Do you thank your T?

I say "thanks" at the end of every session, I think. But it is more of an automatic thing than genuine thankfullness. I am way too self-centered to worry about that right now I do plan on doing something nice for my T when the right time comes.

On a complete sidenote: Stopdog, I've been thinking, and I wonder if your thinking process is very different than most. There has been research showing that abuse/trauma (I know you hate those words, but i will stand by in my belief that is what you went through) changes how the brain grows-stunts certain nerve pathways or something. Clearly I am not very knowledgable on it, but my T has explained it a little to me.

i do understand what you are saying stopdog. It probably is not a client's 'place' and i doubt my therapist is seeking gratitude from me. but if someone is kind to me, or does something to help or support me, i'm gonna say thank you. it does not matter if it's someone's job or someone just being themselves. i don't see appreciation as taking care of her. If anything, it's more taking care of me and having the good feeling of appreciation. and If I'm having that good feeling, why not share it?

but that's just me.

I haven't thanked my therapist after every session, but any time I have gotten something out of it, I always tell her about it - often by text or email - and I thank her. And while it's not every single session, it's often enough that I think my therapist feels well appreciated . It's kind of funny - but some of the most pivotal moments in therapy for me have taken place without specific intent on her part. In other words, something she says, or a look on her face, or a reaction she has to me or my pain, is natural and not planned on her part.. so she's unaware at the time of the impact of what happened. That's what makes it magical for me. With all of her education and training in place, she is being who she is in that room.. and through our interaction, through the relationship, I experience these moments of great healing, or great catharsis. The majority of the time, she has no idea, until I write her about it later.

I am not sure I agree it is what most people do, particularly in business relationships. But at least a part of the description above strikes me as condescending. (not at me, but as a concept. I realize the people posting here do not mean it that way, and that others may not receive it that way-but I do. And I try not to be condescending to others). I have no idea if the therapist does good work or not, but even if she did, it is not my place to comment on it. I assume we both accept she is not especially inadequate or unusually incompetent. I do thank people I am not paying for helping me, I do not usually thank people for working with me if it is their job to do so, and I would possibly thank a friend for being there for me (but I would find this one iffy as that is what friends do and I would feel insulted to be thanked for being there for someone -like it was somehow unusual and they were thanking me for doing the what I believe is usual).

And me, RainbowRose. It's not that I think my therapist *needs* me to tell her when she's done something helpful to me...it's more that I need to share it with her.. it's like it memorializes something significant to me.. after all I am the one seeking healing. My therapist has never acted as if she expects me to express appreciation.. but it does feel real good to me to put it out on the table... honoring whatever it was that happened that worked so well for me.

Other than that, I really am a firm believer that there is too little affirmation in the world. I think if people were more free with affirmation, there would be fewer societal ills.

maybe I really am sort of different.
I think there is way too much free affirmation. It is like a constant deluge. I feel like it is nearly impossible to get away from the incessent showering of praise for even the most minimal of situations. It never crossed my mind there might be too little of it. I am not criticizing CM, I am just really surprised at perhaps how different I may be on this sort of thing.

I'm wondering, Stopdog, if the feeling of gratefulness springs from the intimacy that develops? I can pay my therapist for her time, for her to be there, for her to *do* therapy with me. But there is no way to *buy* her caring for me. When things happen in therapy that leave me feeling cared for, leave me feeling "held" by the relationship, leave me feeling understood, accepted, like she really *gets* me.. that's not something that can be bought and paid for. It develops over time.. and it requires a willingness to open the windows of the heart on both the client's and therapist's part. There have been times I've been a stinker, and that never dissuaded her steady care. And then there are all the times she's been available outside of session for me - where she has not been compensated for her time. There have been a few times when I've been especially despondent, that she has tracked me down, hoping that if I at least heard her voice, I would be able to hang in there. She's never been paid for that stuff.

Your reference to your therapist as "the woman" is revealing. There seems to be an absence of emotional intimacy. And that very well could be your preferred relational way of being. The difference in intimacy also might explain why so many of the others here find it easy to feel grateful for their therapeutic relationship, which at this point appears to be mysterious to you?

Just a thought...

Stopdog, maybe you're just on one end of the continuum? It might just be the way you hold information in your mind. From your descriptions, I'm understanding that your dismay is rooted in it seeming unnecessary to be grateful for someone stepping up to the plate to take care of their responsibilities. What you might be missing, is that what provokes the gratitude that mystifies you is the relationship. We appreciate the person. I appreciate my therapist. I am compelled to share that appreciation with her. Not because she asks for it. It's because it feels good to me to express my appreciation for the relationship itself... for the other person that makes the relationship what it is. It's not a black and white or mechanical thing. It's nebulous.. it ebbs and flows.. it's a feeling kind of thing. That's the best I can do in trying to explain it - but I don't think you should be bothered by it being different for you. There could be a ton of different reasons that would explain it. And the bottom line is that like it or not, you are valued here, and there are plenty of people here who appreciate what you bring to the table.

