[Asiablue]

Looks like my therapy is over. Just back from the worst appointment of my life, where my T said she thinks i need a different type of support... maybe a psychologist. She's willing to keep seeing me until i find one but TBH, WTF is the point? I KNEW she'd eventually bail.... i've been telling her for a year she would some day. And now she has. Devastated doesn't even cover it right now.

[unaluna]

(((asiablue))) sorry to hear this. this is odd. what happened?? what is going on? what was she if not a psychologist?

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Looks like my therapy is over. Just back from the worst appointment of my life, where my T said she thinks i need a different type of support... maybe a psychologist. She's willing to keep seeing me until i find one but TBH, WTF is the point? I KNEW she'd eventually bail.... i've been telling her for a year she would some day. And now she has. Devastated doesn't even cover it right now.

I know you are hurting. I too had a female T that decided she couldn't handle me anymore and I need to find another. Trust me...it will get better. in hind sight, XT was CBT and I needed Psychotherapy.
Best thing to do, is pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back on that bike. I immediately found a new T, after interviewing several, he helped me process the first T ditching me. Maybe you are just out of the realm of her area of expertise... that's what it sounds like she is saying... even though it may not feel that way. It doesn't seem personal, she is looking out for your best interest.

((((((((((((((((((Asia)))))))))))))))))

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by hankster

(((asiablue))) sorry to hear this. this is odd. what happened?? what is going on? what was she if not a psychologist?

She's a counsellor/psychotherapist. I don't really understand why she can't help me any further, i think she's concerned that i need more support and expertise that she is trained for. She's mentioned before about a psychologist but i can't afford one. She has said i can stay with her until i find something else and even after but she just wants to make sure i have the right support. I think she's prob right, i need something more like psychodynamic or something, something more directive maybe. I don't know. But i'm so bonded to her and it just hurts so bad right now. I know she's allowing me to keep going to her but really what's the point if she can't help?

I can't even remember everything that happened in that room, but for the 1st time ever she asked if i wanted to do breathing exercises because i was so anxious. i said no to that. I feel sick. Abandoned. Angry and hurt. I couldn't even say bye as i left, i was just so upset.

[Perna]

If you want to keep seeing her, make it work. Her being concerned that you may need more support or expertise is a caring, helpful comment (especially if you keep telling her she's not enough and is going to leave you). It's not so much whether another person can help or not as whether we are willing to use what help is offered. If you want to work with her, make a decision to quit pushing her away and practice following through on your decisions. I decided not to do "fetal position" either literally or emotionally so I just kept talking, kept trying, kept going through tears, terror, whatever. I was in therapy because what I had been doing wasn't working (not because my therapist could do X, Y, or Z "about" me and my thoughts and behavior).

Decide to quit saying "no"? Doesn't matter how many degrees or what training a therapist has if you won't let them use it.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

She's a counsellor/psychotherapist. I don't really understand why she can't help me any further, i think she's concerned that i need more support and expertise that she is trained for.

My T said that he only takes on one or 2 borderlines at a time, as they are more demanding on his time and emotions, by nature of the beast. Although I am not diagnosed with BPD, I have my moments. My first T didn't even let me have a final session with her, because I think I wore her down too much and she became angry with me. At least your T recognizes the issue and is going to help you through it. Honest, she is just trying to help you...talk with her about it. Its not personal. They are people too and they have many more patients not just you, put your self in her shoes.

[WikidPissah]

((asia)) that must be really painful, so sorry you are going thru this. I do think it is a good thing for a t to recognize when a client needs more help though. I wish my T would say this so that I can transition better.

[roads]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Looks like my therapy is over. Just back from the worst appointment of my life, where my T said she thinks i need a different type of support... maybe a psychologist. She's willing to keep seeing me until i find one but TBH, WTF is the point? I KNEW she'd eventually bail.... i've been telling her for a year she would some day. And now she has. Devastated doesn't even cover it right now.

It's not the same thing, I know ...

Recently my best friend IRL decided that (IDK, not sure here exactly because she "can't talk about it") she didn't want to continue our 20 + yr friendship--no no, no sexual overtones involved, the real thing.

But rejection is rejection. A therapist is also a best friend in so many ways, so I am feeling a kind of real empathy. It hurts so bad ... !!

