[BronzeOceans]

Hi everybody! I'm new here; I've been lurking on these forums a lot lately and I decided it was time I registered and posted

I'm posting this here not only as a kind of introduction to myself and my situation, but also to see if I could get some advice on it as well. Two birds with one stone, and all that. Anyway...

I have a female therapist whom I’ve been seeing for about 6 months. I first started going to her because of longstanding issues I've had with depression, family and life problems, troubled romantic relationships, and so forth. I've been to a number of other therapists in the past, starting when I was very young, after the death of a sibling. My previous experiences in therapy have met with varying degrees of success (I’ve also been treated occasionally by a psychiatrist with things like Wellbutrin and Paxil, although I haven’t been on medication in years) but this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me. In a nutshell, I'm trying to decide for myself whether or not this is a case of my therapist crossing certain boundaries, and if so, why she might be doing it. To tell the truth, I’m trying to figure out if it's all in my head, or not.

This is going to be really, really long… so I apologize to everyone in advance

It started with our first session. The first time we met, we basically talked about why I was there, the reasons I was seeking therapy, a bit about my background, and so forth. I took a liking to her instantly; she was very warm, friendly, and easy to talk to – which had not always been the case with my previous therapists (I’d been to a number of them before, both male and female, but I didn’t always last with any of them, either because the chemistry wasn’t really there or because I didn’t feel as though it was helping, even after multiple sessions). But from the first meeting, my new therapist and I had an instant rapport. We ‘clicked.’ I’m male, in my early 40s; she’s about 9 years younger. I have an extensive background in the performing arts - I’ve studied music, literature and acting, and performed & directed in theater as well recording and singing with a rock band - although I presently work full time in the finance sector. I’m not married, and I don’t have kids. I have been through a series of bad relationships over the past six or seven years as well as some stressful life events which caused me to actively seek out counseling. I’m not suffering from debilitating depression or a severe personality disorder or substance abuse problems or anything, but I do have my moments and I do have my issues and there is a lot of unresolved baggage from my past that I am trying to work through.

When I first met with her, we were in session for close to 90 minutes, just discussing the reasons and rationale for my being there, along with some of the salient points about myself. We then scheduled our first regular session for the following week. When I sat down in her office that next evening, the first thing she told me was that she had looked up my band on the internet. I was a bit surprised by this, but at the time I think I chalked it up to her either wanting to confirm that I was telling her the truth about myself, or she was just trying to get to know me better. But it seemed a little odd; it wasn’t something I had ever experienced before with any of my other therapists. Nevertheless, I later forgot about it.

Our sessions continued. We juggled the scheduling around for a little bit until finally settling on Monday evenings. The thing is, as the weeks went by, our sessions began to go over time. Regularly. And I’m not talking just a few minutes here and there; I mean way, way over time. Now, for me personally, it wasn’t a problem – I generally didn’t (and still don’t) have anything scheduled afterwards on the nights I see her. But it did seem curious to me. The thing is, I didn’t really even notice it happening at first; she and I would get completely lost in talking and it wasn’t until either she or I glanced at the clock that I would realize we had been in session for an hour and a half, an hour and forty-five minutes…or even longer. This, on a Monday night. Eventually it reached the point where our sessions were (and still are) averaging over two hours at a time... Sometimes as long as two hours and fifteen minutes – getting into session at 7:30 – 7:45 and getting out at 10 pm or later. Now, I don’t know a whole lot about how the rules for counselors work regarding this sort of thing (she is a LCSW with a MA) but I’m pretty sure that 2 hours and 10 minutes isn’t the norm. But that’s how long our sessions run. There were at least two nights that I can recall where I actually looked at her and said “You need to get going, you have a long drive home and it’s late.” Not because I wanted to leave, but because I worry about her safety and her commute. Not to mention the fact that on the nights I’m with her, after a certain time we’re the only two people in the building, and after I would leave the office I would worry about the fact that she was there alone closing up shop and walking out to her car in a dark parking lot by herself (remember this, because I’m going to come back to it later). Her office is in a building located in my hometown – practically within walking distance of where I live – and we’re pretty much a quiet bedroom community here, but that doesn’t mean bad things can’t happen. I’ve tried to rationalize this by remembering that even our very first session ran 90 minutes, although I originally thought that was just due to the fact that it was our “Introductory” meeting/screening… but even afterwards, our sessions were still running at least 90 minutes, and now of course they go even longer; so I don’t know that I even believe that explanation. On the nights when I’m not seeing her, I pass by the office on my way home from the gym, and she’s never there at such a late hour any other evening.

