[Laci1234]

Hi there. Sorry for the long post but I need some advice.
I originally sought therapy from a male psychiatrist starting 2011 02 for anxiety, my marriage and eating issues. Fast forward to now. Since my spouse and I married, we do not have sex (maybe a few times a year) and we do not talk and we sleep in separate rooms. There is really no intimacy or closeness. He sits on one sofa and I on the other. This is recently starting to irk me alot. So in therapy I have been discussing this issue recently with my psychiatrist. My doctor states he sees me being 3/4 out the door already and my spouse would really need to step up his game to make this relationship work. My spouse knows this but he never changes. ie. I have always initiated the sex even though he knows he should be trying. For example I asked him to buy me lingerie and he came home with flannel pajamas for me saying he thought they were cute.

My psychiatrist and I laugh when we are together and I can cry in front of him and just be me. He tells me I am such a high calibre girl and why am I settling when there are guys out there who are affluent and educated and have more of the personality traits I could want. He asked me what my ideal spouse would be and I said educated and talkative and loving and emotional and similar interests. He told me these guys do exist. He tells me I look like I just stepped off the cover of a magazine and likely my spouse is intimidated by this given I have the higher paying job, the higher educations, etc. My psychiatrist asks me what sex is like with my spouse and if he looks me in the eyes and is slow and if there is a connection there. I tell him it is done in the dark and my spouse is very rough although he is very lustful when we do it but not gentle or romantic. And when it is done, that is it. No cuddling and we return to our separate rooms. So I tell my doctor this and he tells me how it should be (slow, gentle, etc.) and WOW.

Lately I am feeling more for this psychiatrist but I know, for the majority, the relationship is an illusion as I only know 20% about him. And it is his job to boost me up and put me on a pedestal and go on about how attractive I am. I know he has older kids as he is about 55 and I am 37. So maybe him, as I see him in his office, is not even the real him. It is the psychiatrist job he is doing and who knows what he is like outside. he is married to a wife though he has no wedding ring on. Anyways I have told my spouse this and he gets a little panicky and says he knows he has to up his game, etc. but then life carries on as before. So here is a psychiatrist who, physically, I could never even have imagined myself being attracted to but because of this bond I have with him, I am just crazy about him. I am not a believer in affairs and my psychiatrist told me only low caliber (he likes that word) do that but given he sees me as so high caliber he knows I would never do that which is true. But I owe it to my marriage to try but I am not sure what to do. Also, my spouse is a wonderful man but he has had a rough life and feelings are hard for him. He says he wants to make the marriage work and does not want to lose me. But he also thinks the doctor is dragging me into a world of fantasy when I see him by telling me I should be with someone more affulent, etc. Also my spouse has met my doc and thinks he is arrogant and that he has a thing for me based on what is going on.

Another thing I want to ask is role play normal with your psychiatrist? Two sessions ago we were talking about plastic surgeons as I had gotten my breast augmentation done and we were talking about body issues. So I was saying oh it must be nice to be married to a doctor and make that type of money. And my doctor said "yes but do you think they are all happy?" and I said "well I am not sure but there must be some with families and wives that truly are family men and just do work as they love." and his response was "ya do not tell me that they do not all have mistresses somewhere in South Beach they keep and they cheat on their wives." And then he said 'would you rather have the doc that cheats on his wife and makes over a million a year or the nice doctor that makes 800,000 and lives in a less exciting city? " (which I took to be him). So I said " I would pick the nice doctor then." And so then he said "let's do a role play and I will show you what it is like to be married to one of those rich men." It went on for 1 hour and in there he called me a ***** twice, told me that is my 'tits" started sagging I would be traded in for a younger version of myself, and that as long as we keep having sex with the lights on, he likes that and will keep me, and WAY more. Needless to say i was shocked. But he said he was just trying to show me how miserable life could be with one of those guys. He said he was only speaking professionally and not personally. So does this make this all right, including the compliments which I lap up...

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by Laci1234

Another thing I want to ask is role play normal with your psychiatrist? Two sessions ago we were talking about plastic surgeons as I had gotten my breast augmentation done and we were talking about body issues. So I was saying oh it must be nice to be married to a doctor and make that type of money. And my doctor said "yes but do you think they are all happy?" and I said "well I am not sure but there must be some with families and wives that truly are family men and just do work as they love." and his response was "ya do not tell me that they do not all have mistresses somewhere in South Beach they keep and they cheat on their wives." And then he said 'would you rather have the doc that cheats on his wife and makes over a million a year or the nice doctor that makes 800,000 and lives in a less exciting city? " (which I took to be him). So I said " I would pick the nice doctor then." And so then he said "let's do a role play and I will show you what it is like to be married to one of those rich men." It went on for 1 hour and in there he called me a ***** twice, told me that is my 'tits" started sagging I would be traded in for a younger version of myself, and that as long as we keep having sex with the lights on, he likes that and will keep me, and WAY more. Needless to say i was shocked. But he said he was just trying to show me how miserable life could be with one of those guys. He said he was only speaking professionally and not personally. So does this make this all right, including the compliments which I lap up...

