[2or3things]

Hi guys—

So, yesterday something weird happened in t. (It’s actually happened a few times before, but this was the first time I was able to articulate it.) I was talking with T about something that made me anxious. Often when I get anxious I either shake my leg or twist up like a pretzel. I noticed I was shaking my leg, and then looked over and saw that she was slowly moving her foot back and forth. Then I started to notice other things about how she was moving, and I started to feel panicky. In retrospect, there was absolutely nothing threatening about her movements, but I felt totally threatened at the time. I felt like everything needed to be still. I even wished she’d stop breathing (not as in die…just not breathe).

Maybe relatedly, I sometimes notice that there’s something weird about the distance between us. On the whole I feel like we’re a little too far apart, but that it’s basically OK. Sometimes, however, I feel like there’s way too much distance, while at other times it feels like she’s excruciatingly close. It sort of feels like we’re in a tunnel or something, or maybe like I’m looking through one end of a telescope or another. (It’s a feeling, though…I don’t think I’m having any sort of hallucination or anything.) In reality, though, nothing’s changed and she’s still the exact same distance away.

Anyway, T wants me to think about what’s up with the stillness thing yesterday. I assume it’s just about my emotional comfort or trust or something at the time. But I’m wondering…do any of you ever experience any of these things? If so, do you know why? And has it gone away for any of you?

Thanks!

[unaluna]

I don't know about the movement, but sitting closer to my T because of an additional chair seems to have made a big difference. Now sometimes we even share the same footstool, or he will purposely press his foot hard against my leg or ankle, and it feels very secure and comforting (not flirty!). we've talked about my having poor proprioception - not being aware of where my body is - I was never tucked in at night, the bedclothes were loose, and I literally fell out of bed a lot! I remember my father telling me I should at least fall on my big doll, not let her fall on me (see where I got my joke gene from). So the T foot pressure is my swaddling now. He was so far away before, I hated it.

[Sannah]

If you are anxious maybe you are irritated by movement? The tunnel thing sounds like you were (I can't think of the word!)

[Perna]

Your description of the distance thing reminded me of my size thing My T was oriental and much smaller than I am, plus I'm obese so it was literal size, not just height and build. But sometimes I felt much larger than she more than at other times. Sometimes it was like she was smaller, too (rather than that I was larger).

I think when we're anxious and less sure of ourselves we really crave to know someone else (T) is obviously not anxious. Your anxiety generates movement so you "were" movement and wanting something that was not movement. Thinking of your description like I would a dream, I am reminded of rattlesnakes and their tail/rattle movement and sound as a warning before they strike. I'm also reminded of the "stillness before a storm" idiom?

I know at least once, my T became really anxious in session, and although he sat very still and his face was calm, his breathing became very rapid and his muscles were tense. It was upsetting to me, but because I trust him, and he held still, I was not super anxious or afraid. I think that if he had started moving, I would have had a much bigger problem with it. Maybe you're just picking up on and reacting to her emotional responses?

This hasn't happened to me in T, but I think it's a stress/anxiety reaction, it's happened to me before - one instance was when I was with my mum, and she was flipping through the IKEA catalogue to find something.. I just felt like I needed it to stop! The sound and movement of the pages: flick flick flick flick flick flick!!! I don't know how I didn't scream - I did have to close my eyes... It's happened to me in supermarkets where suddenly everyone is moving too fast and too close with their trolleys and I start to feel the panic rise.. I think it's something to do with stimuli and how we can't cope with too much when in a highly anxious state. Sometimes even the sun just feels too bright and colours too sharp or noises too loud and I have to go and lie down in a dark room.