[bamapsych]

I've been seeing my current T for about 4-5 months. I go once per week. We are both females. She's black and 40 yr old. I'm white and 25 yr old. She fixes her hair in all different kinds of ways. One time when I first started going, she had these tiny curls all over and they were so bouncy. During therapy, she sit there and twisted them around her finger (maybe she was nervous or bored???)... Anyway, I had this overwhelming desire to want to touch/feel them bouncy curls. I didn't know her enough, and plus she has pretty strict boundaries with me. I keep wanting to ask her to fix her hair like that agian and tell her the reason why lol. I don't know if she might freak out!! I would love to have her sit beside me on the couch and let me play in her hair. Is this just me being curious or is this motherly transference or what???

I hear you! We love to play with our t's hair....she totally lets the younger inside kids mess with her hair. She also plays with ours and fixes it for us sometimes. It feels very nurturing... I love it when my students play woth my hair-- they love my hair and are fascinated with it because they are all african american and i am caucasian. I think its a very close, intimate thing to be able to touch someones hair.

[PiperLeigh]

My youngest daughter is biracial (black/white) and has ethnic hair that in its natural state has extremely tight curls. I can't keep myself from gently playing with and pulling her boingy springy curls. I remember having that compulsion when I was in high school when I sat behind a girl (also black) who had the same hair. I smile remembering that. I never did touch her hair because I think that would not have been appreciated, but now that I have a daughter with that kind of hair, I sure do enjoy it! All that to say, I don't think it is necessarily a transference issue (maybe, but not necessarily), but I do think that it can be normal to want to touch and pull that springy hair for fun. My daughter is a toddler and even she goes around playing with the curls. LOL

[bamapsych]

SarahMichelle, I'm so glad your T is nuturing and that you are nuturing your students. I'm working on being more intimate with people. It freaks me out pretty badly.

PiperLeigh, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one fascinated with the springy curls

Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her to wear her hair curly again and let me play during therapy? She has told me that my inner child needs to grow up. She thinks I'm immature in my relationships with people. She has pretty tight boundaries with me. Would this be a boundary crossing? How risky would it be for me to ask something like this (rejection wise)?

[ECHOES]

She might not fix her hair that way, but that doesn't mean you can't talk about your thoughts and feelings about her hair.

I'm not sure what your t does with her hair, but just a head's up so you won't be hurt if she says no: black women do NOT let people touch their hair. Period. Husbands of black women my go years without touching their wives' hair. Black women may spend over $1000 a month on hair treatments, and it must never be touched.

I agree with Echoes, though. This is a great therapy topic!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her to wear her hair curly again and let me play during therapy?

You can always ASK. Always. But be prepared for the possibility that she will just say no.

Hopefully, she will ask:
* What's so special about my hair?
* Why do you want to touch it?
* What does hair mean to you?
* Whose hair do you touch?
* Who touches your hair?
* How do you feel about that?

But the answer might still be no.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

You can always ASK. Always. But be prepared for the possibility that she will just say no.

Hopefully, she will ask:
* What's so special about my hair?
* Why do you want to touch it?
* What does hair mean to you?
* Whose hair do you touch?
* Who touches your hair?
* How do you feel about that?

But the answer might still be no.

These are great questions, Can't Explain!

Bamapsych, in terms of how risky it is to ask, rejection-wise, that depends on what exactly you mean by that. I don't think asking will in any way damage your Ts opinion of you. I don't think there is anything strange about having that desire. Therefore, I think she will simply want to discuss it with you, and ask precisely the kind of questions Can't Explain lists above. However, I think her answer will probably be "no." While some therapists may be willing to let a child client (or a DID client with a child alter) touch their hair, I think most Ts would probably say no to adult clients because of the level of intimacy involved. If you think about it, how many people do you let touch your hair? For me personally, the only people I let touch my hair are my partner, my hairdresser, and my gay-boy best friend.

I did, however, tell T that I once had a dream where I gave her a make-over The make-over involved styling her hair, doing her make-up, and giving her a new outfit to wear. She said my dream was "awesome" and said she thought I'd probably do a great job! (Though I know she wouldn't let me give her a make-over in real life)

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by lucydog

I'm not sure what your t does with her hair, but just a head's up so you won't be hurt if she says no: black women do NOT let people touch their hair. Period. Husbands of black women my go years without touching their wives' hair. Black women may spend over $1000 a month on hair treatments, and it must never be touched.

Lucy, I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it, but this comment came off as offensive to me. There are millions of black women in the world, and they all have their own opinions on everything, including their hair. There is no "rule" that all black women feel the same way about their hair.

This is a stereotype.

