This last session when I was triggered, part of the trigger was that I say something desperately wanting clarification from T and she sat there with what I said and her silence stun to feel unbearable. I felt I was left again with my own interpretation of the situation I managed to find the courage to tell her about. Something I had seen her do a few wks ago which stuck in my head
s do
So I begin to drift away into pain and torment and desperately want her reasuurance and don't know how to ask for it without feeling stupid and she doesn't give it. So I finally say "how do I deal with this thinking" and she says simply "reassure yourself" ffs!!! If I could I would.

I need her to say words. I feel I've communicated this to her before needing her to verbalise reasuurance. She did once and asked if that would help and I said yes because when my head is up my Arse I can think back to the words. But then it's back to normal again her keeping verbal communication to its bearestest. She'll probs say "that's how you were left as a child".

Maybe but I need her to walk me through things like she's teaching me my ABC again. I need her words of reasuurance.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I got into a similar spot a few weeks ago. the silence grew longer and heavier and made things so much worse. Finally I managed to get out, "well, you're going to have to say something, because I can't." T2 immediately started talking to me.

Yalom says in therapy we should "strike while the iron is cold". So at the next appointment, before we got into anything hard, I told her what it made me feel like, knowing I was shutting down & her just sitting there, and I told her what I need from her if I start to go away (I do not list specifics, my needs may be different from yours).
She thanked me for letting her know what I need, & the next time the same sort of situation came up again, she acted on what I had told her, and it helped so much - made me aware that the other person in that room was really someone on my side, someone who was actively trying to help me.

I don't know if this is helpful, but thought I would mention it.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Can you try telling your T that you need some "outside" reassurance? Or just ask directly for her reassurance?

When I've been in similar situations with my T, where she doesn't immediately give me the reassurance I need, I've usually just blurted out "I really need some reassurances from you right now." Usually, my T will give a small smile, say okay, and then offer her thoughts and support. She typically won't do it unless I ask, though.

Why do you think the won't do it? So much when through my mind all self hatred stuff such as "she knows you are trying to maniUlate her into caring for you" and "she is aware you are unconsciously trying to get her to mother you" oh god I felt so awful

I will if I can try and tell her Friday I need her to verbalise more. I thought I had told her this before but perhaps not clear enough. I mean how many yrs can she be expected too tell me she isn't or hasn't walked away.

I agree that you need to tell her again. Just keep talking about it. It sounds like this is really important (I guess anything that triggers is important). So keep working on it. Maybe through this you'll find out why the verbal reassurance is so important for you to hear, and then it will be easier to deal with when you don't get it, especially in RL. I know you already told her, but sometimes we need to really drive the point home with them so they KNOW how important something is to us!!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Why do you think the won't do it? So much when through my mind all self hatred stuff such as "she knows you are trying to maniUlate her into caring for you" and "she is aware you are unconsciously trying to get her to mother you" oh god I felt so awful

I will if I can try and tell her Friday I need her to verbalise more. I thought I had told her this before but perhaps not clear enough. I mean how many yrs can she be expected too tell me she isn't or hasn't walked away.

I'm not really sure why they won't offer reassurance unless asked. All I've come up with so far is that the T probably wants their client to be able to reassure them self and just blindly offering reassurances can undermine that. Or, maybe it's because they want the client to be able to ask for these things. Or, maybe it's just that old "T's are not mind readers" bit and they really just don't know what we need sometimes.

I've been with my T for 3 years, and she still has to reassure me that she's still there and won't walk away. I've gotten to the point where I can usually tell her that I need her to give me that reassurance one more time. Sometimes, T reads in to what I'm saying and picks up that I need that reassurance...but that's pretty rare and usually it's when I don't realize myself that I need it.

I think sometimes, you just have to come out and say "I know you want me to be able to do this for myself, but I don't feel like I'm at the point where I can yet. I still need your support in this, I still need reassurance."

it would make things so much easier if they would give reassurances without asking. to me, that would make things safer. knowing there was someone on my side. sometimes it feels like t doesn't want to be on my side. that he is seeing the bads too.

i think it takes alot of courage of to ask for reassurance. kudos to you for being able to do it. give it a try!!!!