I know on one hand it's just a fight and it could blow over and be fine in a few days but I don't think so. I think the relationship has to end. At least for a little while. I think I need to be alone for awhile and work on healing myself and rediscovering who I am. And I think I need to see that my partner can stand on his own two feet and doesn't need me to survive. Maybe we'll get back together in the future.

I think seeing my ex-T on the dating site triggered something. I want to be the kind of person that someone like him would want to go out with.

I know I'm focusing on him specifically but it doesn't have to be him per se (and I know it can't be) but just someone like him. Someone more mature and grown up. Someone who has their life together and can take of themselves. Someone whose life trajectory is closer to my own. I want to leave the drugs and alcohol and partying behind and focus on spiritual growth and personal transformation and making the world a better place. I want to write. I wan to create a nurturing environment for children some day. I want a life filled with love and compassion.

And I don't think I necessarily want to be poly anymore. I want a partner who's committed to me, committed to personal growth, committed to creating a safe, nurturing environment for a family.

That's what I want.

[carly011]

awwww hun you are SO strong! Do you know that? you have amazing courage. Focus on yourself and getting better before you focus on others. You deserve to be happy.

I would struggle with being in a poly relationship also, i want someone to love me and only me, i dont want him to love multiple people. I guess i would feel unworthy of him and not good enough if he felt the need to love more then one person.

Good luck with everything!! **hugs**

[geez]

Many hugs! I love your goals and your list of needs in a relationship. Bravo!

[pbutton]

I am grinning at how strong you sound in that post. Awesome. Keep those goals in mind and you'll be on your way.

@pbutton seriously? You really think I sound strong? *does not feel strong*

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

Someone more mature and grown up. Someone who has their life together and can take of themselves. Someone whose life trajectory is closer to my own. I want to leave the drugs and alcohol and partying behind and focus on spiritual growth and personal transformation and making the world a better place. I want to write. I wan to create a nurturing environment for children some day. I want a life filled with love and compassion.

And I don't think I necessarily want to be poly anymore. I want a partner who's committed to me, committed to personal growth, committed to creating a safe, nurturing environment for a family.

That's what I want.

That quote above definitely reads like it was written by a strong woman who knows what she wants.

we have faith in you♥

[ListenMoreTalkLess]

Originally Posted by pbutton

That quote above definitely reads like it was written by a strong woman who knows what she wants.

Agreed. 100%. pbutton is right on.

[WikidPissah]

Good for you Lilly. You are taking care of yourself, it's very exciting to see. You deserve to have all those things you have listed.

I don't know about this though. He loves me sooooooo much. And I love him back. So he's not perfect? Who is? Maybe we are supposed to learn to live with "good enough". Isn't that what they say?

And... I'm so infatuated with my ex-T and how beautiful and peaceful and healthy he is.... what if I'm just leaving my fiancé for a fantasy??

I did my meditation thing this morning. Trying to get myself to go for a bike ride now.

If you've decided that a poly relationship is not for you, and your fiance is not willing to be monogamous, that's your answer, Lilly. You are not leaving him for a fantasy. You are leaving him for a relationship that meets your needs.

[SpiritRunner]

You ARE gaining strength and wisdom, because you are learning more about what your own values and needs and desires truly are and you are becoming more able and more willing to make choices in line with that.

[kirbydog156]

You sound so positive and empowered in your first post. Listen to that! Hold it, write about it! You deserve to create the most beautiful joyful life possible, and if drugs and the poly lifestyle no longer mesh with that, then it is okay and probably necessary to let that go. It's okay if you both still love each other. Maybe you can give each other the space needed for you both to grow. Try not to let fear get in the way of manifesting the amazing life you and all of us deserve! Meditation is a great thing for you to be doing; you will connect to the loving consciousness within you.

y'all sound like I've convinced you that this is a good thing and I appreciate your confidence in me but let me just say something really scary and horrible about myself...

What if I've done this because I want to be "available" just in case my ex-T might possibly consider a relationship with me someday?

That would be the stupidest mistake anyone ever made wouldn't it? Can you imagine blowing up your relationship for a dumber reason?? I can't.

But when I read what he (XT) wanted in a relationship I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be with someone like him. I want to show him I can be the stable, healthy kind of person that someone like him would date. I do, I do, I do! I know he liked me back. I'm certain of it. I know that's why he referred me to someone else because he couldn't work with me anymore because he was too involved personally. I'm sure of it!

Even if I convince myself that nothing with XT can ever happen though I'm saying that I still want someone LIKE him. Someone grown-up and mature. Someone I don't have to take care of. Someone with self-awareness and an interest in personal growth. I want that.

I just am not clear on my motivations here. That's why I want to call this a time-out, not a break up.

The time out will give you space to explore. For whatever reason you decided to take that route, you still deserve it. Sounds like you have a solid idea of what you need and there is nothing wrong with seeking it out. There are people out there that have the qualities you describe in Ex T. You'll find someone. You will.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

But when I read what he (XT) wanted in a relationship I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be with someone like him.

...

Even if I convince myself that nothing with XT can ever happen though I'm saying that I still want someone LIKE him. Someone grown-up and mature. Someone I don't have to take care of. Someone with self-awareness and an interest in personal growth. I want that.