Perhaps. but I don't feel particularly grateful to those with whom I am legitimately intimate nor do I want them to be grateful to me. I am serious when I say it feels condescending (and something else I have not quite narrowed down to be able to describe) to me both to have it expressed to me and I am not certain how it would not be condescending were I to say such a thing to a therapist. There is no way the therapist could thank me and it not be condescending.
I thought calling her the woman was less distant than calling her that therapist.
And what I see others describing as the part that is not paid for is what I do think some of therapy is supposed to do - so it is their job and it is what the client pays for - in my opinion.
Again - I am not trying to talk anyone out of it - but I am the unthankful the OP mentioned.

I appreciate the explanation and the sentiment. (since I am not paying you, I can express this sentiment in what I hope is not excessive and over the top wording)

When we got to the part in this thread where you were looking for those that don't thank their t's, I was ready to move permanently under the bed. For me its not that I don't appreciate whatever she's done, but by the time I'm half way through "bye" I've also bolted half way down the stairs. And I've also usually used up my word quota and would really just like too be hiding in my car driving away as soon as the stand up move towards door begins.

Maybe that will be a goal, I kinda feel guilty for just assuming that my return means I'm thankful

My therapist hasn't 'thanked me for doing therapy.' However, with tears in her eyes, on more than one occasion she has thanked me for trusting her with my pain, with my innermost vulnerabilities, my brokenness. She says it is a priceless gift. And she really does treat it like that. It's the relationship, Stopdog.. it's the relationship. The trust, the intimacy. It's the joy of life.

Or you could join me on the dark side.

pbutton, maybe that's a transference thing? Gratitude really isn't needy, dependent, subservient, and certainly does not speak to being "less than." I used to have REAL intimacy issues. I could not, *would not* do any of that attachment mumbo-jumbo. Gave me the creeps just to hear my therapist talking about it. When I had my heels dug in, squarely determined to NOT fall into that useless trap, I had all kinds of ways of perceiving emotional intimacy, attachment, etc. that was a product of my emotionally unavailable parents. Quite a few years down the road, it turns out that my therapist was able to work some kind of magic that enabled me to attach to her and find out how intimate relationships really do work. I'll forever be grateful (sorry Stopdog!)

Sorry Stopdog.. I really don't mean to be excessive and I don't mean to use 'over the top wording,' It's probably clear to anyone who reads my missives that I do love words. When I post here, I almost never edit before posting. What you read, is what came out as I typed it. You may just have to overlook it, but please know that there is nothing about it on my part that is contrived. It's just me. Just like you are you. And I obviously enjoy interacting with you.

You are a hoot!

I always say thanks as I'm leaving. I don't say it just to be polite, I say it because I am so thankful for the help and support, and I really, really mean it. I sure hope my therapist knows just how thankful I am. Sometimes if it's been tough, or if I've finally reached something I was aiming for, I'll say "thanks for all your patience" or "thanks for sticking with me".

Nobody else truly stuck it out with me or gave me the help or support I always needed. As my therapist has helped me change my life around, I'm pretty comfortable being thankful and telling her that I am.

I wasn't asking as a right or wrong type thing; just curious from my own experience and what I read

I always thank my T's (all 3 of them) can't imagine not doing it. It would feel really rude to me, not to.

splitimage

That's how I felt for the first couple of years. Then something changed and I started to mean it. But I was always in TOTAL denial about being needy, so that interpretation never occurred to me - ignorance is bliss!

I wrote my old T a really long letter for our closing session telling her thank you for each and every way she has helped me and helped me relate to others and take care of myself emotionally. I do not care if it was her job or not, what she did for me money cannot buy, her service was life changing and I will be forever grateful and if that makes me needy or pathetic, so be it. I don't think there is anything worng with acknowlodging a good job done: whether you are paid or not paid to me it doesn't matter it is the care and time you put into it. She is passionate about her job and cares and that is more than can be said for other proffessions, sure she gets paid well but you could just take the money and not care if you help people.

even my call to say I quit due to I did not see how monthly appointments would help me when Bi-weekly appointments were not helping, I thanked my ex-T for her trying to help me--- A little sincere and little angry at the time, but still none the less a thank you for your time and trying to help- you wont have to bother with me any more.

while in therapy with her, most of the times I did thank her for seeing me- not every day but when I had thanked her she'd say no problem or that is what she is there for.

I don't remember her ever thanking me for coming in though- though maybe in a way of- It was nice to see you today- which I think was just a nice thing to say right?

I think it may be a personality thing with thanking someone else for them trying to help one out ... maybe? like a to each their own....

I am glad that so many have such good stories with their T's-- does give a little hope

I was not criticizing you. I was making fun of me with the parenthetical.

My T has done this, too (although I don't recall seeing any tears in his eyes!). He says he feels honored by the trust I place in him and he's thanked me for sharing really difficult things with him. He understands and appreciates that it's not something I do lightly.

I am still triggered by the neediness thing, so I'm setting that aside for a bit.

My T thanked me for sharing FIVE times after I told him something fairly personal. I mostly thought it was interesting & was thinking "dude, I have WAYYY weirder stuff to share."