[delicatefade26]

I was able to tell T that when I cry and have an emotional release and he comforts me-I feel most loved. T said that it's good to know this-and that he loves me therapeutically all the time the same...and he said something else about therapeutic love...which was nice-but why can't he just say he loves me?!
I know he does-there is no need for a qualifying statement about it being therapeutic love instead of love love : /
It just bugs me a little bit

My T tells me he has "loving feelings" for me. He almost said he loved me once when I caught him off guard. I understand the desire for him to JUST SAY IT.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

I was able to tell T that when I cry and have an emotional release and he comforts me-I feel most loved. T said that it's good to know this-and that he loves me therapeutically all the time the same...and he said something else about therapeutic love...which was nice-but why can't he just say he loves me?!
I know he does-there is no need for a qualifying statement about it being therapeutic love instead of love love : /
It just bugs me a little bit

I think "therapeutic love" might be the highest form of love. It is wholly accepting of you, puts your needs first, and is offered to you by someone who expects nothing from you other than monetary compensation for his time.

You probably really don't want any other kind of love from your therapist.

[Hope-Full]

Interesting. I've never heard the term "therapeutic love" before, but Crescent Moon's description makes a lot of sense. I'm more familiar with the term "unconditional positive regard" which sounds somewhat clinical.

[rainbow8]

My T once told me it would be disgenuine (I think she meant disgenuous) for her to say the words "I love you" to me. That still hurts me but she has said how much she cares about me. I wonder if she would agree to the concept of "therapeutic love". I think so because she said "love" is reserved for her family and maybe very close friends.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

he said something else about therapeutic love...which was nice-but why can't he just say he loves me?!
I know he does-there is no need for a qualifying statement about it being therapeutic love instead of love love : /
It just bugs me a little bit

My T does not make that distinction. Love is love.

But love takes many forms.

[anilam]

Am I the only one who would be bothered by this?

Therapeutic love sounds a bit better but actual love? That can't be right.
I mean it's a doctor-patient relationship and I surely as hell don't love my T. Sometimes I don't like him and even pretty much hate him for a while.
I would reconsider whether or not I would stay with a T, if he'd told me he loves me...

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by anilam

Am I the only one who would be bothered by this?

Therapeutic love sounds a bit better but actual love? That can't be right.
I mean it's a doctor-patient relationship and I surely as hell don't love my T. Sometimes I don't like him and even pretty much hate him for a while.
I would reconsider whether or not I would stay with a T, if he'd told me he loves me...

I would be quite bothered. I don't want the therapist telling me they love me in any way.

[Nightlight]

Originally Posted by anilam

I mean it's a doctor-patient relationship

It's more than an average patient doctor relationship for me. My T's given me things that my parents were unable to give to me, including a lot of emotional support. She's witnessed me moving through dark places, and she's been there to guide the way through them, and out the other side. I have a lot of respect and admiration for her and all of the things she brings to the relationship. I've known her for a number of years now and have grown to care about her as a person. So I do personally wish the amount of caring between us was more equal. Although we've talked a bit around the subject, I don't think she cares about me in quite the same way as I care about her. I think it's okay not to need love from your therapist though, and you're definitely not the only person who feels that way.

Originally Posted by anilam

Am I the only one who would be bothered by this?

Therapeutic love sounds a bit better but actual love? That can't be right.
I mean it's a doctor-patient relationship and I surely as hell don't love my T. Sometimes I don't like him and even pretty much hate him for a while.
I would reconsider whether or not I would stay with a T, if he'd told me he loves me...

My T loves me, and he tells me (after MANY years of working together), and it's been super healing for me. I never believed anyone could/would love me, EVER, and believing in his love for me opened me up to the other love that was actually all around me that I couldn't see. For ME, it was a critical part of my healing, but for someone with different issues, I could see where it wouldn't feel the same way.

As for "therapeutic love"...I think I would find it weird if T broke it down like that. I guess because I don't say to my husband "I feel romantic love for you!" or to my kids "I feel a parental love towards you!". There ARE all different types of love, but it doesn't feel necessary to break it down like that.