Over the course of the past six months, the content of our sessions has constantly fluctuated from discussions about me, and my history, and my relationships, and my family life, and my personal feelings, and all the usual things one would expect to discuss in therapy… to conversations about music and movies and literature and and history and culture and dating and anything else you care to mention. Sometimes as much as three quarters of our session time is taken up by such topics. And sometimes I would mention a movie that I had seen, and the next week she would tell me that she had rented that very movie and watched it (not that I asked her to), and she would give me her review of it. Or she would lend me a book to read and ask me for my feedback on it (they are usually self-help books, though). And, again, while none of this necessarily struck me as unpleasant, or a problem, it seemed unusual to me that so much of our time in-session would revolve around talking about this stuff. She’s even commented on it herself recently, making an aside about how our sessions, while not necessarily always “productive,” are certainly “interesting” (and usually wearing a big smile as she says this). Again, these are not things I’ve ever experienced before in therapy.

Another part of it, though, is the things she sometimes says to me. She’s made many comments over the past few months about how easy I am to talk to, how “sensitive” I am, how I have an “uncanny” ability to “see” things in people, how rare my empathy/communication skills are, complimenting me on my intelligence, my vocabulary, my writing skills (several times I’ve written extensive, detailed essays about my life experiences, and their resulting emotional effects, and sent these to her via email); from there she’s gone to telling me how “complicated” I am, how I’m “intense,” how I am a “paradox” (this apparently due to my creative/artistic personality & mindset)… to comments like how I’m “incorrigible” (again, always said with a smile and a laugh); another time, while discussing how I’m not currently romantically involved with anyone, I mentioned to her that I’ve never had a problem meeting women… to which she responded with “That doesn’t surprise me in the least.” Then there was another conversation where I reached for a really arcane and obscure word to describe something, and she just smiled and said out of the blue, “Do you enjoy making other people feel inferior? You do realize that most people wouldn’t even know that word, much less how to use it in a sentence – right?” Then she laughed. Even though she was teasing (I think), it didn’t feel good to have her put it that way – the last thing I want to do is make her feel ‘inadequate’ or anything like that.

The one thing she’s said that stuck with me the most, though, was a few weeks back when, during a discussion about one of my ex-girlfriends, my therapist laughed and told me I was a “Player.” This gave me pause; it’s not something I’ve ever been called by a woman before. She quickly followed up with “ - but you’re not a player in the usualsense.” I didn’t ask her about it till a week later. When I pressed her about it, she used as an example a date I had once gone on with a girl, where at the end of the night, the girl kissed me goodbye, several times. I replied by asking why this made me a “player…” My therapist said “Well, because you got her there…you know how to ‘get a girl there.’” (I guess getting a goodnight kiss or two from a woman makes you a player…)

I’ve talked to my friends and some co-workers about this (and received many a raised eyebrow in return). I also expressed to them my worries about my therapist staying so late at the office on nights that I was there, and the fact that I wasn’t crazy about her walking out to a dark parking lot alone after I had left. So, at the suggestion of a friend, at our next session I told my therapist about this particular concern, and at the end of that night I wound up waiting with her while she locked the office up, and I stayed in my car in the parking lot till she was safely in her car and on her way home. Oddly, later that night, she sent me an email at 1:30 AM (!) saying she was hoping to explain a little more about why she saw me as a “paradox” and “complicated” and she was forwarding a link to an article she had read about creative people and their personalities and so forth. Needless to say, I was surprised to get an email from her at 1:30 AM. I did read the article, however, and emailed her back with my thoughts on it. In her emailed response to me the next day, she mentioned that I could sometimes be “intimidating – in a good way” due to my “knowledge,” “mental acuity” my way of working “smart literary references” or “funny asides” into a conversation, and so forth; she also said that while she had known many smart individuals in her life she didn’t think she had met many “deep thinkers, at least not to this extent.” She wrote that there was a lot of depth to me and it was “refreshing.” And so on.

