[Screenager]

Every once in a while I'll get curious about some aspect of T's life, for example I've been wondering if her degree in psychology enables her to "analyse" people in every day situations, or silly stuff like that. And today she mentioned that she lives alone, even though I know she has a boyfriend of several years, so I became really curious and was tempted to ask why they don't live together.
But can I actually ask her something like that...? The "analysing people" thing might be okay, but is the other question too personal?

Have you ever asked your T questions like that, just out of curiosity about their life?
I mean, they know and ask so much about us... and my T tends to self-disclose a lot anyway...

[stopdog]

I have been told that I can ask anything (I have no idea how it came up as I am extremely uninterested in the therapist's life). I have read a couple of books by therapists where the authors actually got little put out when clients were not interested in them. Whether they answer is a whole other ball of wax.

[pbutton]

I have also been told that I can ask anything. (I ask NOTHING, but that's beside the point.) T1 told me it was his job to tell me when I was asking something that was too personal.

You can ask whatever you wish, but the therapist may reserve the right not to answer if they feel the question is too personal or inappropriate.

[bamapsych]

farmergirl is spot on. I tell T that I'm worried about saying or asking something that's too personal. She told me I can ask anything that comes to mind, but it's her decision whether or not to answer it. I would not expect her to answer the boyfriend question unless it directly relates to something you're talking about. On the other hand, she probably would answer the on about analyzing people outside of the office. I'm a psychology student and know of many others, and yes I (we) do tend to analyze others not inside the therapy office. It drives my friends and family crazy lol

Ditto...to all above She will tell you if its too personal, or even worse she may ask why you wanna know.

[Miswimmy1]

It is up to the therapist. The contemporary view on therapy is to make the client feel as comfortable as possible to make it as easy as it can to share about their issues. But in general, therapists are trained to not share a lot about their personal lives. They are there to listen and to give advice, so that is what they do.

I hav asked my t anything, including why she went into psychology, and things like that (but I hav ADHD so things also just slip out haha). Think about what u say b4 u say it, and don't be hurt if they don't answer u- they aren't trying to be mean... And most therapist know how to gracefully tell when someone or something is out of the boundaries.

Best of luck!

[stopdog]

Frankly I don't answer every question they ask me either.

[anilam]

Yep, I can ask anything too- doesn't mean I always get the answer though.

[Perna]

I would just cut to the chase, say, "I'm curious about you and your life, I wonder why" as they let you ask but then reflect most stuff back to you or may/may not tell you because it is/isn't germane to your therapy.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Screenager

Every once in a while I'll get curious about some aspect of T's life, for example I've been wondering if her degree in psychology enables her to "analyse" people in every day situations, or silly stuff like that. And today she mentioned that she lives alone, even though I know she has a boyfriend of several years, so I became really curious and was tempted to ask why they don't live together.
But can I actually ask her something like that...? The "analysing people" thing might be okay, but is the other question too personal?

Have you ever asked your T questions like that, just out of curiosity about their life?
I mean, they know and ask so much about us... and my T tends to self-disclose a lot anyway...

there are no limits on question asking in my therapy sessions, that said my therapists answers are always in the context of how that answer relates to me...

Me - are you a lesbian?
Therapist no Im not, Are you?
Me yes
Therapist - how does that make you feel?
Me - that you're not or I am?
Therapist - both or you choose?
me - do you have any moral judgement on lesbians?
Therapist - no, you didnt answer my question, how does knowing Im straight, with out any judgments for or against lesbianism, and you are a lesbian affect you, what are you feelings on this?
Me- lol I asked purely because I was curious not because I have have a problem with it, I like it that you dont have any moral judgments on lesbianism , makes me feel safer, in general theres enough prejudices out there over lesbianism, just the other day I watched as a group of children called someone a fag just because she was holding her friends hand. I lived in such a small town that I didnt have to deal with any of that until I moved to a city, I learned very quickly not to be so open about my sexuality.

Therapist - how did seeing the girls bullied over a preconceived notion that they were lesbians for holding hands make you feel.
me- I didnt like it, I went over to the parent that was nearby and told them what I had heard and asked if I could show the children using ring around a rosy to prove a point. the parent was apalled that her child had been part of putting anothers sexuality down and said yes. the parent and I went over to the children and got a game of ring around a rosy going vamping it up for the age of the children by adding speed and attitude, then while we were all holding hands I said... hey look at all of us girls holding hands, what does that say about us? someone yelled "that we're fags" and I said "nope it says we are having lots of fun just being ourselves, everyone is different and being different is ok. then as the girls got to talking about their differences and the conversation going other ways the mom and I bowed out of their way again. the mom and I talked for a bit then I went back to my lawn chair and book. It felt good to do that with them and i was happy that they all got the point and the mom was so open to showing her daughter being a lesbian is ok.

thats how my therapist and I deal with any personal questions I ask of her. shes ok with me asking anything and I know the answers are going to relate to me and my issues.

[scorpiosis37]

Yes, it's alright to ask. It's then up to the T whether or not she chooses to answer. With my T, if I ask her a personal question that is related to the topic at hand, she'll pretty much always answer. For instance, after discussing what characteristics I'm attracted to physically in another person, I asked her: "Well, what about you?" She answered the question. I also asked her once who her celebrity crush would be (after telling her mine) and, since she didn't know off-hand, she came back the next week with a couple of names. My T's philosophy is that it really depends which client is asking her the personal question, why, and how it relates to what they're working on in therapy.

