[mixedup_emotions]

I don't know how things got so off track....

We started talking about some stuff that's going on in my life...and then I started to talk about the synergy method exercises. I told T how I was struggling with doing some of the solo exercises....and how my mind and body don't seem to be speaking the same language.

T wanted me to get in touch with some of the areas that were tense...especially my neck which is my most triggery body part. And I ended up dissociating.....so much so that we ended up in his garden outside in the rain to get me grounded.

*** POSSIBLE TRIGGER ABOUT CSA ***

Apparently my neck is saying "don't touch me" and that you have to be very still.

I have a feeling that we won't be doing the exercises until I can figure out how to stay present during the session.

Edited to Add: And now I am scared that T isn't going to want to work with me anymore. With all of his talk about wanting me to try the synergy method...and how our relationship is working against us....and then what happened in session today.....UGH. I hate me.

sorry things didnt work out this time

[googley]

Hugs if okay.

Just because this method isn't working for you right now, doesn't mean that your T wont want to work with you. You may just have to do some work on grounding before you do the synergy thing. That isn't a failure, this is a learning thing. Sometimes you have to step back and work on something else first. That is okay. It happens all the time in T. Your T wont be angry. I wonder if you are angry with yourself for not being able to do this perfectly the first time? It will be okay.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, googley....I do feel like such a failure. This isn't the first time that this has happened in T, but I don't recall ever having such an incredibly difficult time finding my way back.

T said something along the lines of if I don't trust him to help guide me, then I'm going to drift away...and the thing is, I DO trust T...but it feels so out of my control. Even going outside and talking didn't help until we physically walked through the rain to his garden.

I sent T an email....which I know he prefers that I not do....letting him know that I am scared he's not going to want to work with me anymore - considering how he's been pushing me to do the synergy stuff and with what happened today.

Just feeling like a complete failure at the moment. I know I'm being hard on myself....Just not feeling good about it...not at all.

failure is definitely one word we do NOT associate with you♥♥♥

[mixedup_emotions]

T responded to my email, saying:

This is a fear you have had before, wondering if I’m giving up on you or passing you off. Please appreciate my sincere desire for you to feel better physically…I don’t want my limitations to prohibit growth that could come from any sphere to help alleviate your suffering. I don’t believe however the synergist coming to work here is prepared to work with trauma, so its not a step I’d encourage you to take at this point. I believe the inroads you made today could lead us forward if you are willing to keep leaning into the discomfort.

Well, this certainly didn't eliminate my concerns......

If your concern was him giving up on you or passing you off,...it would alleviate it for me. I think he's saying that he doesn't think the person who is coming would be able to work with you. But he said that you two would continue to work together...".inroads you made today could lead US forward"

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

If your concern was him giving up on you or passing you off,...it would alleviate it for me. I think he's saying that he doesn't think the person who is coming would be able to work with you. But he said that you two would continue to work together...".inroads you made today could lead US forward"

I hear it. My brain somewhat understands it. But my body is screaming "abandonment"....I know, it makes no sense at all because it's not what he's saying.

I guess it just doesn't feel good to know that if something came alone that he felt would be better for me, he'd just wave as I leave - even if it's what's in my best interest....

[Silent_tsol]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I hear it. My brain somewhat understands it. But my body is screaming "abandonment"....I know, it makes no sense at all because it's not what he's saying.

I guess it just doesn't feel good to know that if something came alone that he felt would be better for me, he'd just wave as I leave - even if it's what's in my best interest....

I didn't see him say that either. I do think he said that he would only have you working with someone he believes is fully capable of helping you, but has he said that you couldn't see two ts?

Also I agree 150% with what googley said

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks. I decided to try to sleep off some of this craziness....and I woke up feeling just as unsettled this morning.

My body is just going haywire....I'm just going to try to ride it out, without contacting my T again. My next session is in 1-1/2 weeks...which feels like a lifetime from now.

[WikidPissah]

(((MUE))) I don't know what to say, that is just so hard. I can see why his email would set you off. The part about his limitations is triggering for sure. Why couldn't he just say "No worries MUE, I'm not going anywhere!" T's...arg. They could prevent so much torture if they would just cut to the chase.

Even though I can see why it would set you off, I don't think your T (the one I've come to know from all your posts) is going to abandon you. I really don't.

[mixedup_emotions]

That's exactly it, Wikid. His limitations. But I don't see it as him having limitations. I see it as I am so incredibly difficult to work with....resistance, resistance, then dissociating and going crazy...His limitations may be just that I am too difficult for him. If only I could work harder or be different, it wouldn't be about his limitations...

[adel34]

Hi MU,
I'm sorry your session yesterday didn't go as planned. However, I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You are dealing with trauma, and it's very scary. I think you have a lot of courage to even try it in the first place.
Your therapists sounds caring. If you're really concerned that he wants to stop working with you, then you might want to try and talk to him about this at some point. Though I know that bringing something like that up is scary in and of itself!
I would think he'd understand if the synergy method isn't possible for you yet due to your having trouble with staying present. I would hope very much that he wouldhelp you work on this so you feel more comfortable before you go to the intern. Please keep us posted and take care of yourself.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, adel34.....

I am working on trying not to be so hard on myself. It's difficult, though...

My T has told me that he believes that our relationship - the comfort and trust that we've built up - is working against us....which is why he wanted me to try the synergy method. That stirs up all sorts of feelings of fear and abandonment.

I know he cares. I know he's trying to do what's best for me, so that I am not struggling so much and in so much pain....He wants me to be motivated to work harder...but it seems to be turning into sheer pressure to push too far too fast.

I need to find some balance between "leaning into the discomfort" and "falling off the deep end".....

I've been keeping busy today with work and family....thankfully....but each free moment that I have brings me back to THIS and that yucky sinking feeling....

we are so sorry for how badly the email triggered you it would have done the same thing to us. we could almost literally feel the fear coming off the page about abandonment. our heart goes out to you

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, TrinityDancer.....I really appreciate it, because I feel understood....thank you.

you are more than welcome♥♥♥