[SkyscraperMeow]

When I read so many posts where people's therapists have obviously encouraged an emotional connection on the client's part which they have no intention of seeing through to any kind of healthy conclusion.

I don't buy that it's good for people to connect to a therapist, just to be constantly unable to meet the very natural human needs and desires that arise out of such a connection.

Seems to me that almost all the posts on this board aren't really about people's issues that they went to therapy for, but are instead regarding the asymmetrical relationship they have with their therapist. It's as if the therapy itself becomes the cause and source of pain, not the initial reason or trauma.

It seems really screwy and sick, to be honest. Not from the client's P.O.V, but from the therapist's. Why oh why is it considered therapeutic to enter into a one sided emotional relationship with someone who is already in pain?

People speak about unconditional positive regard from a therapist. That's clearly not humanly possible. To claim it is is to basically pretend that one has reached Nirvana.

I feel like therapists hold themselves up as something they are not and never could be, encourage attachment and then act as if its the client's issues that are causing problems. It's not. You could take an objectively mentally healthy individual, put them in this sort of situation and they would react precisely the same ways.

Being attached to someone you pay, someone who has no real obligation to you, someone who can choose to take your money one day and not the next, or just quit work or lose interest is a very, very bad bet.

You don't have to have attachment 'issues' to think that. That's just common sense. It concerns me how many people are busy blaming themselves for feelings which are not only natural, but pretty much inevitable given the nature of their relationships.

You're in pain. Someone appears, claims to want to hear all you have to say and never ever judge you. Someone who will care about your every thought. And all you have to do is give them $150 per session (or whatever.) I mean come on. It's like a romance novel almost, but even worse because it's real life.

People feel bad because they want their therapist to rescue them, or be their mother, or their lover. And they blame themselves for those feelings because they know damn well how out of kilter they are with reality, but at the end of the day, I don't think it's the client's fault. You went to see someone who dragged up all your emotional debris, behaved in such a way as to forge a deep intimacy with you, and who thinks that it's perfectly reasonable to switch all that off at the end of 50 minutes.

It's not reasonable, or rational. Or even okay. It's manipulation, really.

I just had to get that off my chest.

<Standing>
<Applauding>

[musinglizzy]

I AM attached to my T, and I feel the same way. I think of it all the time. There will come a day I won't see her anymore..... and it will be yet another loss to deal with. I've actually talked to her about it, and she says she maintains contact with people, and I can always come back if needed...so it doesn't have to really "be over." She said even when she retires, she may only semi retire, and continue to see a few patients. Maybe I'm naïve to think I'd be one of those she'd keep around. I just had a session today. I've noticed it's when I'm either crying, or just clam up, that she strengthens that connection, which feels nice now, but someday, wont be so nice when it's time to say goodbye.

[Restin]

I will admit that some green therapists and some with character defects themselves will fit the description of this thread. However, I've read many textbooks on modern therapy, and have been in therapy in a transference relationship myself. And I believe that understanding what is supposed to take place in serious therapy is far different from the disappointment expressed above.
I certainly do understand the deep hurt of having a bad, irresponsible therapist, as I've been through that agony and rage my own self. It's hard to pick up the pieces and try again. But my illness was too painful to just stuff it. I found that a good therapist and good therapy offer a much needed and healing relationship that can transform lives, and is well worth the study and effort in both technique and relationship.

[precaryous]

I have taken the gamble about 25 times and have come out on the bad end about 23 times. You're right...those aren't good odds.

I have increased my expectations of how the therapist behaves: appears to be sincere, genuine, competent, caring, believes in "doing no harm," hasn't been arrested, not likely to be arrested. (Sad I have to add those last two.)

But I have lowered my expectations of what we might accomplish. I don't expect to "finish" therapy. I don't expect to be cured. I just hope to deal with issues in a more healthful manner. If we do better than that, I'll be surprised.

[iheartjacques]

I dread the day I have to say goodbye. I hope it can be on a good note.

[NowhereUSA]

It is what it is. I grew up moving so frequently that this could pretty much describe a majority of my relationships in life to the point I've long since shut down. So, :: shrugs :: at least if I depend on my T it's a consistent relationship and maybe I'll figure out how to trust others closer to me.

[missbella]

I agree wholeheartedly. It's easy to exploit someone in distress, easy to exploit the aspect of us that longs to return to the shelter and cared for state of childhood or recover what we didn't receive then. I found the regression and infantilizing highly damaging.

