[retro_chic]

Ugh. Today's session was a struggle. I had booked in the extra session because I had been stressing out and had been having a lot negative thoughts and felt as though I really needed T. Well, as soon as I walked in the door I totally freaked out and didn't want to talk and didn't want to be there. I had to read out the email I sent her which was super uncomfortable. Particularly the paragraph where I was talking about how I can't take it anymore and I don't know what to do. I could literally feel my face turning red with embarrassment as I was reading it. I also discussed with T how I feel as though I am not making an progress. She said it is up to me if I want to change. I said I'm trying as hard as I can but it just isn't enough. T then said that you can always try harder. I feel like a failure and like I am wasting her time

She also suggested group therapy or even some kind of inpatient treatment for a few days. The idea of the scares me a lot. I think group therapy could be helpful but it still sounds terrifying.

((((Retro))))

[Crescent Moon]

That sounds so tough, Retro. Now is when you really need the therapeutic relationship to "hold" you. My first therapist didn't know how to do that, and the whole thing crashed & burned. Imploded. But my 2nd therapist knew how to do that. It was the most amazing experience - to be in so much anguish over indescribable inner conflict... and to leave that session feeling wrapped up in a warm and tender blanket. She eventually explained it to me. And I experienced it over and over again. The relationship held my fractured pieces together.. until I was constitutionally strong enough to integrate those pieces and hold them together myself. And all of that took place without her ever touching me.

I wish that for you, Retro.. because that's what it sounds like you need.

[retro_chic]

Thanks for the support everyone, I really appreciate it.

I think T is disappointed in me and I'm worried she doesn't like me I could hardly talk today... I don't know what happened. I was really tired because I had hardly slept the night before so maybe that had something to do with it.

I'm really freaking out about the idea of some sort of inpatient treatment. It sounds terrifying

[Dreamy01]

Sorry to hear you had a bad session I hope you can be gentle with yourself before the next one. Being vulnerable in front of t is sometimes so painful.

[Wren_]

I think sometimes what comes across as disappointment with us can be the T's own frustration with themselves for not knowing how best to help their clients. They can get caught up in that powerless feeling and look to find answers outside of themselves ie. The client. Please go gently with you. Has she said much about where you could go or is that vague for now with group and inpatient?

[retro_chic]

I actually asked her if she was frustrated with my lack of progress and T said she wasn't frustrated but disappointed which in my opinion is much worse. We didn't discuss specifics in regards to group/inpatient. When she suggested it I was just like so she just told me to have a think about it. Ugh. I just hate this whole situation so much!

[unaluna]

I don't like her answer of 'you can try harder'. she sounds like a cranky bad teacher, you know? why doesn't she suggest a different direction or point of view or something? I don't know how long you have been with her, but group therapy, if it is more supportive than confrontational, might be good. I would look into it.

[KazzaX]

Uhg I hate it when they say "well just try harder". Like it is that simple. And it insinuates that you haven't been trying hard enough. But it sounds to me like you have been trying damn hard.

I just read where you said she said she was disappointed. Ouch!!! I would have gone off my head right then if it were me (but then again I have no self control, lol). She sounds like she is trying to be your critical parent or something - you know those people who tell you to "hit yourself with a stick - it'll toughen you up a bit" type thing.

[Crescent Moon]

Originally Posted by hankster

I don't like her answer of 'you can try harder'. she sounds like a cranky bad teacher, you know? why doesn't she suggest a different direction or point of view or something?

I gotta agree with Hankster on this one. I didn't like it either. Can't imagine my therapist saying something like that. Therapeutic progress isn't something that has a timeline. It's not like getting the weeds pulled - where you can just see them and pull them, and can reasonably "try harder" to speed it up. Therapy is so complex, and progress depends on so many elusive things.. including feeling like your therapist is in your corner.

My therapist also initially seemed to think I should get farther sooner. She tried to push. I dug in my heels. When I finally talked to her about it, I explained to her that I felt I *had* made progress, and that it was taking place within the therapeutic relationship. I reminded her that she'd told me in the beginning that she takes the client's lead. I told her that I didn't know why I couldn't make the jump she wanted so badly for me to make, but that I'd never get there if she kept pushing me... that when enough healing took place, I thought I'd probably get to the next spot on my own without having to be pushed. It was one of those incredible moments in therapy. She heard me. She *saw* what I was saying. She agreed that my instincts about it were important. She recognized that her pushing me was not helpful. She thanked me for letting her know.

So.. I think you ought to talk to her, and plainly tell her how her words came across to you.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

I'm really freaking out about the idea of some sort of inpatient treatment. It sounds terrifying

Then don't think about that one; she suggested two options you might want to consider and you sort of liked the idea of a group? Why not explore that one; exploring does not mean you have to join one; nothing happens all at once, there's a process and steps. Even inpatient treatment, it's not like being thrown into a pool when you can't swim. There's structure everywhere, look for structures you can use to hold on to (side of the pool), comfort yourself with or use as landmarks and move toward.

You asked for an extra session and got it, way to go! You learned about a couple other possibilities to help you in addition to T; not really fair to decide your T does not like you or is angry with you, etc. when she arranged to see you in an extra session? She has to want to work with you or she would not have done that. Take her words as suggestions of ways you can help yourself rather than as how she feels about you.

[retro_chic]

Originally Posted by KazzaX

Uhg I hate it when they say "well just try harder". Like it is that simple. And it insinuates that you haven't been trying hard enough. But it sounds to me like you have been trying damn hard.

I just read where you said she said she was disappointed. Ouch!!! I would have gone off my head right then if it were me (but then again I have no self control, lol). She sounds like she is trying to be your critical parent or something - you know those people who tell you to "hit yourself with a stick - it'll toughen you up a bit" type thing.

I have been reflecting some more on the session and I honestly can't remember if she said she was "dissapointedin me" or "dissapointed for me". Both mean quite different things. She may have even just said that she was "disappointed" which could mean either (or both).

I think T was just trying to encourage me by saying that I still have more in me and I that I really can do this. She never actually said "Retro, you need to just try harder" but that was my interpretation of the situation. I realise that says more about me and my insecurities than it does about T.