[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Three weeks down (of T's vacation). Six weeks to go.

Too much happening all the time that I need to talk about. I hate that. The need to talk, that is. Last week's trip did not end well. And I have three more weeks to go until my nominal vacation ends. Not sure how I'll get through that time. Not sure how I'll be able to go back to work, either.

I'm just too broken to be allowed to exist. And PC is no longer a safe place for me. Why can't I just snap out of it??

9 weeks is very long.
You are not too broken to be allowed to exist. Why is, if I may ask, pc not safe any more? Did something happen?

Originally Posted by stopdog

9 weeks is very long.

It's harder than I thought it would be. I thought I'd cope. I ought to be able to cope.

Originally Posted by stopdog

You are not too broken to be allowed to exist. Why is, if I may ask, pc not safe any more? Did something happen?

[Edited: Never mind. Thank you for asking. I appreciate that very much.]

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

I'm just too broken to be allowed to exist. And PC is no longer a safe place for me. Why can't I just snap out of it??

definitely not too broken. I have had to break from PC several times over the past couple of years. It can be triggering at times. I just hope you know how much you are appreciated here.

[AngelWolf3]

Have T session today. Laughing at myself because I changed my clothes 3 times before work, because I wanted to wear something cute to session today. Why do I even care if she likes what I'm wearing?! LOL at myself. (realize this is silly, but will probably still keep doing this every day I have T...)

[dolphingirl]

Got to work today and everything was going great until it was time to open and start serving. I don't know what happened because I have served fine other days or maybe the residents were just super picky. I was most of the way through serving salads and started to break down, panicking, freaking out, starting to cry. I pulled myself together as much as I could and finished salads. I raised my voice several times at residents because of "misunderstandings". Then as I was getting meals out, other servers were getting desserts out which made things even worse knowing how behind I was. Again, about ready to scream and break down crying, another server saw me and offered to bring meals to a couple of tables. While busing tables, a resident asked me if I was okay and told me how great of a job I did, which was nice to hear, since that was my worse day ever.

I went to pick up my car I bought a couple of days ago between lunch and dinner and that was very stressful, especially since I somehow made it die on the way to work. After spending 15 minutes thinking I made the worst decision of my life, my mom came, told me what I did wrong. I ended up being 15 min. late to work which was horrible, especially because of an utterly stupid mistake.

Dinner went great. Then I got to go to a bible study at church. Felt bad because it was to late to run. Thankful to be alive, confused as to how I can be/am, and am questioning why, not because anything has gone wrong though.

I've felt better today. I was feeling so flat yesterday, well really for a few days. But today I had a little more spring in my step. Enjoyed time at the pool with the boys. I went yesterday, but didn't really enjoy myself, so today felt much better -- more like me. Hopefully I have the duldroms out of my system now.

[healed84]

Insomnia is back, I enjoyed about three months of good sleeping, thanks to my meds. Now.. I have been having trouble sleeping all week long. Fighting off depression again. I don't understand why the meds are doing a good job at keeping my anxiety under control, but a depressed period can rear it's ugly head?

Actually had some good realizations... just because my parents abused me and my husband neglects me does not mean that I deserve that... it doesn't mean I am unloveable... I can be sad about it but I do not need to let those feelings change my thoughts about myself. I think my T was doing the happy dance...

My hubby and I went on a date tonight. Dinner and a movie. We saw Moonrise Kingdom, an absolutely delightful and quirky movie devoid of sex, bad language, or violence, starring Bill Murray, Francis McDormatt, a couple other well-known actors whose names escape me at this moment, and some wonderful new child actors who really stole the show. Highly recommend it, although you might have to hunt around a bit to find a theater. It is one of those quiet little movies you don't hear much about but it is getting very good reviews.

Just added some pictures to my album. Check em out. My son had just uploaded some pictures from 4th of July, etc., so it motivated me to update.

We're on our way shortly to trek to the pool for the afternoon. Gotta get these boys out of the house for a few hours before they start climbing the walls.

Feeling good today. Feeling good.

[agma]

It was a very stressful week. Work is crazy right now, but it should settle down soon. I have been very depressed and anxious for about the past month. Before that I was doing very well. I see pdoc at the end of this month, so hopefully he can help.

I had an appointment with T a few days ago. I still struggle with feeling the need to be composed and in control. I have a hard time being honest because I'm either ashamed/embarrassed or fearful of judgment. I don't like feeling vulnerable. I worry that my inability to communicate my feelings effectively to T will inhibit my progress. I have an appointment with Pdoc on Monday. Not sure how I feel about that right now...

[Thornsandroses]

Not a good week for me. No T all this week and Thurs evening my son ended up in the ER.

Ugh! I hate allergies. Yesterday afternoon something must have blown in and I've been sneezing, my eyes itch and burn, headache, I itch all over. Finally gave up and took an allergy pill this evening, so maybe tomorrow I won't feel physically like crap. Only thing slightly on the radar on pollon count was grass, but it wasn't terribly high, and mold was moderate. It usually takes more than that to mess me up.

Good thing my appointment with T isn't until Tuesday. If I'm still feeling tomorrow like I've felt the last couple of days, a session wouldn't be terribly productive. Allergy attacks like this are as distracting as hell. Hopefully I'll feel more human by Tuesday.