That whole exchange sounds profoundly inappropriate, and potentially abusive. I'd run from that guy immediately.

[Butterflies Are Free]

I do not like the sound of what he said to you. Can you get a new doctor?

This guy sounds completely off the wall, inappropriate, etc. and staying under his care is going to lead to trouble from the sounds of it. If you truly value your marriage, find a different therapist who will work with you and your husband together to improve your relationship. This guy is bad news.

In regards to your psychiatrist...
Let's be honest:

I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO FIND A NEW DOC.

I was a bit disturbed by this conversation. His behavior is crossing a professional boundary. It seems to me as though he has ulterior motives in pursuing this dialogue with you and is using you to meet his personal needs.

I suggest you take your money, GTF out, and run!

[pbutton]

I cannot, under any imaginable circumstances, EVER see my therapist using the word tits in session. He once copied me and used the word boobs during a discussion and immediately apologized. We weren't talking about my chest, so I was totally fine with it, but he sprung right into action and said he should have selected better wording.

For all I know, he sits in his office and chants TITS TITS TITS when I'm not there. But he'd NEVER say that directly to me. EVER.

I would run like hell. That sounds so freaking weird. It's giving me definite creep vibes.

Red flags popped up immediately when reading this post! Like previous comments I do believe this role play was to meet his own personal needs and the phrasing he used was highly inappropriate! It sounds as though he knows you like him and will do anything toto have a hold over you! Realistically what did that role play have to do with your therapy? You just asked him a simple question about his personal life and he took it one step further and used your hour and your money to persue his fantasy in having a relationship with you! It's sick, I have read that50% of psychiatrists abuse their clients and get struck off, and had he of used those words in front of me I would have reported him!

[CantExplain]

((Lacy))

I'm sorry to hear your marriage is not giving you what you need.

Originally Posted by Laci1234

And it is his [psychiatrist's] job to boost me up and put me on a pedestal and go on about how attractive I am.

Um... I'm not sure that is his job. Supportive yes, but "pedestal"? That sounds wrong to me.

My T is very sparing of explicit praise. She gives me encouragement, but no more than absolutely necessary.

[kiki86]

that all sounds extremely creepy. and i mean it. he is CREEPY. you need a new doctor.

[geez]

Lots of good responses here. WOW! Sorry I don't have anything else to add. but wow.

On the other side of things I can see how you could be allured by T's fantasy. Your marriage is in a state that needs attention and you have a spouse that's not into doing the work it seems.

My husband and I went to marriage therapy and it took me THREE YEARS to get him to go to therapy. And during those three years I spent time talking about how helpless and hopeless I felt with T1 because my husband wasn't interested in getting help.

What got my husband to marriage therapy? I put it too him this way: "I am 98% not in this marriage anymore. We either see a therapist or an attorney it's YOUR CHOICE." And I'm still married and much happier. there's still work to do but we aren't in crisis.

[Wren_]

i'm sorry; that sounds a really difficult situation for you to be getting the attention you want but from your psychiatrist rather than your husband ... I really, really don't like what you shared as far as his behaviour it seems totally unethical and really dangerous/confusing for you ... please keep posting and sharing as you need to and listen to what others have said; this really doesn't sound good for you

[Perna]

I do not think I want to comment on the conversation you had in session since I was not there, do not know you all's relationship and what you are working on. I got the impression your psychiatrist was trying to illustrate his take of different scenarios around money and broad types of men/marriages and I could see that both being a problem and not being a problem in various relationships with various therapists I have had. I would decide for yourself what you want in therapy and what you feel you are getting. If the behavior worried or upset you I would tell your therapist and/or do something about it (change the conversation in therapy when it is about subjects you do not wish to discuss or leave therapy with this doctor if you feel you or he is getting more personally involved than you would like, etc.).

I mostly was curious about why you married your husband? It sounds like he changed instantly with marriage. Did you marry last year also or have you been married longer? Why are you staying with someone who apparently is not trying to make the marriage better? Why are you not going over and sitting on the same couch with him if you want to do something with the marriage? From your post, it almost seems like you are using your psychiatrist/therapy to take the place of the disappointment of your marriage instead of working on fixing it or leaving.

[Laci1234]

Thanks for all the replies. The sick thing about this is I do love his attention. I agree though it stems from craving approval from my dad who was very distant in my childhood and my spouse, who is getting better as he learns how to show feelings. My spouse finds it hard to open up as he did not have a dad and his mom just ignored him.

So I realize I am not genuinely in love with T as it is simply I am getting what I want but in his therapy room through him. So he is filling a void.

UGH. And he is not normally a man I would even be physically attracted to. I will keep updating as I go along. Part of this is all creepy but also I love the attention and compliments he pays me. The ***** and role playing freaked me out though but with all the compliments last session, it seems it made up for it. I just find I am on such an up an down roller coaster of feelings with him.

[pbutton]

Keep us posted.