The Lowest Point

I am at the lowest point I have EVER been. I am so stressed that I've become psychotic and my breaks with reality are crushing. I've never been this way before. Ever. I took off work again, I have no choice. I can't do this anymore. I won't. I am a Tsunami, people dread my presence as it causes much destruction and pain. People feel relieved in my absence and can experience peace and joy. I'm not okay in any way. This has been building up for quite a long time. I will fight forever no longer. . .

Dear T,
I so badly wanted to see you one more time to resolve things. This apparently is not an option. I am no longer going to fight for my need to have resolution. I no longer care.

(((((((antimatter)))))))

I'm sorry that you are feeling so low. I hope you can find a new, stable T very soon.

I am at the point where I don't think anyone can help me. I feel so hopeless. I have to fake going to work tom. and then try calling my new T. I seriously am SO LOW. I'll wait until morning and maybe someone can help or will be willing to. I dont' deserve it tho

Yes I think calling your new t is a great idea! or even an email or a quick text or something...

((Antimatter))

I don't know if I can email or text. Forgot to ask.

I feel bad calling off of work again and dread answering the why I was out again. I had to, because my eyes are bloodshot and my face is swollen. Oh, and I'm majorly emotional/depressed. Ugh

Anti matter, I don't know if you are on anti depressants but if not would you consider trying them? Have you changed medication lovely sometimes this can make you worse! I am so sorry you are feeling like this but please try to do something nice for yourself before you start feeling worse.
Are work aware that you are severely depressed? If they were I am sure they would be sympathetic with you and not dread you! I am so sorry you are feeling so bad and hopeless sending lots of hugs to you (hugs)

You are doing right by reaching out. I understand totally what it is like to just not have the energy to even reach out. It is a bad place to be. When I am that low, sometimes I just have to let go of everything and float to the surface. Let the waves take me where they will. If there is nothing to lose, there is no reason to fight. For me, just stopping the fight allows me to rest even inside the turmoil. Take no action at all and just watch what the waves of life do. Sending you peace.

Yes, I am on an antidepressant. It is my PTSD that is causing all of these symptoms. I need someone who can help me with that. Someone who gets that this is not grief, it is trauma. Or maybe both. I don't want to go through this with work, but thanks for your suggestion I am going to call my new T soon and ask what I should do with all of this. I seriously don't know. But it's been over a month, so it's not something I can do myself. As always, I appreciate your support and reply. Take care

Yes, I hear what you are saying! I've already lost, so no reason to fight. I woke up this morning feeling really listless, and my head is killing me. I've cried so much that the salt has made my face look sunburned. I took vitamins because I feel like I'm having adrenal failure or something, I am so wiped out. I wish my PTSD headache would go away. Thanks for the peace, right back acha Take care.

AMatter, do you need to be hospitalized?

Yes. I just called my Pdoc and am awaiting her call. She's supposed to call in ten minutes. I've never done this before and am terrified. I'm not suicidal, I'm just out of control, so I don't know if they will take me.

I am so, so sorry. This sounds so terribly hard.

Iam very depressed a well last week I got discharged from crisis stabilization unit and I don't want to call them I will wait for my appt with my pdoc next week prayers for u

My T always said he would get me admitted is I was unstable. Even if I wasn't actively at risk for Sui. Maybe because I'm bipolar? Idk. Being "out of control" still puts you at risk. I think calling your new T is still a good idea. Maybe he can help you get grounded. Sometimes just talking to T helps calm me when my PTSD is out of control. Maybe the hospitalization will give your mind the break it needs? It sounds like you are having a realllly tough time.

Feel better.