You can ask anything. T will tell you if you are crossing a boundary with a specific question.

[crazylife]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have been told that I can ask anything (I have no idea how it came up as I am extremely uninterested in the therapist's life). I have read a couple of books by therapists where the authors actually got little put out when clients were not interested in them. Whether they answer is a whole other ball of wax.

Ooooh what books did you read? i'm looking for a good book about therapy and all that just read a great one and looking for another.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by TryinToGetBy

You can ask anything. T will tell you if you are crossing a boundary with a specific question.

I wish that were true. it is possible to get "slapped" by a therapist for asking, and never be told what arbitrary 'boundary' you supposedly crossed, or what the problem was.

which makes it nearly impossible to fix,

or avoid in future,

which does unfortunately lead to the T's questions not always being answered either....

and a host of other sad events.

too bad all around, I think. If it's true that therapy lessons are to be rippled out ,by client, into RL relationships.

Not every question deserves an answer, but every question deserves acknowledgment, and if an answer is not appropriate, a respectful indication of that (and why inappropriate, dare I say it!) is warranted.

in my lowly opinion.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by crazylife

Ooooh what books did you read? i'm looking for a good book about therapy and all that just read a great one and looking for another.

I have not found any I thought were great, but some of the ones I have read are:

Termination in Psychotherapy - Joyce, Piper, Klein
Positive Endings in Psychotherapy- Steven Kramer
Terminating Therapy- Davis
Good enough Endings – Salberg
Endings in Clinical Practice -Walsh
Psychoanalytic Diagnosis - McWilliams
Being a Brainwise Therapist - Badenoch
Ariadne’s Thread -Cowan
Psychodynamic Psychotherapy - Ursono
Trauma – Herman
The Talking Cure - Vaughan
How Psychotherapy Really Works - Gaylin
Psychodynamic Techniques – Maroda
Psychodynamic Therapy – Summers and Barber
Attachment in Psychotherapy-Wallin
Trauma and the Avoidant Client – Wallin
Will I Ever Be Good Enough – McBride
Affect Intolerance in Patient and Analyst - Coen
Modes of Therapeutic Action – M. Stark
The Gift of Therapy – Yalom
Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship – Kahn
The Trauma Myth: The Truth About the Sexual Abuse of Children--and its Aftermath -Susan A. Clancy
In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists- Lott
Drama of the Gifted Child – Miller
For Your Own Good – Miller
Shame and Guilt – Tangney
Shame in the Therapy Hour – Dearing and Tangney
Psychology of Shame – Kaufman

[livie15]

My T has told me that if she isn't comfortable with a question, she will just tell me that she isn't comfortable. Same goes for me.
But, then again, I'm extremely careful asking her questions. Being told "no" often causes me a lot of embarrassment, for some reason.

Personally, I wouldn't ask my T something like that. Then again, she would ask me something like that... It's your call. The worst she can sa is no, right?

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by livie15

The worst she can say is no, right?

nope.

I never really thought to ask my Ts any questions until T2 ... and then he ignored my question, and answered me with a question. Jack***

[stopdog]

Perhaps just asking the therapist what types of questions she considers appropriate versus inappropriate could be a place to start. You could then even say the subject area you were interested in to get a feel before diving into specific questions.
I have refused to answer questions about my income for example - as being unnecessary to why I go see her and since I pay in cash weekly, no valid concern over whether she would get paid, I never balked at the fee she charges and so when she asked what I got for doing a certain type of work I do, I responded by asking why that was therapeutic for me? She said she was just curious - which did not convince me it was reasonable for me to answer. I am not there to satisfy her prurient interest.

[pbutton]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

nope.

I am trying to figure out what happened. Did you trigger your T somehow?

[critterlady]

The only questions I ask T are to clarify something he's said or to get his thoughts on something I've said. I suppose I could ask him anything, but a) hitting a boundary isn't something I want to do (ok, they terrify me) and b) I'm remarkably uncurious about him.

I figure the biographical stuff isn't particularly useful to me, although I do sometimes wonder if he survived CSA like I did. The important stuff I already know - how he typically reacts to things I've said, his utter lack of judgement of me, his disdain for the people who hurt me, his sense of humor.

[nicoleflynn]

I know a lot about my t.

[WikidPissah]

I have never asked a personal question, but that did not stop him from giving me way too much info.

I don't think her relationship is any of your business, but you should tell her your curious about it.

[autotelica]

My therapist talks so much about herself that I don't have this problem!

I've never thought of the "limit". I ask her a ton of questions, some more personal than others. But nothing she hasn't already brought up herself. If she's talking about how ungrateful her son is, I feel that gives me license to ask her why he's like that. If she's going to tell me that eye contact is important except when you're having sex--since her husband doesn't make eye contact with her --then I feel that gives me license to ask why she likes sex or at what age did she start having sex. I will not intentionally go over the professional boundary. But my opinion is if she's gonna walk on the line, I will too as long as I can learn something useful in the process.