At our most recent meeting, this past week, she seemed more reserved than usual. I finally asked her straight out why we stayed so late all the time; she said that it was because she had the open time on her schedule, but she also said it was because I was “interesting to talk to.” At the end of the session she commented that she thought maybe she’d just let me “direct the flow of our sessions” for a while…she said I had a way of moving the conversation in certain directions and that “it must be the Theater Director in you.” Then, since it was 10:15 at night, I waited again as she locked up the place, then I walked her to her car, told her to “get home safe,” and I left.

I don’t know what to think about all this. Part of me thinks that none of this is all that unusual, and that maybe this is just her way of working; perhaps she treats all her clients this way (except, perhaps, for the very late hours with me at the office). The other part of me suspects that there is something more going on here than just the usual interaction between a counselor and a client...or, to be more accurate, that there’s more going on in her head, with regards to me, than she’s letting on. I have talked to my friends at length about this: half of them think I may be reading too much into things; the other half say she’s committed some major “boundary violations.” As I said, I’ve never experienced any of these things with any of my previous counselors. But perhaps she has no ulterior motives, and there’s nothing unusual about any of this. I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to assume the obvious – that she’s developing an attraction, or feelings, or both, towards me – because part of me just feels foolish imagining such a thing. She’s never made any overtly sexual or romantic gestures towards me, either in session or out, but I suppose some of our banter could qualify as ‘flirting,’ from a certain point of view. And I’m not trying to decide if I want to report her, or get her license revoked, or get her in trouble; far from it. I’m a big boy, and I can handle it; at no time do I ever feel any kind of threat or danger or discomfort around her, or in the things she writes or says. And I don’t sense any malevolence or emotional volatility from her; she’s a wonderful, sweet, friendly, warm, intelligent, (very) attractive person and I think I’m just wondering what is really going on, because I don’t want to make things worse if I can help it.

Anyway, that’s it. I’m sure there are a few things here and there that I’ve missed, but this is the majority of it. I don’t want to stop seeing her; I’ve grown quite fond of her… attached, even; and it’s been a long time since I had a therapist that I felt so completely comfortable and at ease with. Still, my “spidey-sense” is tingling; I can’t help feeling that there’s something more going on here. But, as I said, I’d sooner keep my mouth shut about it until I know for sure – rather than open my mouth, find out I was wrong, and make a fool of myself.

I’ve been somewhat loath to post any of this online, as I’m absolutely terrified that she might stumble across this and read it; she’d know it was me in a heartbeat. And again, I’m sorry this was so ridiculously long.

Opinions, thoughts, feedback of ANY kind would be very much appreciated.

And if anyone read this far...thank you in advance.

I wouldn't categorize what you wrote as "major" boundary violations. Going extensively overtime and emailing at weird hours, and other things you describe certainly sound like movement toward a personal relationship, which isn't allowed. The main thing is that *you* are uncomfortable. That discomfort is something you might be able to address with your therapist.

[growlycat]

Just reading this raises some spidey senses in me too! The only overt violation is the late-night-goving way over therapy time thing. I've had therapists give me 10-20 minutes extra if I'm nearing a breakthrough, but it was never a regular thing.

She sounds like she is very, very, very attracted to you and may be struggling internally to keep it together. If you see another T, it might be best for your success in therapy. If you are attracted to her and want to pursue it, just don't keep her as your T. I didn't catch the age difference, but I got the sense she is up to 9 yrs older? I don't think a relationship is the best idea, just saying if you must, don't p**p where you eat!

