[carly011]

So my T is sending me for an eating disorder assessment. Of course i am kicking and screaming the whole way(not literally). I keep trying to convince her im fine and dont need to go(but she doesnt believe it hehe)

Why in the world do i have to be so stubborn and refuse to accept help?

I have an ED assessment on wednesday...and i know i need the help. But for some reason i keep trying to convince my therapist that i dont need to go...that im fine. For some reason it's in my head that even if i do go to the assessment i wont to inpatient or outpatient if its more then once a week. Why am i so stubborn?

How can i try to let my guard down and just accept the help they offer? Why am in such denial that i need help. I feel like i dont have a problem...i know i do but i feel like i dont.

I feel like if i keep pushing people away that are trying to help me that they will eventually give up on me. Its like i am pushing them away on the outside, but inside im screaming for them to come closer and help. But my inside just wont overpower my outside. If that makes any sense at all...

I guess im just frustrated :/

[Hope-Full]

Hugs to you Carly. I know what it feels like to not want to accept help.

For me, accepting help meant that I was worth it. It meant that I was "good enough" for someone to care about. That scared me - that someone cared about me enough to push me into getting help.

I can say, from personal experience, that part of not wanting to accept the help that your T is sending you to is the voice of your eating disorder. When I first was diagnosed with an ed I was in extreme denial. I refused to believe something was wrong, even though I knew there was a big problem. That was my denial. That was my ed speaking. At one point it got so bad that it was suggested I go inpatient, and I refused. However, it scared me enough to finally let my team help me. It scared me enough to tell the ed voice to shut-up, and for the denial to start melting.

I still struggle daily, but because I now know that my team truly does care about me, I can let them help. I may not care about myself right now, but I care about them, and they care about me. I'll let them care about me until I can learn to care about myself.

It's a frustrating circular process, just don't give up! You are worth it!

[SallyBrown]

You are absolutely not alone, Carly. I drive myself (and my T, and my husband) crazy when I do the same thing.

For me, it has a lot to do with trying to live up to extremely high expectations of me as a child -- academically, physically, and emotionally. Asking for help was an admission of failure in my mind. The message I got was that I didn't NEED help with anything, so asking was an indication of laziness and weakness. I didn't feel I deserved the time and effort of those helping me because I didn't REALLY need it. Fact is sometimes I did and still do, but it's hard to override the voice in my head that says, "failure" and "those people are wasting their time helping you."

Naturally, I don't apply the same rules to anyone else.

So what does "needing help" mean to you? What did it mean when you were growing up? What kind of logic do you apply to yourself, but not to anyone else in need of help?

Best of luck

[carly011]

I think for me its not being worth it. I have very low self esteem and a ton of self hate. Im terrified of gaining weight....i feel like unless i loose x amount of lbs then i will be worth less. Like MAYBE if i loose that weight i will be pretty and happy. But its never enough...i'm already underweight, and dropping pretty fast...... but i need to be skinnier. I can't be fat... i just cant.

I am terrified of getting better. Not only because i dont think i am worth it, but im afraid no one will care about anymore because i will be "fixed" if that makes any sense?(jeez it even scares me to say that...i have never said it to anyone)