We lost a dear old friend this morning. We knew it was coming; he had stage 4 pancreatic cancer. He had stopped chemo about 10 days ago, choosing to go to hospise instead. He was 84. He was my second daddy growing up. Our parents were best of friends, having met in the 1950's and never losing touch. His wife was the church choir director and my mother was the church organist so we were ALWAYS together. Every weekend our families got together to cook hotdogs or hamburgers; there were 3 daughters in each family spaced perfectly to also end up close and lifelong friends.

Ray was probably the funniest person I ever knew. He affectionately called me Chris-toph-er, with emphasis on the "toph", when I was little. My dad has this old photo that was taken back in the late 1960's on a rare trip our parents took together down to Mexico. My dad and Ray are in the middle of a bullfighting ring playing bullfighter and bull using one of our mothers' hair scarves (remember how women always wore hair scarves to protect their hair-dos back then?). Ray, of course, was the bull. He was always the center of the laughter.

This is the family that has had more than their share of crisis in the past two years. Ray's wife Lore died almost exactly two years ago. Then his grandson had been hit by a car and had to have a leg amputated. His granddaughter who had already been through two lost pregnancies, had finally gotten pregnant again with twins, but she went into premature labor, spent one month in the hospital holding the pregnancy as long as she could (one of the twins' amniotic sacs had ruptured already), but delivered at 24 weeks. The one twin died within an hour of birth, so the family endured the funeral and burial of that twin then spent the next 5 months with the other twin in NICU very much touch and go. About 5 weeks ago, Ray was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer, so the family knew the end for him was near. Three weeks ago, his son-in-law died in his sleep from a massive heart attack. Now they have lost Ray. So much grieving in such a short time. But this is a family of faith and love, and they find strength in each other.

Ray, you will be missed here on earth, but Lore and Kathy and Rocky and Titus are with you again now in heaven. Say hi to them for me, okay? Love you.

[agma]

Another horrible day. I don't think things can get any worse. I feel so incredibly depressed. Having terrible SI urges. Thankfully I see t tomorrow....she can usually make me feel a little better.

My head is in the biggest muddle. Therapy tomorrow, but I don't know if I can even begin to talk about it - even with my T :/

[healed84]

Pretty sure all of those icons convey better than what I can put in words how I am feeling tonight.

Today was a good day It feels great saying that!
I got to spend time with my best friend

Notice my "yeehaw" for my mood today. A cool thing happened while I was unable to sleep again last night. I was on my FB and looking up a few old friends, and I finally have found my bestest friend from my childhood. I had looked for her before with no luck, but she finally appeared. Joy and I were inseperable from about 6th to 8th grade. She lived next door to me and was several years younger than me, but we hit it off. There literally were weeks we spent with each other 24/7, spending the nights at each other's house every chance we could get.

When I was in 8th grade, they moved to East Texas and we were both devastated. For a few years we would save up our allowances all year so we could buy a plane ticket one direction or the other to spend a few weeks together in the summer. Then I headed of to college, and she moved a couple of times, and I moved a couple more times, and before we knew it, we had lost track of each other.

Well, we've found each other again, mind you this is almost 30 years later. We've written back and forth a few times today. Lots of catching up to do. So nice to see a picture of her and know she seems to be okay. THAT is what I love about FB. I can't tell you how many old friends I have managed to reunite with.

Saw T today. We basically talked about pretty much everything and nothing. I think it is definitely time to space our sessions out quite a bit. I'll see him in another couple of weeks because my sister will be here for a visit and I'm sure things will come up that I'll welcome an ear to process into. My son has one more session before marching band starts up. That will be it for him until well into November; he'll have no other life than band until then (come to think of it, we won't have much of a life other than band either).

I hate myself so much that it almost scares me. It feels as if I'm going to burst soon. And I feel abandoned, which is not at all fair (that is, I'm not being fair). I don't understand what is happening with me. And I feel powerless to do anything about it.

[SoupDragon]

Noticing the start of that little bit of something deep in the pit of my stomach today after feeling down in the dumps yesterday - it's a sort of energy, positive energy I think.

Head fairly OK, thoughts of T, but no desperate need to make contact - yes I think today I am OK.

[nicoleb2]

I am tired of life. I'm having a lot of SI urges, a ton of anxiety, and all my t wants to know when I call her is "what;s the emotion under the anxiety".
I don't know. I looked at the list of emotions she gave me, I still don't know. I quit. I don't want to do this anymore. It's not worth the effort.

I had absolutely zero sleep last night. The whole Colorado shooting has me distracted somehow. So today I slept a lot to make up for last night. Allergies are still completely out of control despite taking meds for it; leaves me feeling physically miserable. My eyes feel absolutely raw.

T and I have been talking about this topic since April or May, but we're spending more time on the issue now that it's quickly approaching...

Times of change and transition are particularly difficult for me and in just a few short weeks I'll be embarking on a new journey: going away to school. And the fact that I will be going away to school became real this past week when the bill arrived and I ordered some of my books. Going to school is a huge financial investment, so I feel like I can't screw it up.
This is triggering my fear of abandonment (though I know my parents aren't really "abandoning me." I just feel that way). The social aspect of having to put myself out there and make new friends is a scary thought. I hate the feeling of leaving the comfort bubble that I call home, despite the fact that I'm only going 25 minutes away.

T has faith in me- as well as my family- but I'm not sure I have faith in myself