[~EnlightenMe~]

I took Ativan, went out and did some things, and I'm still angry about being manipulated, terminated, and deceived. I'm angry that my xT has the power to make others believe what he says, and I have none. I have no way of working through this, so **** IT! I am intensely back to self-hatred. I don't care about therapy, why do this only to have the same ending? I want to end up alone with no one who cares, I can do that goal. I've already started. I want to self-destruct to the point that being terminated, manipulated, deceived by xT no longer feels intense. I want to destroy the part of me that caused the termination, that caused someone I trusted to turn on me. I will never get over this, I know this now. It will be everpresent in my mind always. I am going to self-destruct until the obsessiveness turns in on me and focuses on doing the best job I can do to make sure that I hurt myself more than anyone else could ever do. I ****ing hate myself and I ****ing hate spending my time on someone who wishes I no longer exist. The best gift I gave to him was my absence, as this is what he wanted most. Okay, I take all the blame, everything was my fault. I failed to try, I came to session but did nothing at home, I was dependent on purpose and did nothing about it. I was needy on purpose and deserved to be invalidated. You were right, I chose to terminate, so it was mutual, although it is kind of strange how someone so dependent and needy would choose to terminate, seems to go against the facts. BUT okay, that's true because you say it is true. I wish you had shot me but you would have be freeing me from my pain, and I understand why you chose not to use that intervention. I admit to doing everything you believed I did,whatever that was, I admit to being everything who you thought I was, whoever that was, why counter? It doesn't matter. I no longer matter. I feel empty and like nobody. Inconsequential. You're right, it's all transference, nothing else, nothing you did. It's all me. I hope you forgive me for ever sticking up for myself and what I know to be true, how foolish of me to think any of that would matter, that anybody would believe me. I'm not getting better. You have won.

[lostmyway21]

Couple questions...

Where are you at with your new T? Are you planning to see him? When do you see him next? You could certainly use his support now, right?

Are you and pdoc still considering hospitalization at all? You still seem quite distraught. Maybe you could still benefit from a short break from all this?

Is the Ativan helping at all? Even when I'm manic, it brings me down a couple levels. Talk to pdoc about meds adjust?

Feel better.

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I took Ativan, went out and did some things, and I'm still angry about being manipulated, terminated, and deceived. I'm angry that my xT has the power to make others believe what he says, and I have none. I have no way of working through this, so **** IT! I am intensely back to self-hatred. I don't care about therapy, why do this only to have the same ending? I want to end up alone with no one who cares, I can do that goal. I've already started. I want to self-destruct to the point that being terminated, manipulated, deceived by xT no longer feels intense. I want to destroy the part of me that caused the termination, that caused someone I trusted to turn on me. I will never get over this, I know this now. It will be everpresent in my mind always. I am going to self-destruct until the obsessiveness turns in on me and focuses on doing the best job I can do to make sure that I hurt myself more than anyone else could ever do. I ****ing hate myself and I ****ing hate spending my time on someone who wishes I no longer exist. The best gift I gave to him was my absence, as this is what he wanted most. Okay, I take all the blame, everything was my fault. I failed to try, I came to session but did nothing at home, I was dependent on purpose and did nothing about it. I was needy on purpose and deserved to be invalidated. You were right, I chose to terminate, so it was mutual, although it is kind of strange how someone so dependent and needy would choose to terminate, seems to go against the facts. BUT okay, that's true because you say it is true. I wish you had shot me but you would have be freeing me from my pain, and I understand why you chose not to use that intervention. I admit to doing everything you believed I did,whatever that was, I admit to being everything who you thought I was, whoever that was, why counter? It doesn't matter. I no longer matter. I feel empty and like nobody. Inconsequential. You're right, it's all transference, nothing else, nothing you did. It's all me. I hope you forgive me for ever sticking up for myself and what I know to be true, how foolish of me to think any of that would matter, that anybody would believe me. I'm not getting better. You have won.

I am so sorry you are still struggling. I am so sorry you are so hurt. I don't know about you, but at times when I am consumed with anger or hate myself so much that I just don't want to exist, I have to stop myself and ask what is underneath it.

I had to do that today. My buttons were getting pushed, my blood started to boil, my face was getting hot, and I was about to erupt. I took some breaths and was able to check on it before I reacted. I was hurt. I was in pain and acknowledging that really didn't help. I went a little deeper and I was afraid. When I saw that the other person was too, maybe even more than me, I was able to completely diffuse and avoid the explosion.