[growlycat]

OK, I see now. She is 9 yrs younger. Yeah...you might want a more experienced T, one that has better self control.

[rainboots87]

One thing I wondered about as I read your post is whether she's still effectively helping you work through your issues. If you feel she is, then I'd suggest talking about maintaining firmer and more professional boundaries and perhaps focusing more on your issues rather than casual stuff. If she isn't addressing your issues, then I'd take a closer look, perhaps on your own and with your T, to see what can be done to change that (as I imagine you're in therapy to work on your issues) or if a referral may be in order. And welcome to the board

Originally Posted by BronzeOceans

Hi everybody! I'm new here; I've been lurking on these forums a lot lately and I decided it was time I registered and posted

I'm posting this here not only as a kind of introduction to myself and my situation, but also to see if I could get some advice on it as well. Two birds with one stone, and all that. Anyway...

I have a female therapist whom I’ve been seeing for about 6 months. I first started going to her because of longstanding issues I've had with depression, family and life problems, troubled romantic relationships, and so forth. I've been to a number of other therapists in the past, starting when I was very young, after the death of a sibling. My previous experiences in therapy have met with varying degrees of success (I’ve also been treated occasionally by a psychiatrist with things like Wellbutrin and Paxil, although I haven’t been on medication in years) but this is the first time anything like this has ever happened to me. In a nutshell, I'm trying to decide for myself whether or not this is a case of my therapist crossing certain boundaries, and if so, why she might be doing it. To tell the truth, I’m trying to figure out if it's all in my head, or not.

This is going to be really, really long… so I apologize to everyone in advance

It started with our first session. The first time we met, we basically talked about why I was there, the reasons I was seeking therapy, a bit about my background, and so forth. I took a liking to her instantly; she was very warm, friendly, and easy to talk to – which had not always been the case with my previous therapists (I’d been to a number of them before, both male and female, but I didn’t always last with any of them, either because the chemistry wasn’t really there or because I didn’t feel as though it was helping, even after multiple sessions). But from the first meeting, my new therapist and I had an instant rapport. We ‘clicked.’ I’m male, in my early 40s; she’s about 9 years younger. I have an extensive background in the performing arts - I’ve studied music, literature and acting, and performed & directed in theater as well recording and singing with a rock band - although I presently work full time in the finance sector. I’m not married, and I don’t have kids. I have been through a series of bad relationships over the past six or seven years as well as some stressful life events which caused me to actively seek out counseling. I’m not suffering from debilitating depression or a severe personality disorder or substance abuse problems or anything, but I do have my moments and I do have my issues and there is a lot of unresolved baggage from my past that I am trying to work through.

When I first met with her, we were in session for close to 90 minutes, just discussing the reasons and rationale for my being there, along with some of the salient points about myself. We then scheduled our first regular session for the following week. When I sat down in her office that next evening, the first thing she told me was that she had looked up my band on the internet. I was a bit surprised by this, but at the time I think I chalked it up to her either wanting to confirm that I was telling her the truth about myself, or she was just trying to get to know me better. But it seemed a little odd; it wasn’t something I had ever experienced before with any of my other therapists. Nevertheless, I later forgot about it.

