[dolphingirl]

This morning was stressful and filled with anxiety as I had to complete a drug test so I could start working at a new job this afternoon. I knew I would pass, but I didn't have enough in the cup the first time and that set my anxiety off because they would report that as "refusal to test" which would mean I failed the test to the employer and I kept thinking of the worst possible scenarios, but luckily I got another try. I started work this afternoon and it went well!

T went well yesterday. I feel like we had a good talk and it was helpful. I just wish I told the truth when asked about my moods, but I just didn't want medication to come up. Afterwards, I had a meeting with the man who is doing psych testing and we talked about the way I answered some questions. I was proud of myself for actually talking to him, especially involving some sensitive topics, including some events involving my dad.

[SoupDragon]

Was feeling so settled on Thursday, even thought that I would be up for a bit of risk taking with T next session. Then old memories have come back to haunt me big time and right now, feeling terrified about even sitting in the same room as T. Have suddenly become aware that it is only me and him there and he is a man. On some level I know it is ridiculous, his is safe and will not hurt me. But still there is the terror.

[WePow]

Well, I stopped drinking about three hours ago - have to be able to go into work in the morning. Since my last posting, I have kinda been out of it. Any time I was not dissociated, I ended up starting to feel again and had a shot of this or that. But I was on vacation so why not? Because I know what happens to me when I can't stop. But I just don't know what these emotions are... sadness? maybe... anger? who knows. I don't want to think about my mom or the family down there. But what do I do? I call her three times today to make sure they are ok with all the rain and with the ceiling leaking the way it was. Dad managed to patch it up a little so the rain is not comming into the kitchen and running down the ceiling fan.
One of my night terrors is that their trailer catches fire from an electrical short and water inside the walls. So I offered to pay for the repair if my mom can find someone who will do what they need to have done. My S/O does not like me offering money like that to my folks. And my mom throws a duck fit saying "NO! We will be ok!" Then I calm her down and help out. I can't sit back and not try to help her out. My dad, well that is another story and I wouldn't care in that situation. But my mom is my mom. And at least she was sorry for her role in not protecting me and my brothers from dad. So I will do what I can do. I feel like it should be more though. But I can't take that onto me. I don't have the strength to take care of them even though I try to do what I can. I can't explain it. It is not that I want to be selfish. It is just that the deep exhaustion from life is still very heavy for me. Therapy is making it better - slowly. And sometimes I actually have a good day these days and some energy to enjoy life. But I feel very exhausted still on the inside.

It is funny, but I will be glad to go to work in the morning. It helps me keep my mind busy so I don't have to feel things. I kinda wonder about therapy because it is all about feelings... and honestly that part of being a human is the hardest for me.

[nicoleb2]

It's a really mixed day today. I just got back from Cub scout camp with my 6 year old son, which is awesome, but I also found out my grandma is gravely ill and will probably die in the next couple days...

I have been in the "I can't sleep" phase on and off for the past two weeks (or longer). I end up staying up until 4:00am in the morning. This is nuts! I just want to be able to sleep like normal people do.

[nicoleb2]

my grandma has less than 2 weeksd to live, and i will never get to see her again
its affecting me far more than i expected, and i don't see my t this week... not good

[unaluna]

just checking to see if this thing is working. I asked if we could have it, separate from the couch.

Thank you. They really are two different types of threads.

The roll call thread is TOTALLY different from the couch thread. Nobody makes breakfast in this one...

I'm doing okay-ish, just feeling at a bit of a loose end.. but, therapy tomorrow

[healed84]

Things have been pretty good over the last couple of weeks. No, panic attacks really. I have had some down days, but have been able to get right back up again. T, asked at the last of my appointment if we were still doing weekly appointments or not. We had been every other week b/c of both of our schedules in the last month. I said, yes I am scheduled for the next three weeks every week. However, I wonder if that was a lead in for him to tell me that I am good to go to every other now. I will bring it up to him next appointment.

I don't have an appointment this week b/c we are on vacation and it has made it easy missing my appointment. Looking forward to next week though.

Just got back from the pediatrician's office. My two youngest needed their annual well checks. We've used this pediatrician since our oldest was a newborn, 23 years ago. He is fabulous, but he spends forever with you. It was an hour and a half this time which actually was better than I expected. The boys a great and healthy, so we have that over for another year.

Yesterday it was 107 and today it is 104. Summer is officially here. Miserable.

Not much else going on. Friday my son and I have T appointments, but that is about as exciting as it gets. I guess we'll hit the pool tomorrow.

[WikidPissah]

Hey Chris...been thinking of you. Have you had the mammogram yet?

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Hey Chris...been thinking of you. Have you had the mammogram yet?

No, it was postponed until next Thursday. It hurts now though. I'm trying to take that as a good sign. Thanks for asking.

