[BashfulBear]

This is the most pointless post ever, but.. I MISS HER SO MUCH!

Eurghhh, what is wrong with me?! I'm such a pathetic little baby, I HATE myself!
I hate myself for feeling like this, I hate myself for being stupid enough to see a T who I knew I could only see for a few months, and most of all, I hate myself for revealing a huge secret and letting myself get attached in the last couple of sessions I saw her (before our abrupt ending)! Stupid, stupid, STUPID (not-so-little anymore) girl!

** ED behaviour(s) trigger warning **

I've spent the entire day binging (and I mean binging) on utter crap, as if food is going out of fashion. What in God's name is wrong with me?! I'm not thick (although my thoughts - and actions - would clearly beg to differ), I know my body is not a dustbin. Why have I started doing this again?! How do I think this is going to help me stop missing ex-T?! It's taking everything I have not to purge and purge and purge until I feel empty and relieved. I'm revolting!

My money situation isn't exactly good by anyones standard, but I was gifted £100 by a family member today (as a 'well done, I'm proud of you') and instead of putting it to sensible use, or buying a nice piece of jewellery to remind me of that family member and the sentiment (or the end of A-Levels).. I've spent ALL evening looking at and convincing myself to buy these 3 charms which remind of ex-T:

http://www.pandora.net/en-us/explore.../charms/790250
http://www.pandora.net/en-us/explore.../charms/790361
http://www.pandora.net/en-us/explore.../charms/790417

That is NOT normal. I'm convinced it would be more traumatising than comforting.. but part of me is just flipping out. I wouldn't be surprised if I end up with a teapot tattoo the rate I'm going. Again, WHAT is wrong with me?! This is ridiculous behaviour, but I CAN'T get a grip on it for the life of me!

Thanks if you've read this. I don't know what I want you to do or say.. I'm just so angry at myself for being this way, and so upset!

[SpiritRunner]

bashful, I'm sorry you're hurting.
You're not stupid nor are you pathetic.
Sometimes, I still feel an ache of missing my first T, too, a pang of hurt or regret for the way it went/ended.
I also have a couple things that are like reminders of her, a touchstone she gave me and a heart necklace charm .... things that remind me of the good. There are other things those are representative of (like hope, open-heartedness, emotional honesty, etc) but those particular things also remind me of insights she helped me gain or bits of wisdom she gave.
I bought myself something too that I also use as a symbolic reminder of T2, as well .... sometimes I wear both together as a symbol of how their work is actually connected together in me.
I see it as a positive thing. I don't feel like it's weird ... although some might think it is, because it's hard for others sometimes to understand why/how people might get attached to their Ts. But it's normal to get attached, and normal to want something symbolic, a reminder of the good to hold on to (from anyone whom we've loved, had a strong relationship with).

Oi. Be nice to BashfulBear. We like her. [ETA: SpiritRunner's post wasn't there when I started writing - this was directed to BB, not SR!]

The teapot and tea cup charms are on my wishlist - I adore them!

You are not revolting. Can you try to binge eat on something that's not too terribly unhealthy? Carrots? Some kind of biscuit that's filling but not too sweet? I binge drink tea sometimes - it messes with my brain a bit but isn't harmful.

Thanks for posting and allowing us to share your pain.

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

I bought myself something too that I also use as a symbolic reminder of T2, as well .... sometimes I wear both together as a symbol of how their work is actually connected together in me.
I see it as a positive thing. I don't feel like it's weird ... although some might think it is, because it's hard for others sometimes to understand why/how people might get attached to their Ts.

I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to suggest that anyone who has T mementos is in any way pathetic or 'abnormal'! I have one set of rules for (and thoughts and opinions of) myself, and another lot for everyone else.. I really wasn't thinking straight when I wrote this.. normally I'm a lot more tactile and considerate, but clearly not in this post.

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Can you try to binge eat on something that's not too terribly unhealthy? Carrots? Some kind of biscuit that's filling but not too sweet? I binge drink tea sometimes - it messes with my brain a bit but isn't harmful.

I don't know why, but I can't binge on 'healthy' foods.. it's almost like something possesses me (emotions, I guess), because I can't rein it in and get myself to quit it and pack it in. I just have NO control when I'm this emotional! There's a HUGE bowl of sliced up watermelon in the fridge, but I haven't touched it. I think feeling thoroughly disgusting, crappy, and repulsive means I don't deserve good food.. I'm not sure.. all I know is I wish my Mum and brother wouldn't have so much junk in the cupboards, because if it wasn't there, I sure as heck wouldn't be able to shove it down my throat.

Originally Posted by Apteryx

The teapot and tea cup charms are on my wishlist - I adore them!

Aw, you have a bracelet too?! I don't know too many people with them, and whenever I try to talk about the charms, people just roll their eyes and tell me it's a huge ripoff and waste of money..
I've always loved and wanted those two charms - they're super cute - but I don't know if I should get them, now I've given them a meaning like this.

[BashfulBear]

Thanks for the hugs!
I just wish I had someone to give me a hug and comfort me in person..

[SpiritRunner]

Oh, Bashful, I wasn't thinking you had said it was pathetic to have the mementos - I was more thinking, that some other people I know WOULD think it was weird.
I just wanted you to NOT think it was pathetic or weird that you were missing T or that you wanted a memento or something. Because it's not and you're not.
You weren't tactless or inconsiderate .... nothing to bop your head against the wall for!
I'd say, get yourself those charms and give yourself permission to assign to them whatever all meaning you want to assign to them ... something to do with T (eh, pun ) and/or anything you want.

I'm so, so sorry its so hard. I have times where I miss my ex T so much too...it just ACHES. I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It does get b etter--it won't always hurt this bad. Promise.

Originally Posted by BashfulBear

Aw, you have a bracelet too?! I don't know too many people with them, and whenever I try to talk about the charms, people just roll their eyes and tell me it's a huge ripoff and waste of money..
I've always loved and wanted those two charms - they're super cute - but I don't know if I should get them, now I've given them a meaning like this.

I have a necklace - I got the link and the first charm from my sisters when I had finished my degree, and then I've bought a few charms myself to remember special occasions, and received a few for birthdays and Christmases. My family is quite happy to have such an easy thing to resort to when it's gift-giving time

As for the symbolism, I don't know that it has to be a bad thing. You're remembering something positive, it's not as if you are getting them to remind you of an abuser. The charms really are super cute, and they wouldn't make you miss her more - but they might make you remember all the good things you got from knowing her, as a kind of positive memento. Do you know what I mean? (Of course it's true that they are kind of pricey, and I'm not saying that it's obviously the best thing to use your money for - only you can decide that. But on the other hand, you can decide that. The money is yours.)

[rainboots87]

I can absolutely relate :/ I wish I had something more helpful to say.

[WikidPissah]

aww bashful bear I am sorry it's so hard for you. Please try to be kind to yourself.

[BashfulBear]

Thanks for the responses everyone, I do really appreciate them! I'm still missing her today, but not quite as severely..

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

I'd say, get yourself those charms and give yourself permission to assign to them whatever all meaning you want to assign to them ... something to do with T (eh, pun ) and/or anything you want.

I did go and purchase the charms yesterday.. well, the teapot and teacup anyway! I picked something else (unrelated) instead of the cupcake, as it was huge compared to my other ones!

I'm now really intrigued to know/see if anybody else has any mementos of their T or ex-T.. maybe I'll make a new post?! Perhaps I'll even post a small picture of mine.