Our sessions continued. We juggled the scheduling around for a little bit until finally settling on Monday evenings. The thing is, as the weeks went by, our sessions began to go over time. Regularly. And I’m not talking just a few minutes here and there; I mean way, way over time. Now, for me personally, it wasn’t a problem – I generally didn’t (and still don’t) have anything scheduled afterwards on the nights I see her. But it did seem curious to me. The thing is, I didn’t really even notice it happening at first; she and I would get completely lost in talking and it wasn’t until either she or I glanced at the clock that I would realize we had been in session for an hour and a half, an hour and forty-five minutes…or even longer. This, on a Monday night. Eventually it reached the point where our sessions were (and still are) averaging over two hours at a time... Sometimes as long as two hours and fifteen minutes – getting into session at 7:30 – 7:45 and getting out at 10 pm or later. Now, I don’t know a whole lot about how the rules for counselors work regarding this sort of thing (she is a LCSW with a MA) but I’m pretty sure that 2 hours and 10 minutes isn’t the norm. But that’s how long our sessions run. There were at least two nights that I can recall where I actually looked at her and said “You need to get going, you have a long drive home and it’s late.” Not because I wanted to leave, but because I worry about her safety and her commute. Not to mention the fact that on the nights I’m with her, after a certain time we’re the only two people in the building, and after I would leave the office I would worry about the fact that she was there alone closing up shop and walking out to her car in a dark parking lot by herself (remember this, because I’m going to come back to it later). Her office is in a building located in my hometown – practically within walking distance of where I live – and we’re pretty much a quiet bedroom community here, but that doesn’t mean bad things can’t happen. I’ve tried to rationalize this by remembering that even our very first session ran 90 minutes, although I originally thought that was just due to the fact that it was our “Introductory” meeting/screening… but even afterwards, our sessions were still running at least 90 minutes, and now of course they go even longer; so I don’t know that I even believe that explanation. On the nights when I’m not seeing her, I pass by the office on my way home from the gym, and she’s never there at such a late hour any other evening.

Over the course of the past six months, the content of our sessions has constantly fluctuated from discussions about me, and my history, and my relationships, and my family life, and my personal feelings, and all the usual things one would expect to discuss in therapy… to conversations about music and movies and literature and and history and culture and dating and anything else you care to mention. Sometimes as much as three quarters of our session time is taken up by such topics. And sometimes I would mention a movie that I had seen, and the next week she would tell me that she had rented that very movie and watched it (not that I asked her to), and she would give me her review of it. Or she would lend me a book to read and ask me for my feedback on it (they are usually self-help books, though). And, again, while none of this necessarily struck me as unpleasant, or a problem, it seemed unusual to me that so much of our time in-session would revolve around talking about this stuff. She’s even commented on it herself recently, making an aside about how our sessions, while not necessarily always “productive,” are certainly “interesting” (and usually wearing a big smile as she says this). Again, these are not things I’ve ever experienced before in therapy.

Another part of it, though, is the things she sometimes says to me. She’s made many comments over the past few months about how easy I am to talk to, how “sensitive” I am, how I have an “uncanny” ability to “see” things in people, how rare my empathy/communication skills are, complimenting me on my intelligence, my vocabulary, my writing skills (several times I’ve written extensive, detailed essays about my life experiences, and their resulting emotional effects, and sent these to her via email); from there she’s gone to telling me how “complicated” I am, how I’m “intense,” how I am a “paradox” (this apparently due to my creative/artistic personality & mindset)… to comments like how I’m “incorrigible” (again, always said with a smile and a laugh); another time, while discussing how I’m not currently romantically involved with anyone, I mentioned to her that I’ve never had a problem meeting women… to which she responded with “That doesn’t surprise me in the least.” Then there was another conversation where I reached for a really arcane and obscure word to describe something, and she just smiled and said out of the blue, “Do you enjoy making other people feel inferior? You do realize that most people wouldn’t even know that word, much less how to use it in a sentence – right?” Then she laughed. Even though she was teasing (I think), it didn’t feel good to have her put it that way – the last thing I want to do is make her feel ‘inadequate’ or anything like that.