On the other hand, it sounds like he wanted to tell you he loved you in a way that felt safe for him (and you), and maybe it was better to hear the words in that form than not at all (?)

[anilam]

Originally Posted by Nightlight

It's more than an average patient doctor relationship for me. My T's given me things that my parents were unable to give to me, including a lot of emotional support. She's witnessed me moving through dark places, and she's been there to guide the way through them, and out the other side. I have a lot of respect and admiration for her and all of the things she brings to the relationship. I've known her for a number of years now and have grown to care about her as a person. So I do personally wish the amount of caring between us was more equal. Although we've talked a bit around the subject, I don't think she cares about me in quite the same way as I care about her. I think it's okay not to need love from your therapist though, and you're definitely not the only person who feels that way.

Yeah, it was a bit of oversimplification on my part- but I think it is still closer to doc- patient relationship than to any other kind- you are paying for it, it should help you, T has studied this area of expertise and it's purely one-sided.
I too care about my T-have known him for 5 years, still think he's a pretty decent guy and am deeply grateful for what he's done for me but that's about it. I don't love him- how could I when I know him "only" in his Ts role. More importantly, I wouldn't feel safe in that RS knowing he feel stg towards me. I don't mean it in a sexual way- I'm pretty sure I can trust him on that.What I mean is how could I then share with him how I feel and all the stupid things I do to harm myself without him being affected by it? Right now I know I can tell him everything and he can take it, keep his head clear of unwanted emotions and help me with it- I need this more than I need his love.

Also, as I have already said, I can hate him sometimes and don't feel guilty about it.

My T said at the beginning of our time that she most likely would never say "I love you" to me. She only regularly does this with her husband and mom and doesn't even like saying it to her stepdaughter or anyone else. She would say that she had 'loving feelings' for me. I didn't so much like this, but I understood that this is what she felt comfortable with and I just knew that she loved me and this was what is important.

With time and intensity, however, this has evolved. She has said "I love you" to me a few times now. Our relationship is intense. We're doing long overdue work where she is parenting me and I am learning to let go of the belief that she--or anyone--can/will ever be my mom. I've told her the most embarrassing things about myself and she has each time looked me in the eye and given me comforting, compassionate looks to teach me about unconditional self-love. And she has never taken a step away from me, if anything she has gotten closer as I share more about myself. Her love and compassion for me--expressed and unexpressed--is teaching me to unconditionally love myself. So I agree with what Nightlight said about it being more than an average doctor-patient relationship.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by nightsky

My T loves me, and he tells me (after MANY years of working together), and it's been super healing for me. I never believed anyone could/would love me, EVER, and believing in his love for me opened me up to the other love that was actually all around me that I couldn't see. For ME, it was a critical part of my healing, but for someone with different issues, I could see where it wouldn't feel the same way.

As for "therapeutic love"...I think I would find it weird if T broke it down like that. I guess because I don't say to my husband "I feel romantic love for you!" or to my kids "I feel a parental love towards you!". There ARE all different types of love, but it doesn't feel necessary to break it down like that.

On the other hand, it sounds like he wanted to tell you he loved you in a way that felt safe for him (and you), and maybe it was better to hear the words in that form than not at all (?)

Shows that everybody's different.
As much as I don't understand it, I am happy to see it is working for you two.

[elliemay]

Well, while the phrase "therapeutic love" is utterly ridiculous I think (dude, whatever!), I get the gist of it. I think your therapist was trying to provide a potentially safer context in which to describe the consistency of feeling he has for you.

As much as it may be hard to deal with (and damn can it be hard to deal with), the love that exists in the therapeutic frame is born out of that context - and not the mutual kind of love we are entitled to outside of therapy. THAT kind of love, however, has the real possibility of doing real harm.

I love my therapist. He loves me, but if he had ever said "I love you" I might have just totally freaked out. OR taken love to mean something different and run miles upon miles in a very counter productive direction.

