[Nelliecat]

Haven't been here for a while

Feeling like this today Just been for a blood test and cried like a baby and now I can't stop crying. I haven't seen T for nearly 3 weeks and am meant to be seeing her on Thursday but I'm having mixed feelings about going. Feeling ridiculous for having this outpouring of emotion today.

Had my session today. It was a very emotional one. The kind where I feel the tears and cry, but I can't talk about why I am crying!

[nicoleb2]

I've been camping since Sunday, and I never want to camp again. Heat index got to around 103, i am covered head to toe in mosquito bites, ans Sunday night, I found out that my grandma died.
She was my last living grandparent

[karebear1]

Sorry to hear about your grandma nicoleb2. Sending hugs!

We really had a wonderful 4th of July. We spent a few hours at the pool this afternoon. Then we had supper at one of our favorite restaurants. We drove closer to the fireworks area and found a nice grassy area (actual grass rather than weeds), laid out some blankets and engaged in an endless and hilarious game of UNO with the boys. The firework display was really marvelous and everyone we encountered seemed so nicely behaved and friendly (you never know with large crowds). Everyone cheered during the fireworks finale and the traffic wasn't actually too terrible all things considered. Ice cream stop on the way home to finish off the day. Oh, and the weather was really pretty decent for July in Texas. It actually stayed under 100, and the spot we found was shaded with a nice breeze. Good day with the fam.

Tomorrow I go in for the mammogram and breast sonogram. Finally. I just want it over with at this point. Unfortunately it will probably take another weekish to get results.

[WikidPissah]

I will be thinking about you today Chris. Good Luck. (you're in my prayers)

Hi Chris... I will be praying for you today. I know the waiting can be excrutiating. Don't interpret what the technician does or doesn't do as any signs of the results. I went with a friend and the technician called her back 3 times to take more views and then a sonogram... everything turned out to be fine. I will pray that you get the results soon!

[karebear1]

Thoughts are with you today Chris.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Hi Chris... I will be praying for you today. I know the waiting can be excrutiating. Don't interpret what the technician does or doesn't do as any signs of the results. I went with a friend and the technician called her back 3 times to take more views and then a sonogram... everything turned out to be fine. I will pray that you get the results soon!

I generally have to go through both a mammogram and sonogram every frickin year; the difference this year is that we know beforehand that there is definitely something going on. I don't think much at all about what actually goes on during the testing; techs have no power to diagnose or tell you anything so I realize the results will come later.

So, had the mammogram and sonogram today. A man must have come up with the design for the mammogram machines. I always forget year to year how uncomfortable it is; a bit moreso this year on that one side. I knew something was up when the tech did extra views on the left side using a different apparatus and positioning than she did on the right. Mind you, the right side is the side with the huge cyst, but the left side ended up being her focus.

The sonogram took almost two hours. I have horribly cystic breasts and it takes them forever to document them all and be sure they haven't missed anything. The tech was great though. She explained everything she was looking at and talked to me about what options the docs might offer concerning the discomfort that large cyst is causing me. The right side took most of the sonogram time because most of the cysts are on that side. She couldn't see what the other tech was noticing on the left side, but mammograms and sonograms don't pick up exactly the same things. The sonogram tech did find one cyst that she said they would probably call me back in about as it wasn't showing completely black (clear).

In the end, the radiologist came in to talk to me which was nice. They usually don't give an immediate verbal report to me, but this time he wanted to let me know what comes next. They need to do a biopsy of a place they are seeing on my left side. It has shown before, but it is changing and it's time to check more closely. The large cyst on the right side can be aspirated to hopefully lessen the size and pain I'm having with it although it may decide to come right back; that one's up to me and my doc to decide on. Both procedures can be done on the same day.

He'll send the report on to my doctor so he can write orders for the biopsy and maybe the aspiration, and then we'll get it all set up.

It was a long afternoon, and I'm tired. I found myself having to talk about my sister a lot today and that has stirred up a lot of sadness.

[karebear1]

Chris- thanks for letting us know how it went today. I am so appreciative of the people taht work taking these films for us- and sooooo thankful that they report back to us that same hour as to what could be happening. I'm glad to hear that you didn't have to wait 2 more weeks to hear what the mammogram reported, and hope that all will turn out ok when you have the biopsy done.

Get some good rest tonight and have sweet pleasant dreams about your sister tonight.

Nevermind
................

[WikidPissah]

Chris...hang in there. I don't have to have mammograms anymore, and I sure as heck don't miss them...ouch. You are right, had to be guy that came up with that. Have you been tested for the brca1 gene?

[healed84]

I have been thinking of and praying for you Chris.. I am glad that the radiologist came out to talk to you and that the techs were so nice to you. A little comfort in uncomfortable situation always helps. Hope your week has improved a bit

[healed84]

A good way to bring me down is to be reminded of my true failures in life.. not just the ones that I *think* were failures. Thanks to my husband for brining me down this morning. It is amazing how one thing can set me off, one thing so small can make me think I won't amount to much more than I am right now and I ask myself what is the point to all of this?

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Chris...hang in there. I don't have to have mammograms anymore, and I sure as heck don't miss them...ouch. You are right, had to be guy that came up with that. Have you been tested for the brca1 gene?

No, I haven't had the brca1 testing. Not sure I want to. I do need to get the genetic report they did on my sister to see exactly what it says. Generally, she had a genetic mutation that led to having so many cancers over her lifetime (ovarian, lymphatic, colon, breast, and MDS (pre-leukemia)). I've actually never read the report -- definitely an avoidant thing for me. I'd have to ask my brother-in-law to send it to me and it just feels so strange to do that right now.