The one thing she’s said that stuck with me the most, though, was a few weeks back when, during a discussion about one of my ex-girlfriends, my therapist laughed and told me I was a “Player.” This gave me pause; it’s not something I’ve ever been called by a woman before. She quickly followed up with “ - but you’re not a player in the usualsense.” I didn’t ask her about it till a week later. When I pressed her about it, she used as an example a date I had once gone on with a girl, where at the end of the night, the girl kissed me goodbye, several times. I replied by asking why this made me a “player…” My therapist said “Well, because you got her there…you know how to ‘get a girl there.’” (I guess getting a goodnight kiss or two from a woman makes you a player…)

I’ve talked to my friends and some co-workers about this (and received many a raised eyebrow in return). I also expressed to them my worries about my therapist staying so late at the office on nights that I was there, and the fact that I wasn’t crazy about her walking out to a dark parking lot alone after I had left. So, at the suggestion of a friend, at our next session I told my therapist about this particular concern, and at the end of that night I wound up waiting with her while she locked the office up, and I stayed in my car in the parking lot till she was safely in her car and on her way home. Oddly, later that night, she sent me an email at 1:30 AM (!) saying she was hoping to explain a little more about why she saw me as a “paradox” and “complicated” and she was forwarding a link to an article she had read about creative people and their personalities and so forth. Needless to say, I was surprised to get an email from her at 1:30 AM. I did read the article, however, and emailed her back with my thoughts on it. In her emailed response to me the next day, she mentioned that I could sometimes be “intimidating – in a good way” due to my “knowledge,” “mental acuity” my way of working “smart literary references” or “funny asides” into a conversation, and so forth; she also said that while she had known many smart individuals in her life she didn’t think she had met many “deep thinkers, at least not to this extent.” She wrote that there was a lot of depth to me and it was “refreshing.” And so on.

At our most recent meeting, this past week, she seemed more reserved than usual. I finally asked her straight out why we stayed so late all the time; she said that it was because she had the open time on her schedule, but she also said it was because I was “interesting to talk to.” At the end of the session she commented that she thought maybe she’d just let me “direct the flow of our sessions” for a while…she said I had a way of moving the conversation in certain directions and that “it must be the Theater Director in you.” Then, since it was 10:15 at night, I waited again as she locked up the place, then I walked her to her car, told her to “get home safe,” and I left.

I don’t know what to think about all this. Part of me thinks that none of this is all that unusual, and that maybe this is just her way of working; perhaps she treats all her clients this way (except, perhaps, for the very late hours with me at the office). The other part of me suspects that there is something more going on here than just the usual interaction between a counselor and a client...or, to be more accurate, that there’s more going on in her head, with regards to me, than she’s letting on. I have talked to my friends at length about this: half of them think I may be reading too much into things; the other half say she’s committed some major “boundary violations.” As I said, I’ve never experienced any of these things with any of my previous counselors. But perhaps she has no ulterior motives, and there’s nothing unusual about any of this. I honestly don’t know. I don’t want to assume the obvious – that she’s developing an attraction, or feelings, or both, towards me – because part of me just feels foolish imagining such a thing. She’s never made any overtly sexual or romantic gestures towards me, either in session or out, but I suppose some of our banter could qualify as ‘flirting,’ from a certain point of view. And I’m not trying to decide if I want to report her, or get her license revoked, or get her in trouble; far from it. I’m a big boy, and I can handle it; at no time do I ever feel any kind of threat or danger or discomfort around her, or in the things she writes or says. And I don’t sense any malevolence or emotional volatility from her; she’s a wonderful, sweet, friendly, warm, intelligent, (very) attractive person and I think I’m just wondering what is really going on, because I don’t want to make things worse if I can help it.

Anyway, that’s it. I’m sure there are a few things here and there that I’ve missed, but this is the majority of it. I don’t want to stop seeing her; I’ve grown quite fond of her… attached, even; and it’s been a long time since I had a therapist that I felt so completely comfortable and at ease with. Still, my “spidey-sense” is tingling; I can’t help feeling that there’s something more going on here. But, as I said, I’d sooner keep my mouth shut about it until I know for sure – rather than open my mouth, find out I was wrong, and make a fool of myself.

I’ve been somewhat loath to post any of this online, as I’m absolutely terrified that she might stumble across this and read it; she’d know it was me in a heartbeat. And again, I’m sorry this was so ridiculously long.

Opinions, thoughts, feedback of ANY kind would be very much appreciated.

And if anyone read this far...thank you in advance.