Roadie

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Perna

If you want to keep seeing her, make it work. Her being concerned that you may need more support or expertise is a caring, helpful comment (especially if you keep telling her she's not enough and is going to leave you). It's not so much whether another person can help or not as whether we are willing to use what help is offered. If you want to work with her, make a decision to quit pushing her away and practice following through on your decisions. I decided not to do "fetal position" either literally or emotionally so I just kept talking, kept trying, kept going through tears, terror, whatever. I was in therapy because what I had been doing wasn't working (not because my therapist could do X, Y, or Z "about" me and my thoughts and behavior).

Decide to quit saying "no"? Doesn't matter how many degrees or what training a therapist has if you won't let them use it.

I don't keep telling her she's not enough, i always tell her all i need is her to keep doing what she's doing. Yes i've worried that she'll leave because that is my experience in life that people can't tolerate me and eventually give up. I thought being honest about that was a good thing. I do follow thru on my decisions, i have NEVER in a year ever missed an appointment or cancelled. I show up on time, i pay on time, i take her advice where i feel i can, it's been 8 weeks since i last self-harmed and i am about to start college next week after dropping out at the beginning of the year. I feel i am pro-active. Also, i don't care what qualifications she has or hasn't, i agree it's the relationship that is most important, it's her who is concerned that she's not meeting my needs, that she's gone as far as she can to help me.

Yes i maybe push her away a little bit when i feel vulnerable but i always end up talking to her about it. But i do a lot of reading in between sessions, i have found my own coping mechanism in regards to the self-harm which i'm finding really hard not to do, but have refrained from it. I worry a lot about being too much for her, emailing too much etc etc but other than that i try my best in therapy.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

My T said that he only takes on one or 2 borderlines at a time, as they are more demanding on his time and emotions, by nature of the beast. Although I am not diagnosed with BPD, I have my moments. My first T didn't even let me have a final session with her, because I think I wore her down too much and she became angry with me. At least your T recognizes the issue and is going to help you through it. Honest, she is just trying to help you...talk with her about it. Its not personal. They are people too and they have many more patients not just you, put your self in her shoes.

Do you think i sound borderline? I'm not diagnosed with it but i have a LOT of the traits. And this is what i'm worried about that i've burned her out.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I do follow thru on my decisions, i have NEVER in a year ever missed an appointment or cancelled. I show up on time, i pay on time, i take her advice where i feel i can, it's been 8 weeks since i last self-harmed and i am about to start college next week after dropping out at the beginning of the year. I feel i am pro-active. Also, i don't care what qualifications she has or hasn't, i agree it's the relationship that is most important, it's her who is concerned that she's not meeting my needs, that she's gone as far as she can to help me.

Then it is her problem to resolve for herself, her concern. Your problem, if you want to continue to work with her, is to explain how she is meeting your needs and how you feel you are doing well working with her. Something gave her the impression she was not meeting your needs; you need to discuss what that something was and "correct" her impression or deliberately take those needs off the table in your work with her. That is the crux of the work, I think, talking together and getting on the same page when there are different impressions of where you are, what you want and what the two of you feel would be best for you.

My T mentioned a couple times maybe I should see someone else who could help me more, she even offered to give me names but I quickly explained that I did not want to ever work with anyone other than her. Whatever the issue was that she was commenting on (I don't remember now what it was), something I was complaining about that she did not feel she had enough expertise to help with, I adjusted my work so it was off the table when working with that T, right then.

It is our life. We hold all the control of ourselves that is possible. If you are going too "deep" for your therapist and she "complains" then you adjust so you do not go that deep. It's not like we only have one problem, one defense, one tendency, one type of difficulty dealing with ourselves or others. When I get frustrated working on X, I drop it and bring up Y and start working on it. If Y has a stone wall pop up, I drop it and start on Z. Wherever we decide to work, it helps the whole. For me it's like a jigsaw puzzle; I do the best I can getting the edges set up then work in this corner, then over in that corner, then an unrelated middle piece; the work continues and eventually there are fewer and fewer pieces and the leftover edges I could not find at first pop out at me and I can put them in place, completing the frame, then a piece becomes available connecting the unrelated middle piece to the frame and the corners grow, etc.