[bumpy_road]

_Hey...bumpy's here,
I am taking today off, totally...10:51am Sat, going to stay in my pajamas all day and try to sleep soon. Couldn't last night, nightmares are coming back again. I was almost asleep once, tried to roll over onto my side and my left shoulder came out of joint, and that was that. Have to use the walker to get around the appartment. Other than the pain I don't feel to bad today, I got some chores done yesterday.
_Oh yeah, a few days ago they wraped up filming a really low budget movie at my sister's house. No concrete name yet, but I found It under "Homesick-A Short Film". Storyline may be a ((Trigger)), If you look and find that part.
_Take care.

[WePow]

Today is today. I am doing on call stuff for work. Almost got fired this week. A part of me wishes they would have so I would be able to not make the choice to leave myself. I have been looking for another job but everything I look at is not anything I want. I don't want to do anything with life at all now. I am trying to work on a fiction book I want to write, but even that is difficult. I was VERY much close to SU on monday. My T saw me twice this week and that is helping. But I can't even begin to describe to him how depressed I am with all of life. When I was telling my co-worker how I had nothing at all I wanted to live for anymore (he turned me into HR) - I was not kidding one bit.

Now I am thinking about the week ahead of me and I don't want to go through it. I see my T monday again. I wish there was something I could do or take that would make me want to keep on keeping on. But I am beyond exhausted on every single level of who I am. Now I am just angry that life keeps me here. Why do I have to be at this place??? Why am I at this place! ??? How can I not be at this place?

IDK. Last night I had night terrors again. They keep on happening and I was able to escape at night to my dreams at least. Now I dream and have flashbacks of very very very BAD things the abusers showed me.

I am also getting in touch with the part of me who holds the deepest pain and anger. She is comming forward because that is the only way we stand a chance. I went from being alive being an inconvieneince to it making me sad and now it really makes me totally angry. That part of me REALLY hates to be alive and the more I am in touch with that part, the darker the thoughts and more solid the plans.

I want to be safe and be out of this state I am in. I just have to keep trying.

[nicoleb2]

Grandma's wake/viewal is tomorrow and funeral monday. I don't want to go, but i know i need to. I got to see two of my cousins tonight, who i don't see hardly ever, so it was nice to see them, but this whole dealing with death thing sucks

[nicoleb2]

I went to my grandma's wake. That really sucked. Now, I am having a bout of severe insomnia. My mood is terrible. I have intense SI urges, and have even been having suicidal thoughts... I know exactly what I would do too.... Hopefully I can get ahold of my t tomorrow and talk to her.

[critterlady]

Oh, Nicole, I'm sorry about your grandma and that the wake was so hard. I hope you can get hold of your t.

I have to go to t this morning. I'm not looking forward to it. We've been working hard on some old things from my FOO. since I saw him last week, I've kind of convinced myself that it was nothing much, but I suspect T will disagree.

Spits and spats of news on friends today:

1. The 5-month-old preemie son of a close family friend had another procedure to stretch his esophogeus today (it is mostly closed off except for a small hole which makes eating very, very difficult). Apparently it went well, so that is a blessing. I think he is up to 7lbs. 5 oz. now; he was 1lb. 2oz. when he was born. Beautiful boy.

2. A good teacher friend got a teaching job much closer to their home today. We're losing a fantastic teacher, but life will be so much better without that commute every day for her particularly now that they've had a second child.

3. Another good teacher friend and her partner will be legally married in Washington, D.C. tomorrow. It has been a long time coming for them. It is a shame that they had to travel that far for their commitment to each other to be recognized.

I saw T today. He's a bit concerned at how flat I am right now. Not depressed; not happy. Just flat. We're watching it. I'm hoping my problem is the total lack of structure in my life right now. Summers have never done me any favors. I am not a good stay-at-home person.

[autotelica]

I got bad news today from the neuropsych, but I am handling it well because my therapist is great. I don't know how I feel about having a new label (and having to throw away the "old" one), but my therapist made me feel like she was cool with me regardless. I sensed relief from her, and now I guess I feel the same way too. Not just because we can stop wondering about the source of my motor issues, but because we can now focus on practical strategies--using what's worked for other people. And I can stop trying to figure stuff out on my own and feeling defeated all the time.

I'm glad I didn't start off the day with a cynical mindset.

[OneRedRose]

So I got home yesterday after a hard day at work, everything was fine, I was standing in kitchen making a cup of tea, when my mum shouted down if I had gotten the cats in, so I shouted back that I had, my dad then went mad slamming his fists down and cussing me out, at the same time my mum shouted down again that she couldnt hear me, so I shouted up again. my dad then started screaming at me, telling me off for screaming at my mother, calling me every name under the sun, accusing me of causing trouble, saying everything was fine till I came home and that I have ruined the day, I then started saying that all I was doing was answering my mum, to which he screamed "WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING ON ABOUT THIS!!!" to which he continued cussing me out as I walked upstairs, my mums now upset because his shouting at me, so shouts back at him to which he responds to me that well done ive upset my mother now....his still not talking to me today, I am still confused as to what the hell happened.....

a couple of days before hand he done a similar thing when I was telling my mum about a news article I had read, apparently to him I was indicating that she was thick....

Three weeks down (of T's vacation). Six weeks to go.

Too much happening all the time that I need to talk about. I hate that. The need to talk, that is. Last week's trip did not end well. And I have three more weeks to go until my nominal vacation ends. Not sure how I'll get through that time. Not sure how I'll be able to go back to work, either.

I'm just too broken to be allowed to exist. And PC is no longer a safe place for me. Why can't I just snap out of it??