Is it possible that you ended because you want something that is different than what you had?

It is ok to seek what you really want. You don't have to settle.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

y'all sound like I've convinced you that this is a good thing and I appreciate your confidence in me but let me just say something really scary and horrible about myself...

What if I've done this because I want to be "available" just in case my ex-T might possibly consider a relationship with me someday?

That would be the stupidest mistake anyone ever made wouldn't it? Can you imagine blowing up your relationship for a dumber reason?? I can't.

But when I read what he (XT) wanted in a relationship I wanted to be that person. I wanted to be with someone like him. I want to show him I can be the stable, healthy kind of person that someone like him would date. I do, I do, I do! I know he liked me back. I'm certain of it. I know that's why he referred me to someone else because he couldn't work with me anymore because he was too involved personally. I'm sure of it!

Even if I convince myself that nothing with XT can ever happen though I'm saying that I still want someone LIKE him. Someone grown-up and mature. Someone I don't have to take care of. Someone with self-awareness and an interest in personal growth. I want that.

I just am not clear on my motivations here. That's why I want to call this a time-out, not a break up.

so if this is what you want why not put an add in yourself asking for someone with these qualities and see what happens.nothing wrong with wanting to find someone with the same qualities you find strong in your T.i don't think i would hold my breath that it would be your XT though

@granite1 I do have an ad actually (because we were in an open relationship, I've always had an ad up there to meet new people). I have a date tonight even, but I really, really, really think I should NOT be starting any new relationship right now with anyone. Not until I've got my own life sorted out.

[isbbrat71]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

I know on one hand it's just a fight and it could blow over and be fine in a few days but I don't think so. I think the relationship has to end. At least for a little while. I think I need to be alone for awhile and work on healing myself and rediscovering who I am. And I think I need to see that my partner can stand on his own two feet and doesn't need me to survive. Maybe we'll get back together in the future.

I think seeing my ex-T on the dating site triggered something. I want to be the kind of person that someone like him would want to go out with.

I know I'm focusing on him specifically but it doesn't have to be him per se (and I know it can't be) but just someone like him. Someone more mature and grown up. Someone who has their life together and can take of themselves. Someone whose life trajectory is closer to my own. I want to leave the drugs and alcohol and partying behind and focus on spiritual growth and personal transformation and making the world a better place. I want to write. I wan to create a nurturing environment for children some day. I want a life filled with love and compassion.

And I don't think I necessarily want to be poly anymore. I want a partner who's committed to me, committed to personal growth, committed to creating a safe, nurturing environment for a family.

That's what I want.

You seem like a young person, and I have been there, do that and didnt get the Tshirt! Some of us get involved with various head-cases, so we don't have to look at ourselves. It's time to Love Yourself, Sweetie-Pie. When it's all said and done, we are left with ourselves. Don't feel alone. This too shall Pass. Be Smart-and take care of you.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Lillylillie

@granite1 I do have an ad actually (because we were in an open relationship, I've always had an ad up there to meet new people). I have a date tonight even, but I really, really, really think I should NOT be starting any new relationship right now with anyone. Not until I've got my own life sorted out.

go with your instincts .... what you say here sounds wise to me.

[CantExplain]

Internal conflicts are very painful and sometimes it is impossible to choose.
Especially difficult are tradeoffs between pain now and gain later.

I don't have any answers, sorry.

[elliemay]

While I agree that it might be wise to not start a relationship until you are more clear in your head, if your current one isn't working, then it maybe OK to end it.

It's so much easier sometimes to define what we don't want rather than what we do.

Drugs are never in the "want" column for me. IMO, just bad news.

Drug addiction is never in the "want" column for me either but some people, and I believe my (now ex) fiancé is among them, use them (mostly just weed) regularly and remain productive members of society. His financial irresponsibility is connected more to his being too generous with his friends and buying too many rounds of drinks (it's a British thing) when he can't really afford it. He's not a heroin addict is what I'm saying.

That said he does party a LOT (well, because he's a promotor, he works in night clubs, it comes with the business) and so it's kind of his lifestyle. It doesn't have to be mine but it means our sleep schedules are entirely opposite and we only see each other for a couple of hours after he wakes up about noon and that's only because I don't have a day job at the moment (once I get one again we'd never see each other).

The man has many, many good qualities. He's not abusive to me, he treats me well, he's generous to a fault, he's jolly and almost always in a good mood. He's GOOD for me in many ways. He not only stuck by me but he took care of me when I was suicidal. His lifestyle however is not healthy for me and it's hard for me to fit having children into it at some point which really is something I want to do some day if I can.

Really, I've left sooooo many relationships because they weren't perfect. We went to couples counseling (with XT) to learn how to better understand and live with each other and it's been really good for me to do that. I've stuck with him longer than most people I date (2 years).

I'm not at all sure I should be walking away from this. So for now... yeah, it's just a time out. for the summer. To let me focus on getting better and to let him focus on his big project. Anything can happen during that time.

Lilly, have you talked to him about kids and the desire to have a monogamous relationship? What are his thoughts about those things? For me, because I would be serious about wanting those things, it would be a total deal breaker if he couldn't agree to those things.