If you want to work with this T, find pieces you can work on with her. If she does not feel she can help you; ask her how you can help her help you! Ask her what she "sees" for you, what some of her difficulties are with you, if there are any fairly straightforward things the two of you can decide on that might help (my T and I decided I would no longer be allowed to say "I don't know" for example). I found deliberately working on something agreed upon together is a great way to make progress.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Perna

Then it is her problem to resolve for herself, her concern. Your problem, if you want to continue to work with her, is to explain how she is meeting your needs and how you feel you are doing well working with her. Something gave her the impression she was not meeting your needs; you need to discuss what that something was and "correct" her impression or deliberately take those needs off the table in your work with her. That is the crux of the work, I think, talking together and getting on the same page when there are different impressions of where you are, what you want and what the two of you feel would be best for you.

My T mentioned a couple times maybe I should see someone else who could help me more, she even offered to give me names but I quickly explained that I did not want to ever work with anyone other than her. Whatever the issue was that she was commenting on (I don't remember now what it was), something I was complaining about that she did not feel she had enough expertise to help with, I adjusted my work so it was off the table when working with that T, right then.

It is our life. We hold all the control of ourselves that is possible. If you are going too "deep" for your therapist and she "complains" then you adjust so you do not go that deep. It's not like we only have one problem, one defense, one tendency, one type of difficulty dealing with ourselves or others. When I get frustrated working on X, I drop it and bring up Y and start working on it. If Y has a stone wall pop up, I drop it and start on Z. Wherever we decide to work, it helps the whole. For me it's like a jigsaw puzzle; I do the best I can getting the edges set up then work in this corner, then over in that corner, then an unrelated middle piece; the work continues and eventually there are fewer and fewer pieces and the leftover edges I could not find at first pop out at me and I can put them in place, completing the frame, then a piece becomes available connecting the unrelated middle piece to the frame and the corners grow, etc.

If you want to work with this T, find pieces you can work on with her. If she does not feel she can help you; ask her how you can help her help you! Ask her what she "sees" for you, what some of her difficulties are with you, if there are any fairly straightforward things the two of you can decide on that might help (my T and I decided I would no longer be allowed to say "I don't know" for example). I found deliberately working on something agreed upon together is a great way to make progress.

Thanks. some very good advice there Perna. Maybe some more talking needs to be done. I wonder if we are expecting different things and thinking wrongly about each others expectations. I just went in to panic/closedown mode and tbh i don't even know all of what happened and i'm not clear on what exactly she was saying to me. Think i'll take a few days to think and take stock.

[unaluna]

and suggestions from perna. I was in the same position with my first long-term t - I see better now how I contributed to the problem - I was just lost, but I could not leave her. the emotionally absent mother material might give you some structure?

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by hankster

and suggestions from perna. I was in the same position with my first long-term t - I see better now how I contributed to the problem - I was just lost, but I could not leave her. the emotionally absent mother material might give you some structure?

Thanks, yeah i did the 1st exercise Chopin posted just yesterday. I was going to show my T it today but that was before the S H * T hit the fan!

What do you mean it'll give me some structure? in therapy or by doing it myself?

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Do you think i sound borderline? I'm not diagnosed with it but i have a LOT of the traits. And this is what i'm worried about that i've burned her out.

No, I wasn't saying that at all. You don't have to be diagnosed to exhibit traits. But emails and visits and SI etc etc...sounds like me when I was younger that's all.

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Do you think i sound borderline? I'm not diagnosed with it but i have a LOT of the traits. And this is what i'm worried about that i've burned her out.

I empathise.. I feel I could be facing a similar situation.. and worry about being too much for my T, too. I relate to a lot of what you've written on this thread. Hope you can figure something out that works for you both..

[KazzaX]

Your T told you you need a psychologist???

Where I live you cannot BE a T if you aren't a psychologist. Is your T unlicenced or something?? Why would she get you to see a psychologist if she is one herself?? Confusing!

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Your T told you you need a psychologist???

Where I live you cannot BE a T if you aren't a psychologist. Is your T unlicenced or something?? Why would she get you to see a psychologist if she is one herself?? Confusing!