No violations yet, so no problem yet. But it seems like you think its heading towards sexual territory so you have two options.
1) Talk to her about the sexual tension building and get past it, and ask her to keep the appointments average length for your piece of mind.
2) see a different therapist

Good luck

[rainbow8]

My gut feeling, from reading your post, is that your T is infatuated with you! She certainly thinks you're interesting, intelligent, and successful, which it sounds like you are. Your theater background is fascinating to your T. It sounds like transference in reverse, which is actually called counter-transference.

No, it's not normal for sessions to last that long on a regular basis, especially to talk about subjects other than your therapy issues. I think your T has a problem and, unless she gets help, it's going to get worse for you.

You can either talk about it with her, find another T, or let things go on as they have been, but I don't recommend the last option. Even if her intentions are innocent, she isn't acting like a T; it sounds like she's acting like someone growing personally interested in her client.

[adel34]

Hi,
Welcome to PC!
The late night hours are deffinetely weird! And it bothers me that you're the one having to say to her at one point that it's late and you guys need to stop. Also, a thought I had is how much does she charge? Does she charge you for all this extra time.
Her e-mailing you, and telling you she looked your band up on the internet, watched some movie you did right after you talked about it... it seems like she's trying to be like your friend, or something more, rather than your therapist. It's so weird because normally it's the client that pushes boundaries! It seems like this woman doesn't have very good boundaries at all. I would consider finding someone else. And to address what Growly said, I believe that if you see a therapist, and then want any kind of other relationship with them (friend, romantic,) you have to wait like five years. I could be wrong but I think that's it. I hope this helps.

Hi Bronze, welcome to PC. Although it does not read as if there are any specific P/C violations, the scenario does come across as unprofessional. I agree with the other members in terms of your options and how to address the matter...if you so choose, with your T.

Frankly, the whole situation strikes me as a bit odd. And it sounds as if she has a crush on you. Also, if I am understanding the situation correctly, it seems as if you are paying your own T to keep her amused and in charming company.

It is our Ts responsibility to manage boundaries, create a safe trusting environment, help guide us as their clients/patients...not the other way around.

Best wishes to you. You seem like a very sweet, intelligent person that already knows the answers to the questions

R

[~EnlightenMe~]

It sounds like it is time to talk to your therapist about this. Let us know how it goes! Welcome to PC

[CantExplain]

Hi BronzeOceans.

Your T does seem to unusually relaxed and attentive. Most Ts stress boundaries, particularly at the beginning, but yours doesn't seem to worry about boundaries at all.

I'm not got to put it any stronger than that. I hate it when people judge my relationship with my T and I'm not going to do that to you.

There are not many of us men on this forum but I guess you already know that.

[growlycat]

Just to be clear if I was judgmental it was aimed squarely at the T, the one who is supposed to be in control of the therapeutic environment

Welcome to pc! did not mean to come off as nasty as I may have. Bad T's are my enemy

[Crescent Moon]

Hi Bronze -

Sounds like a lot of warm, friendly, getting-to-know-each-other-well conversations between an attractive and intelligent woman and an attractive, intelligent and interesting man.. not therapy.

She has not held the framework for therapy from the get-go. That's not your responsibility - it's hers. She might be a better potential girlfriend than therapist. She seems to be so overly "He's so cool!" with you, that my guess is that she will have a hard time responding in a genuinely therapeutic way with you if it ever gets past the fluff and into the deeper parts of therapy.

If you want to work through whatever's going on that sabotages relationships, you may do better with a male therapist who won't succumb to your charms .

[WikidPissah]

welcome aboard Bronze.

It does seem a little weird, but what matters most is YOUR comfort level. Is she helping you? (other than stroking your ego). Is there actual therapeutic work going on?

I can understand why you are reluctant to say anything, I wouldn't be able to either. Embarrassing crap to discuss and all that. It really is your best option though. Maybe a simple email with: "dear t, a few things are making me a bit uncomfortable." and list the time, the chats...etc.