I think he is keeping himself, not separate, but benign.

[unaluna]

T and I will sometimes say it in the joyous exuberance OR deep sadness of the therapeutic moment. Sometimes the other person says it back, or we'll say "thank you" - whatever, no biggie. Just two humans connecting, which is pretty cool.

[granite1]

i am completely terrified of exspectations. i don't ever want my T to show or say she cares,loves,or anything.it would make me feel like she has some expectation connected with it and i would run not walk away.

[unaluna]

yeah I really see my T more as a cute talking puppy dog. He's not that big, esp compared to me, and he's very cute and shaggy and playful. Yale graduate.

Having it phrased that way would upset me.
My T says she lives me and doesnt make any distinctions.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by nightsky

As for "therapeutic love"...I think I would find it weird if T broke it down like that. I guess because I don't say to my husband "I feel romantic love for you!" or to my kids "I feel a parental love towards you!". There ARE all different types of love, but it doesn't feel necessary to break it down like that.

It seems like with the therapist is one of the few places where breaking it down is necessary. Your children are not (unless you are part of a greek tragedy) usually going to think you have other love for them except parental love (even where there is abuse etc - it is the only type the child knows from that person and gets interpreted as parental type of love), your husband is not usually going to mistake your love for parental love. Therapists and clients, on the other hand, have all sorts of problems with this - some clients want to be their therapist's child or lover or best friend or special all the time (then there are those of us who want them to be just the opposite and freak if they even say they like us) - so it is fairly prudent for the therapist to be specific (even if it is a dopey sounding phrase they use) in what the therapist means if they are going to use a loaded word such as "love." Look at all of the "what did the therapist mean by X" threads going on just on this forum? Add the word "love" into the mix and there can be real confusion.

[unaluna]

Yep, therapy can be "ruff!"

I'm not sure I would like being told I was loved. I like the feeling I am cared about a lot and I get that when I think about T, part of that non verbal stuff. But no it wouldn't feel right to be told she loved me even within the therapeutic relationship. It feels a bit like its more for T's benefit then for mine.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

It feels a bit like its more for T's benefit than for mine.

Oh, I think I started it, he's just mirroring.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I'm not sure I would like being told I was loved. I like the feeling I am cared about a lot and I get that when I think about T, part of that non verbal stuff. But no it wouldn't feel right to be told she loved me even within the therapeutic relationship. It feels a bit like its more for T's benefit then for mine.

Exactly.

[Chopin99]

I started to reply to this post last night, but fell asleep. T has told me she loves me several times and has not put any delimiters on the statement. When I was processing the fact that she loves me after the first time she told me, I asked her how she could love her clients considering we have such varied personalities and issues. We also "misbehave" and take things out on her at times. She said that she makes a conscious choice to love each and every one of us and to act out that love in each session. I was wary of this at first, thinking her love isn't "personal" or that there are no feelings involved. What she reminded me is that over time, "feelings" fade. Love is ultimately a choice and that choice is a commitment. That being said, in my relationship with her, she has proven to me she has deep feelings for me.

delicate, I think your T was trying to make the statement "safe" for himself and for you. I don't believe he doesn't love you. I think perhaps because your relationship is a male/female dyad, he felt more comfortable saying it that way. You could ask him what he meant in your next session.

[healed84]

I don't know.. the word love is a hard thing for me to say or even believe that people actually believe. I tell my husvand that I love him and my kids and that is it. My bff tells me love ya when we get off the phone, my MIL says it, along with a couple of other people and I just can't say it back for some reason. That whole concept is weird to me.

So, if love came up in connection to my relationship with T it might send me running in a different direction. For me, it may help if there was a distinction made and it was called a therputic kind of love. I do feel like there are all different types of love. I love my husband and kids, but I don't love them each the same way. I do love my bff, but it is a different kind of love than my other relationships. So, it may make sense to make that kind of distinction in reguard to a theraputic relationship.