There are many different degrees that will allow you to be a therapist. Being a PhD is only one route.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

What do you mean it'll give me some structure? in therapy or by doing it myself?

I meant with her. if you both decide to try to work together as Perna described? I just find the book very helpful in making what seems very vague in therapy, more organized and concrete. otherwise like I say, I just get l0st and start going around in circles. maybe that's where your T is.
ETA: cos - didn't we (you & i) used to talk more last year? that's why i'm so surprised this is happening, that this is not working out. or am I confusing your name w someone else similar?

[Nightlight]

My therapist is also a psychotherapist (with a lot of experience) but not a psychologist. I've been told by her on a number of occasions that she thought I might be better seeing a psychologist. To be honest, nobody could have helped me better than she has. She's been brilliant every step of the way. Though she's never gone as far as saying she couldn't help me anymore, and would only support me until I found someone else (thank goodness because that would be devastating to me too). There have been times when she's said "I don't know what to do from here"...I have been a challenge! I've always been clear about how much I want her help, and even though she's made those suggestions, she's stuck it out with me so far.

It sounds like you need to talk to your therapist more about this and have a really open discussion about why she thinks you should see someone else, and you in turn need to tell her all of the reasons you don't want this...so you can work out what really is best for you. I am sorry! i really can imagine how hard the situation must be for you. I know exactly how hard it would be to have my therapist disappear from my life, even if someone else took over (even if they were equally good, or better in different ways).

[Butterflies Are Free]

My thoughts are with you...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

She's a counsellor/psychotherapist. I don't really understand why she can't help me any further, i think she's concerned that i need more support and expertise that she is trained for. She's mentioned before about a psychologist but i can't afford one. She has said i can stay with her until i find something else and even after but she just wants to make sure i have the right support. I think she's prob right, i need something more like psychodynamic or something, something more directive maybe. I don't know.

If you will be leaving her (it sounds like maybe there is a chance you won't?), can you get more information from her on what she thinks would help you in therapy? She said maybe a psychologist, but can she say what a PhD practitioner could provide you that you need and that she can't? This will really help you in your search for another therapist, if it turns out you need to do that. Also, there are plenty of non-psychologist therapists that can provide psychodynamic therapy or who can be directive in therapy, so it seems that would not be why she thinks you may need a psychologist. Maybe it is a specific area, like trauma work, and she is not trained in that? Or you have a particular diagnosis, e.g. DID, OCD, ADHD, etc., that she has little experience with. It would be good to know why she says what she did! Also, many psychodynamic therapists are not at all directive, so these two things might be hard to find in the same person. What kind of therapy do you do with your counselor/psychotherapist? Do you feel a disconnect with what she has said, i.e. you feel she is helping you but she feels she cannot? Can you talk about this with her? I'm sorry you're having this upheaval right now. I hope you can get clarity with your T and maybe work it out, if she thinks she can help, or have a meaningful ending if it comes to that.

[Asiablue]

Thanks for the replies. Just to update... We have spoken and it seems she is still willing to work with me if i want to. TBH i really don't know what happened yesterday, i feel like i don't remember much and i think we were on different pages. It was sooo weird and horrible. I'm still not clear on a lot of things but we are meeting next week to discuss what happened and i think to clarify our point of views and our expectations of therapy and how it can help me, how we can move forward.

Yesterday was a huge shock for me but it's given me a little bit of clarity now about how to move forward. Still not sure why i need a psychologist tho?

[marphtwo]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Thanks for the replies. Just to update... We have spoken and it seems she is still willing to work with me if i want to. TBH i really don't know what happened yesterday, i feel like i don't remember much and i think we were on different pages. It was sooo weird and horrible. I'm still not clear on a lot of things but we are meeting next week to discuss what happened and i think to clarify our point of views and our expectations of therapy and how it can help me, how we can move forward.

Yesterday was a huge shock for me but it's given me a little bit of clarity now about how to move forward. Still not sure why i need a psychologist tho?

I had a similar situation, but I know now what I need. For a while I tried LPC's, LMFT's, and Phd's, but it wasnt until I found my LCSW that I got happy. Now that I am reading their methods, it makes sense. I really connect with relational theory in psychotherapy. I dont really do well with CBT.