OCD and Attachment Issues

I am now really getting the picture that my OCD is tied to my xT. T is my compulsion, what my obsession is, I don't know. I get stressed and my emotions go haywire, and my xT is the only one with powers to help at the moment. When he called me back today, I finally got relief from my compulsion, well, which is I guess wanting him to give me reassurance? Maybe? Wanting to connect with the person I trust? I'm not totally sure on the specifics.

When my xT called, it was more than a good therapy feeling, it was more like a hit of dopamine and endorphins at the same time. The 'high' lasted until about 3:00, and he called me maybe around 1:00 or so? Wow. Only two hours? So, I think this is the stage when I get really upset about being hurt, when I get really angry, when I experience psychosis. This is the compulsion building. Usually, people with OCD have their hit under their control. Mine isn't, and I have to tell you that I'm really being mindful now and my brain feels like it is going to explode. BUT, the high is just lost now, I don't feel compelled to contact him. However, what I notice myself doing is reviewing the conversation, pulling up word associations, when he said ___, did he mean ____? And then I start to get more anxious and depressed and angry. I really felt like things were going to be okay after he called, and I didn't feel like I needed to see him, or talk to him again anytime soon. Now, I have no feeling memory of feeling good, I feel more anxious and suspect it is the compulsion beginning again. The problem is, before, this morning, yesterday, the compulsion had become way more than I could bear. I felt like I wish I wasn't alive. I didn't understand fully how intense this had gotten but I can now see. I can understand that my moods have been the result of my obsessive thoughts about if I was to blame, about if I was the problem, and that I needed him to reassure me, which means give me a hit of dopamine/endorphins. It is a cycle. I feel bad for the poor guy, look what he has had to deal with. This exposure exercise is painful, especially when I didn't see it for what it was. I absolutely needed my xT to call today, and while I get that it makes getting better longer, I have to make it to that point.
I could tell that my Pdoc was playing Freud when she spoke to me. It's like she is putting forth every effort not to reinforce me, and T's was utilizing the flooding technique. It worked - I flooded my Pdoc's floor with tears. I could tell that my xT cared on the phone, although doubt is creeping in now. Maybe he said this because that. I am a little more at peace understanding why they are doing what they are doing, that it isn't a rejection of me. But it is an awful thing, because how do you stop it? Won't it transfer to someone else? I honestly feel like such a heel, such an ***. I destroy the people who care about me and that is never what I wanted to do. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. I wish I didn't have this, but even more I wish this didn't hurt others, but it has.

So did you get terminated by xT because you were obsessed? Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like something I'd write.

Too late now, but I feel sick about the way I have been treating others and how angry I have been. There is no excuse for the way I have acted and I am ashamed. I feel hurt because I hurt other people. I do apologize, I am sorry and contrite for what I have done. I can't change my horrid past, so I am vowing to change. I am vowing to do my best to remain mindful when I am compulsive and/or in an enraged state of mind. I am hoping I will have no more psychotic endeavors. I am really cycling through moods/compulsions, etc. I hope that people will forgive me. I am disillusioned with myself. Thanks for enduring another lengthy post. This is where I'm focusing my compulsiveness, and it's working. It has been switched from real life to here, because no one will listen to me talk this much irl, so people can choose to read or not to read, lol. My dog listens to me, though.

I have stopped blaming him and accepted that we have terminated. I think I fought the reasons so I could hold onto him, I was unable to fathom never seeing him again.

I've read your threads and I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible. What happened with your wanting to go to the hospital? I think it WAS an emergency when you talked to your new T. He didn't seem to help you very much. When do you see him next? Are you going to be okay this week-end?

Thats interesting about the OCD. That is a thought. It sounds like u can't get over the thoughts of your xt. That would be the obsession. From someone who has severe OCD, I know that OCD takes something that causes u stress or hurt, twists it/magnifies it, and then turns it into an obsession. Not always is there a compulsion.

Remember that your feelings are legit. You are hurting from the loss of your t. But it is that much worse because of how OCD is making it. Does that make sense?? when you have the urge, go do something. Acknowledge the thoughts, say "this is not me. This is OCD making me think ______". Then immediately go distract yourself. Do pushups, watch a movie, go online. But the quicker u do something else, the sooner the thoughts will subside. It's a battle of will.

If you have a doc, I suggest talking to him about trying an OCD med. or at least an anti anxiety, if you arent alrready on one...

I'm here! I really wanna help you. You aren't alone.