Yes, my role was in wanting this. But my trained therapists were far more responsible for the fraud, pretending to be what they aren't and knowing what they didn't.

I admit to being a bit baffled by how much emotional energy many have invested in their therapists. It does seem like for many their therapy has ceased to be about their own life and resolving their real-life issues and has completed turned into a focus on their therapist and whatever their issues are with their therapist. It may just be the way this particular forum tends to lean though, because in real-life, I don't know anyone in therapy who is that caught up in their therapy relationship that it seems to cause them the amount of stress and anxiety and drama that I constantly read here. And I actually do know quite a few people who are in therapy and we have talked about our therapy, but always in the context of ourselves, not our relationship with our therapists because, quite frankly, it isn't really about our relationship with our therapists. But again, I also don't think this forum is very indicative of the preponderance of most peoples' therapy experiences.

That said, however, I don't personally think there is anything wrong with having a meaningful relationship with a therapist. Not in itself. I have had strong, solid, meaningful relationships with the 3 therapists I have worked with over the years, and I suppose you could say we had healthy attachments (although I really hate that term; makes me think of velcro). However, my therapy was never focused on them or even on our relationship. My therapy was focused on me and my issues and my healing. I'm glad for that.

My therapists kept my focus on me. They were supportive and caring, but honestly, I don't think they would have at all allowed themselves to be fostered as some sort of parent or savior or rescuer at all. In fact, they were always very adamant about keeping things real, having healthy boundaries, and keeping themselves off of any pedestal I might have for a moment tried to place them on. Perhaps that's the difference between an experienced, skilled, boundaried therapist and one that is inconsistent with boundaries, in over their head skill-wise, etc.

I've cared about my therapists, but I've also been able to walk away from them on healthy terms, move on without distress, never fear that I would never find another therapist able to also help me in the future. I've cared about my therapists, but I've never felt they manipulated our relationship or pressed it to be something other than what it was designed for: a therapy relationship, a temporary arrangement for support and assistance while I gained the insight and skills to move forward on my own. That was always the goal.

My therapy relationships were real relationships, but they were only what they were designed to be in the context of my therapy. When the context gets blurred, when the boundaries get blurred, when therapist tries to be more than therapist, when client wants them to be more than therapist . . .that seems to be where things get confusing for people, painful, anxiety-making, and completely off center.

[growlycat]

I see it as just part of the process. You work through your issues in part through this relationship. I mean, you are essentially hiring someone to manipulate you into healthier behavior and thinking. I feel like I signed up for this and it is usually worth it.

[stopdog]

I have known people in real life who get extremely caught up in the therapist and focus on that a lot. It put me off of therapy for a long time - the idea that therapy had to be like that. The first one I see now used to try and make therapy about her in some ways - other clients are nicer to her and love her more than I do, asking me if I was attracted to her and getting offended when I said good god no and so on. My first lover told me stories about her mother's therapist with whom her mother had a tumultuous relationship and how my lover and her father dreaded the bad weeks because of how her mother responded. I was in college and had never known anyone who saw a therapist as far as I knew and it sounded dreadful. The idea of one's mother going to a therapist was quite a shock to me as well as how the mother and the family responded to it. I was glad my mother did not see one because it sounded so awful and like the therapist was so intrusive (my lover's mother was not seriously mentally ill or suicidal).

I'm coming to see it as part of the process too. Just today I was telling t about how I recognized something that happened during my session last week - something she said, it was like she was my mother and it was a long time ago and I very subtly reacted from an old pattern of dealing with my mother. I didn't think she noticed it, and she said she didn't when I told her today, I also told her it was SO subtle that I didn't even realize it until a few days later, and it happened inside of me!! But I worked on that over the past several days and felt like I had actually resolved something, and had thought I wouldn't even tell her about it because I didn't really need help with it, but then I decided to share it with her anyway and I'm glad I did, glad we talked about it, quite an interesting conversation. Yep, all a part of the overall process... usually worth it, like growlycat said. I will however be the first to stand up and admit that at times I want to tell my "process" to go take a flying leap. It's hard work. But I believe with a competent and honest therapist it is so very worth it.

eta: today I got the clearest glimmer ever that when it comes time for us to wrap up this work we have done together, I will be able to walk away with my head high and peace in my heart. I realized that I'm not afraid anymore of the end of our therapy relationship - I have made many new friends in the past couple of years, several of them as I have opened my heart and allowed people to care about me, have become a real-life support system the likes of which I never had before t. And it's because of the therapeutic relationship, working through so much crap, getting mad at her and her still accepting me, so MUCH stuff...... that I've come to a place where I can accept other people caring about me. And I think for the first time in 3+ years of therapy, when she said today that "Life is beautiful, isn't it?" I was able to agree whole-heartedly.