The only way to know how T feels about people touching her hair, is to ask. It doesn't matter if T is white, black, asian, indian, or whatever.

However, the OP said that her T says her "inner child" needs to "grow up", and said her relationships were "immature". To me, these are signs that her request will probably met with a firm "no", and perhaps an uncomfortable conversation about boundaries. Not because her T is African American, but because of her views on her client.

[anilam]

No one touches my hair- I go to hairdresser only like once a year- get a really short cut (look stupid) and let it grow.
I'm white (too white for my taste:-(, have thick, curly blond hair and some ppl would like to touch them (when I was a kid they did it even without asking). Maybe that's why I hate it so much... IDK
Surely you can ask but, as many had already said, be prepared that she'll say no. I think most ppl (throughout all races and nationalities) would dislike others touching their hair.

[WikidPissah]

I hate having my hair touched. I am and have always been a ginger. My whole life strangers would grab my hair and run their hands thru it. "Oh look at your lovely red hair". I bleached it blonde for a few years when I was old enough. Now I keep it cut pretty short, and the only one who can touch it is my daughter.

oops...I think I got triggered. Anyway, you can ask, just make sure you are prepared for a "no".

InTherapy: I'm sorry, I certainly didn't mean to offend. I am 1/2 black and 1/2 Mexican. The Mexican side of my family is always playing with, brushing and braiding each others hair. The black side- never. Never, never. Certainly it depends on the person, but I wanted the OP to know that for many black women it is more than personal discomfort about touch, and it is not necessarily about therapy or even just personal preference- it is a bigger deal than non-African American women may understand. (Personally, my hair takes after the Mexican side, but I keep it very, very short and don't like it touched.)

[pbutton]

I have long curly hair and HATE when people think they can touch it. I hate touch in general though.

[Indie'sOK]

I have your average boring blonde white girl hair, but still don't like it touched. I was even considering dreads for awhile but thought it would require too much maintenance.

I LOVE my T's hair. She's asian so she's got the most gorgeous black hair that she highlights with brown and puts curls in. I wish I had curly hair - mine's just shoulder-length and wavy.

[MASIMO]

My T is bald. I fantisize about rubbing his head, but i would never dare ask.

[blur]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her to wear her hair curly again and let me play during therapy? She has told me that my inner child needs to grow up. She thinks I'm immature in my relationships with people. She has pretty tight boundaries with me. Would this be a boundary crossing? How risky would it be for me to ask something like this (rejection wise)?

i have to admit this does seem kind of inappropriate to me because this is a professional relationship rather than a personal one. everyone is probably different about these things though. i do think from what you've said here about your T she will not respond positively. personally, i wouldn't even ask. you might find it helpful to imagine how you would feel if someone asked if you'd wear your hair a certain way so they could play in it. that can be a helpful way to put yourself in another's shoes to gauge if what you are doing/saying is appropriate or not.

[bamapsych]

i have appointment with T tomorrow (Tuesday June 18) at 5:00 eastern time. trying to decide whether or not to mention this? or maybe i should print this post off and give it to her? what exactly does she mean that my "inner child needs to grow up"? does she think i have multiple personalities???

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

i have appointment with T tomorrow (Tuesday June 18) at 5:00 eastern time. trying to decide whether or not to mention this? or maybe i should print this post off and give it to her? what exactly does she mean that my "inner child needs to grow up"? does she think i have multiple personalities???

I'm not sure the inner child can grow up. You're always going to have an inner child, right?

But perhaps your inner adult needs to grow in strength and confidence? That might be it.

i wouldn't worry-it takes a lot more to have multiple personalities than just having an inner child.

[bamapsych]

I had my appointment yesterday after taking a 3 week break. You guys will never believe this... T had her hair fixed in those bouncy curls!!! This is only the second time she has had it fixed like that. She sat and twisted them around her finger again. I couldn't hardly control my urge to ask if I could touch them, but I did lol. It was probably the toughest session I've ever had. Really wated to just cuddle up with her and play in her hair and let her be like my mommy

[stopdog]

I think it is possible for one to talk about one wants without asking to do it.

[bamapsych]

I have appointment with T this afternoon. I wonder if she will be curly or straight lol?

[kiki86]

i think it's really offensive for white people to want to play with a black persons hair just because it's "springy"

[kiki86]

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by kiki86

i think it's really offensive for white people to want to play with a black persons hair just because it's "springy"

Why is this offensive?

White people and black people have completely different types of hair. This is just a fact. I don't think curiosity about the difference is offensive. I think it's natural.

Of course, there are offensive ways to APPROACH your curiosity, but just the general desire to investigate something which is unfamiliar to you?

Acknowledging diversity is not offensive to me.