[kiki86]

i know i've been asking for a lot more help than i've been giving this week. sorry about that.

had a total meltdown crisis tonight. triggered by having a fight with my other half and just feeling alone and abandoned with T leaving.

the thought that i'll never see him again is "intolerable" as he would say. and that's what i'm asking advice for i suppose. how do i tolerate that thought?

even knowing that he didn't choose to leave and that he was sad about it doesn't make me feel better. i keep hoping that i will run into him someday but i can't pin my hopes on that because there's no guarantee.

i rang the out of hours doctors tonight for help. all they said to me was "try not to think negative thoughts". Gee thanks for that, that would never have occurred to me.

how do i bear this? losing someone who was such a support to me. i really believed that T liked me and I NEVER feel like that. i'm sure he will just forget about me now.

[geez]

(((kiki))) big hugs.

Goodbyes for me are always the hardest to endure and traumatic when there's a strong attachment involved.

Sorry to hear the response you got from the 'out of hours doc' wasn't want you needed. It's difficult when you have a connection with someone and then to try and get that 'feeling' with a replacement is hard.

Do you have another T on your list that you can see?

Try to take in all the good things your T gave you and use those gifts to move forward. Your T would like that I'm sure. Oh and if you can send him an update.

PS - don't apologize for reaching out. We all reach for help at times and we all give back to others when we can.

[CantExplain]

I wouldn't want to lose my T.

Awh Kiki, I hope you are doing ok now. I hate that you are in so much pain....Did T leave you a number you can ring? Or maybe contact him directly and just explain how you are feeling to him.

[kiki86]

hi guys. no i can't contact him. i mean i suppose could, i know which hospital he's gone to work for but i'm not supposed to because he is out of my health board now. besides i know that wouldn't be good for me. it would be like rewarding my crisis if you know what i mean...like saying well it's ok to contact him if i just get bad enough, when really i should be finding alternatives.

i'm feeling a lot better now though... very rapid mood change! i suppose it will come and go like this for a while maybe.

technically i can call my service but i don't know any of the other T's there and i'm not sure what i'd say to them. i'm angry that they didn't line up another T in time for exT leaving; they knew exactly when he would be leaving from the moment he arrived! i feel like they abandoned me when i need help transitioning you know?

but don't worry about me. i will manage. i just have to try and remember that i won't feel bad forever. even when i'm in crisis, it doesn't last. it's hard trying to remember that at the time though...

[pbutton]

T2 and I talked about this tonight. He said it is a loss. It is always hard to have a loss. It's not impossible to work through, but loss is painful. It won't last forever.