[magicalprince]

Hmm yeah this is why I approach therapy from the perspective of "I'm just paying to get some safe social interaction." Not gonna say it hasn't hurt at times, but I worked thru my transference and that was awesome for my emotional health!!!

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by SkyscraperMeow

When I read so many posts where people's therapists have obviously encouraged an emotional connection on the client's part which they have no intention of seeing through to any kind of healthy conclusion.

I don't buy that it's good for people to connect to a therapist, just to be constantly unable to meet the very natural human needs and desires that arise out of such a connection.

Seems to me that almost all the posts on this board aren't really about people's issues that they went to therapy for, but are instead regarding the asymmetrical relationship they have with their therapist. It's as if the therapy itself becomes the cause and source of pain, not the initial reason or trauma.

It seems really screwy and sick, to be honest. Not from the client's P.O.V, but from the therapist's. Why oh why is it considered therapeutic to enter into a one sided emotional relationship with someone who is already in pain?

People speak about unconditional positive regard from a therapist. That's clearly not humanly possible. To claim it is is to basically pretend that one has reached Nirvana.

I feel like therapists hold themselves up as something they are not and never could be, encourage attachment and then act as if its the client's issues that are causing problems. It's not. You could take an objectively mentally healthy individual, put them in this sort of situation and they would react precisely the same ways.

Being attached to someone you pay, someone who has no real obligation to you, someone who can choose to take your money one day and not the next, or just quit work or lose interest is a very, very bad bet.

You don't have to have attachment 'issues' to think that. That's just common sense. It concerns me how many people are busy blaming themselves for feelings which are not only natural, but pretty much inevitable given the nature of their relationships.

You're in pain. Someone appears, claims to want to hear all you have to say and never ever judge you. Someone who will care about your every thought. And all you have to do is give them $150 per session (or whatever.) I mean come on. It's like a romance novel almost, but even worse because it's real life.

People feel bad because they want their therapist to rescue them, or be their mother, or their lover. And they blame themselves for those feelings because they know damn well how out of kilter they are with reality, but at the end of the day, I don't think it's the client's fault. You went to see someone who dragged up all your emotional debris, behaved in such a way as to forge a deep intimacy with you, and who thinks that it's perfectly reasonable to switch all that off at the end of 50 minutes.

It's not reasonable, or rational. Or even okay. It's manipulation, really.

I just had to get that off my chest.

What if the reason the client started therapy was precisely the issue of attachment, and how to resolve the unmet needs of infancy or childhood? That IS the issue I went to therapy for. I didn't know why I attached to unavailable people throughout my life until I continued to do that with Ts. My T believes that, through somatic experiencing, which involves therapeutic touching, she can calm my nervous system so that I can have those feelings with me in my life. She has always encouraged me to work on my relationships in "real life" at the same time as my maintaining a close relationship with her. That's the way she does therapy, and it is working for me in a way that no other T helped me by remaining distant. The "realness" of the therapeutic relationship is healing.

I agree with what you wrote, but it's not so black or white. Ts can and do care beyond the 50 or 60 minute session, and if I quit therapy, my T says she will still answer my emails, and be available for me to return at any time. She takes her responsibility seriously, and has told me she is not going to hurt me. However, she also has said "I'm just a regular person." She believes strongly in the kind of work she does, and with SE you do have to be more intimate with the client. We have a real relationship with limits, but those limits don't prohibit the genuine affection and love that we have for each other.

A lot of what I read here feels more like unresolved fantasies.

[feralkittymom]

I understand the intensity of the feelings and how entrapped one could feel when experiencing them. But I don't agree that "anyone" put into a therapy relationship responds in such an intense and painful way. Assuming a competent and ethical therapist--and I realize some will not pass that test, but that's a different conversation--therapy doesn't create what isn't already there. Some who will experience such feelings enter therapy aware of them, but I suspect most are only aware that life isn't working, and they want to get it fixed. It's pretty standard that presenting problems, at least within first therapy experiences, are symptoms rather than causes.