I am telling you this because you experience a lot of anger too. Do you know what is underneath it? Is there a particular fear present that could be fueling this? Do you ever allow yourself to think or wonder if maybe your xT really cared, but couldn't go any further because of his own stuff? Is it possible that maybe he was afraid he would fail you and so that is why he didn't fight for you to stay?

The thing is, you can never get in is head. I cannot tell you how many times I have said that I am done with people, but I always go back because we need each other much as it sucks and hurts sometimes. You can work through this because you are in control of that. You do not need him to do that. He only has the power you choose to give him. Your new T sounds really good from what you have posted. If you get to crisis again let him know. Considering a hospital stay is a crisis.

[CantExplain]

((Antimatter))

((hugs))

[sweepy62]

hugs antimater i hope it gets better for you

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I took Ativan, went out and did some things, and I'm still angry about being manipulated, terminated, and deceived. I'm angry that my xT has the power to make others believe what he says, and I have none. I have no way of working through this, so **** IT! I am intensely back to self-hatred. I don't care about therapy, why do this only to have the same ending? I want to end up alone with no one who cares, I can do that goal. I've already started. I want to self-destruct to the point that being terminated, manipulated, deceived by xT no longer feels intense. I want to destroy the part of me that caused the termination, that caused someone I trusted to turn on me. I will never get over this, I know this now. It will be everpresent in my mind always. I am going to self-destruct until the obsessiveness turns in on me and focuses on doing the best job I can do to make sure that I hurt myself more than anyone else could ever do. I ****ing hate myself and I ****ing hate spending my time on someone who wishes I no longer exist. The best gift I gave to him was my absence, as this is what he wanted most. Okay, I take all the blame, everything was my fault. I failed to try, I came to session but did nothing at home, I was dependent on purpose and did nothing about it. I was needy on purpose and deserved to be invalidated. You were right, I chose to terminate, so it was mutual, although it is kind of strange how someone so dependent and needy would choose to terminate, seems to go against the facts. BUT okay, that's true because you say it is true. I wish you had shot me but you would have be freeing me from my pain, and I understand why you chose not to use that intervention. I admit to doing everything you believed I did,whatever that was, I admit to being everything who you thought I was, whoever that was, why counter? It doesn't matter. I no longer matter. I feel empty and like nobody. Inconsequential. You're right, it's all transference, nothing else, nothing you did. It's all me. I hope you forgive me for ever sticking up for myself and what I know to be true, how foolish of me to think any of that would matter, that anybody would believe me. I'm not getting better. You have won.

i'm sorry your ex T did this to you.i sure get that feeling of being expendable.i have been living that the last few months. whats up with the new T ? maybe give that a chance

Antimatter are there others in your life who care about you? Friends, family, spouse, children?

[~EnlightenMe~]

People I am failing miserably. I want to move on, I NEED closure. My anger is all-consuming. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of the emotions. I'm tired of feeling traumatized only to be met with nothing. I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of pain. I'm not connected to my new T. or anybody. I am nobody but a failure. People leave. My absence is so much better than my presence. No words can console me. I need to come to grips with the fact that i'm a ****ing loser. I've never been so obsessive or so angry before that I can remember. It comes from feeling betrayed from someone you trust. It comes from feeling manipulated and deceived from someone you trust. BPD is my issue, and what happened hit me straight in the gut. But I'm expected to keep on going and come out of this fine? I don't think anyone can help me now. Sorry for being so macabre.

[Miswimmy1]

((((((antimatter)))))) (lol my phone autocorrects your name now haha). Im so sorry your going through this

[~EnlightenMe~]

I'm going to see my newT again on Wed., and I am going to ask him direct questions. I want to find out why my T ditched me.

Why is all of this so painful? Why can't I just forget and move on? I can feel the pain and it feels like I"m swimming in the sea of pain. It feels like I can't even come up for air. My rage is my rage, and I am so freaking angry. I am in so much pain from my xT hurting me, and I want a reason that would make sense, because this is just killing me. I feel like I'm not worth the time or effort. I'm already thrown out. My insides are twisted and turned from not knowing why, do I deserve this? Will the rest of my life be spent working through pain? I dread all of this and am not in a good mood about it. Whatever. Everynight when I go to sleep I hope I don't wake up. Imagine the disappointment when i do. UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

[Miswimmy1]

I think talking about it all with your new t is a great idea huggsss. I can't even imagine what your going throught bc I know that I get all worked up over thinking about my t ditching me, so that actuall happening must hurt SO MUCH. It makes me catch my breath