I had a great session with my T, but a couple of things she said got me thinking about things I've been trying not to think about - how and when therapy might end, etc. I emailed tonight with my neurotic questions, and she answered them all very reassuringly I feel very lucky to have her working with me on turning my life around. She makes me feel like it's actually possible.

Therapy on Friday and I am numb. I just don't care. I think that is a bad thing. I want to feel something about it even if it's negative.

[agma]

Group therapy was very intense yesterday. Thankfully I had individual therapy after and was able to process some of it. Group was so intense yesterday that I ended up going into the bathroom and SI'd during break. I hadn't SI'd in a month. I feel horrible that I gave into the urge. Thankfully I don't have group next week because of the 4th of July as I can definitely use a break. I am a little nervous there because I don't see t either because she is gone all next week. Hopefully I can stay strong and not SI again.

[WePow]

saw t today ... he said the wrong thing that triggered me way too deeply
he saw right away he hit something hard
he tried to work through the trigger stuff
i cant even talk about it
i just am in shock
it was questioning my reality and history
stuff that makes me already question my own stuff
nothing feels real now at all
like i am in a nightmare

Another above 100 day here in North Texas. But we went to the pool and soaked in the rays for a few hours which made the monotony of a Texas summer a bit more bearable. Had fun floating through the lazy river with my boys and laughed my head off when went went into the vortex, my husband couldn't get out, and Kyle had to pull him out. Came home and made enchiladas which pleased all the male appetites around here. Personally I have no desire to eat anything hot, so I'm about to search the kitchen for something refrigerated for supper myself.

Tomorrow my son and I each have our appointments with T. I'm not really in the mood to go. Just not feeling it right now, but it's too late to call it off at this point. Another mystery session coming up I guess.

My friend's preemie finally was able to come yesterday on his 5-month birthday. She had gone into the hospital a month before the twins were born in premature labor (the other twin died very shortly after birth), so this has been a very long 6 months for them. He still has a feeding tube if they need it; he has an esophageul obstruction that sometimes impairs feedings that they are still doing stretching surgeries on. He was 1 lb. 2 oz. when he was born (literally smaller than a water bottle). Now he is a bit over 7 lbs. Such a blessing that he has done so well. Praise God!

My cousin's husband was rear ended by a car going 65mph yesterday; he was at a complete stop. Both vehicles look awful, but amazingly both drivers walked away pretty much unscathed. Again, Praise God!

Lots of blessings today. Helps keep life in perspective.

[autotelica]

I'm new here!

I am a 34 year old woman who has been in therapy for more than 4 years. I never thought it would last so long...but it has. My experience with my therapist has been positive, overall. Not perfect, but we have never had rough patches. I wish I could say the same for my shrinks(s) and other medical doctors, but that's neither here nor there.

I was originally diagnosed as dysthymic and then full-blown major depression swooped down on me. Then another diagnosis--schizoid PD. The focus on our work has been to combat the alexithymia and isolation for the benefit of my self-esteem. My therapist originally wanted me to make two friends, but I have made absolutely no progress on this front. Neither one of us are really bothered by it though.

I have tried to connect on other mental health boards, and I post just a few things before bailing out. But I do not have anyone to talk to about my experiences and I want to talk (and listen). One thing I have learned is that talking to people has benefits.

[dolphingirl]

Today went surprisingly well. Today is only my 2nd lunch shift and 4th day all together and I got a few compliments on how great I am doing and how fast I'm learning. That just really helped to brighten my mood because two nights ago was horrible and I attempted to si with possible su in mind depending on how the outcome went. Yesterday was a tad bit better, but I still had strong si/su thoughts all day, even though I had a nice conversation with a friend that morning. But, I talked with someone last night and it helped to calm me/give me a plan of action. Stuff is starting to be okay again.

Yesterday it was 18 months since Dad passed away. I miss him so much. His grave only just got a headstone last week. It looks nice, he would have liked it.
I miss him so much.

I'm struggling today/tonight.. Can't really even figure the reason why. The last couple days I've struggled to get out of bed and do anything.. I'm finding myself with various urges to try and fill the emptiness I feel - contacting T and wanting to hear from her, wanting to eat and eat and eat, wanting to buy myself material things in hopes they might cheer me up... I just feel like I have an overwhelming need for comfort. For the first time in a long time I've had fleeting thoughts of SI, but I don't want to go there again.. It took so much to start climbing out of the hole, and now I feel like I'm being sucked back in... Feeling sad and lost and alone, and wondering how I can distract/occupy myself over the weekend...

[kiki86]

today has not been fun. this week in fact has been a bit of a nightmare. but it was, at least, better than yesterday.

I am on my third day of having the flu. Blah. Stayed home from work. Stuck on the couch.

thanks for the hugs kiki

I'm doing a bit better this evening, after asking my T for a phonecall this afternoon. I needed the pep talk! I don't know how she does it but she always manages to say something constructive, gives me something to do or work on, rather than just saying nice things..