I don't find that the problem lies within the process, but rather within self-blame for experiencing the feelings. I don't think it's appropriate to judge feelings within therapy by social rules, nor will responding (or not) as would be appropriate in society address them. In the hands of a competent therapist, the process makes sense to me, but it can be demanding.

I didn't go into therapy looking for a father, though I was aware of an emotional hole in my life. Labeling it came later. My T never encouraged regression, but accepted what I presented (some regression is common when dealing with childhood pain) and handled it carefully. I grew through the process, the original pain healed, and what I was left with was a lasting parental fondness for my T.

therapy has done me the world of good. it is nowhere near the source of my problems. it really, really helps.

[nicoleflynn]

I have sent you a pm.

[Ford Puma]

I agree 100% with the open post. I could never understand all this emotional attachment that some T's seem to be so obsessed with. Why on earth do we need to love them or fell a need for them. I dont like at all the idea of been curtailed by T by emotions.

[The_little_didgee]

What an interesting thread. I've always wondered why some people get overly attached to their therapist. Reading the responses here has helped me understand why this happens.

The following along with the encouragement of attachment anger me:

Therapy can be very limiting, because it fails to see a client's reality. The different theories can even distort reality. There are also other factors that explain a client's behavior such as disposition, genetics, culture, substance abuse, stress, illness etc... Often these are ignored.

Therapists tend to assume the way we interact with them is also how we interact with others outside the office. I don't agree with this assumption because the way I interact with my therapist is very different from friends, family and acquaintances.

All these assumptions can cause a lot of harm. A misdiagnosis often makes it worse. I know this because I have been through it. Therapy nearly broke me.

[The_little_didgee]

Originally Posted by Ford Puma

Why on earth do we need to love them or fell a need for them.

Maybe destroying a client is their way to get rid of insecurity and fill a lacking identity.

I am sorry people have had such negative experiences. I don't quite see where the need for a blanket condemnation of an extremely complex process comes from, however. Nor do I understand why people who post their genuine, honest experiences have to be treated with such condescension - we all know that many people here are helped very much by therapy, and by having a therapist they feel a connection to, even a need for. How is it helpful to tell all those people that their experiences are not valid, because therapists are manipulative crooks?

Some therapists are unethical. Some therapists are inexperienced. Some therapists are badly trained. Some therapists get in over their heads. Some therapists are just plain useless. But not all of them are. And despite some bad experiences, I don't think that feelings of positive regard and attachment are universally bad, either.

Disclaimer: I don't love my therapist, and he has certainly never encouraged me to do so. So I'm basically a watcher from the sidelines here.

[StillIRise]

Originally Posted by Ford Puma

I agree 100% with the open post. I could never understand all this emotional attachment that some T's seem to be so obsessed with. Why on earth do we need to love them or fell a need for them. I dont like at all the idea of been curtailed by T by emotions.

These feelings aren't a choice for me. They are there and either I deny them and push them away or I get completely overwhelmed by them and want to be totally attached to him - but what I'm aiming for is to be able to acknowledge those feelings, acknowledge where they came from and why and share that but at the same time be aware I can't have that experience, I didn't get it when I needed it as a child and its not possible now. What is possible though is to have a restorative experience with another person, my therapist, in which I am not subject to conditions and will not be rejected or abandoned. Slowly learning that I am a worthwhile person with normal wants and desires, that I do not need to be ashamed of.

It's a painful process working through attachment issues and often in the process, you bounce around between too much and too little and it's about finding the middle ground, about being able to stay in that middle ground.

I could not do trauma work with a person I felt no emotional connection with.

[MoxieDoxie]

Perhaps there is a patter of those, with a specific diagnosis, that get attached to their therapist, say like those with Borderline Personality Disorder or Complex PTSD. Maybe this thread can be a research study. Everyone sound off. Diagnosis and unhealthy attachment or not.

Me: Complex PTSD, BPD, Bulimic- Totally unhealty attachment, can't live without him, obsessive need to always stay in contact, panic when I think I can never see or hear from him again. I love him(Not errotic-no desire to have sex with him)

[StillIRise]

For me, initial diagnosis was C-PTSD but turned into DID. I've got classic disorganised attachment issues going on, one minute I hate him, the next I'm desperate for him (in a non-sexual way), I'm trying to find the middle ground...