[Dreamy01]

If anyone is sensitive about endings/termination with a T, please read with caution.

Just realised the title makes it sound worse than it probably is - but last night I felt just that - griefstricken.

It struck me that I will have to say goodbye to T at some point. I know I'm feeling better at least in some parts of my life. I'm starting to internalise her and feel her calming, grounding influence. The focus is beginning to shift to the present moment and to some extent the future with the realisation that all of life is happening now and nothing else can be controlled or changed.

Our work isn't over but something has shifted and the finite nature of the relationship is causing me a lot of pain.

I know this has to do with my joy over seeing her earlier in the week. It is too dangerous to feel that happy and close to someone because it's going to end.

I went to bed sobbing last night. It went beyond sadness - it was a deep inner pain.

What makes it worse is that earlier this week I was talking to T about saying goodbye to my former T and how I had survived it. I told current T that if anything happened (i.e she had to go away again) it would feel horrible but I'd survive. I told her that I used to cry a lot at night with former T dreading the ending.

Now I'm worried that made sound blase and like I don't need to be seeing her.

The pain and grief I felt last night were comparable to the grief I felt over Former T, if not worse. I felt heartbroken I started to crave the earlier sessions with my T, the times she commented on my body language more, the times I cried more, the times I sat with her in the different room. I want to go back to those times and do it all over again. I don't want to move on.

Even worse is this terrible sense that I am entering a stage of realising the termination will happen. I'm not denying it or covering it up or pretending it's going to be months/years away - it WILL happen. I've reached a point in my healing where I'm beginning to accept that fact. It happened with former T and now it's happening with current T. I recognise the pattern. It's as if I start grieving for the ending before we even talk about it.

But the pain is so bad that bringing it up with current T is not an option. I don't feel ready to even go there. I can't tell her how I'm feeling. I'm too scared of feeling the pain with her.

Instead I'm looking for any reason to avoid it, anything else to talk about. I'm sure I'll find a reason but I can't avoid it forever.

I'm so sad.

[CantExplain]

((Dreamy))

My T was going to have an operation, and I became obsessed with the idea that she might die. I spent nearly three months working through my feelings about that. It was some of the best therapy work I've ever done. I now feel that I know what to do if T dies, and although it would be very painful, I would cope. I also feel much less terrified of my own death.

So bringing it up was a good decision for me. And my T survived her operation.

[Dreamy01]

Thanks. I know you're right and this NEEDS to be talked about, desperately. Me and my former T did some work on the ending but we didn't have the time to do so in depth because it was largely unplanned. Plus I didn't have strong transference towards her and I do with current T. Not only is this about letting go of T, but the need for a mother and my expectations. And all the other losses I've had.

In a way the proper gruelling work is just beginning but I don't want to face it. It will take me out of my comfort zone to a massive extent.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

Thanks. I know you're right and this NEEDS to be talked about, desperately. Me and my former T did some work on the ending but we didn't have the time to do so in depth because it was largely unplanned. Plus I didn't have strong transference towards her and I do with current T. Not only is this about letting go of T, but the need for a mother and my expectations. And all the other losses I've had.

In a way the proper gruelling work is just beginning but I don't want to face it. It will take me out of my comfort zone to a massive extent.

Well, let's be fair. It was year 8 or 9 when I did this!

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

If anyone is sensitive about endings/termination with a T, please read with caution.

Just realised the title makes it sound worse than it probably is - but last night I felt just that - griefstricken.

It struck me that I will have to say goodbye to T at some point. I know I'm feeling better at least in some parts of my life. I'm starting to internalise her and feel her calming, grounding influence. The focus is beginning to shift to the present moment and to some extent the future with the realisation that all of life is happening now and nothing else can be controlled or changed.

Our work isn't over but something has shifted and the finite nature of the relationship is causing me a lot of pain.

I know this has to do with my joy over seeing her earlier in the week. It is too dangerous to feel that happy and close to someone because it's going to end.

I went to bed sobbing last night. It went beyond sadness - it was a deep inner pain.

What makes it worse is that earlier this week I was talking to T about saying goodbye to my former T and how I had survived it. I told current T that if anything happened (i.e she had to go away again) it would feel horrible but I'd survive. I told her that I used to cry a lot at night with former T dreading the ending.

Now I'm worried that made sound blase and like I don't need to be seeing her.

The pain and grief I felt last night were comparable to the grief I felt over Former T, if not worse. I felt heartbroken I started to crave the earlier sessions with my T, the times she commented on my body language more, the times I cried more, the times I sat with her in the different room. I want to go back to those times and do it all over again. I don't want to move on.

Even worse is this terrible sense that I am entering a stage of realising the termination will happen. I'm not denying it or covering it up or pretending it's going to be months/years away - it WILL happen. I've reached a point in my healing where I'm beginning to accept that fact. It happened with former T and now it's happening with current T. I recognise the pattern. It's as if I start grieving for the ending before we even talk about it.

But the pain is so bad that bringing it up with current T is not an option. I don't feel ready to even go there. I can't tell her how I'm feeling. I'm too scared of feeling the pain with her.

Instead I'm looking for any reason to avoid it, anything else to talk about. I'm sure I'll find a reason but I can't avoid it forever.

I'm so sad.

This makes me sad too. Because it was me several years ago when I realized that one day, I would be finished with therapy. One day I would no longer see my therapist.

I talked to him - a lot - about it. At the time, the single most important thing we developed was a plan of ending. It would occur if and only if we both agreed that it was time. If I didn't, then no way was it over. It helped a tremendous amount.

After we spent a little time on this, two very important issues surfaced. One was pretty obvious - the fear of abandonment and dependence. The second was far more insidious and something I still work on to this day.

That if something good happened, something bad was bound to happen as a result. In my head I thought I never got to have, or keep, anything good. It would be taken from me somehow or something catastrophic would happen.

This is not the case. At all. I get to keep good stuff. The relationship between good and bad is not causal.

Yes, life changes things, the good may morph into something else, but it's still there, still recognizable. Bad doesn't erase good. We get to keep it. Bad is bad, good is good. They exist separate from each other.

I would caution against having something being too painful to talk about with your therapist. This idea is keeping you from reassurance, hope, and release from that pain.

When we suffer, we also get to share it. We can divest of some of the burden that we carry.

[Dreamy01]

Elliemay, that has helped so much. Thank you. What you say is all relevant for me too.

I need to hear T say that I don't have to leave until I'm ready. But then I have to trust that I will be ready at some point.

You're right too about feeling that good always turns into bad. I like the thought that they are separate things and one doesn't lead to the other.

I know I'll have to tell T at some point as the feelings will leak into the sessions anyway and T will know. I wouldn't be surprised if she has guessed already.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Dreamy01

Elliemay, that has helped so much. Thank you. What you say is all relevant for me too.

I need to hear T say that I don't have to leave until I'm ready. But then I have to trust that I will be ready at some point.

You're right too about feeling that good always turns into bad. I like the thought that they are separate things and one doesn't lead to the other.

I know I'll have to tell T at some point as the feelings will leak into the sessions anyway and T will know. I wouldn't be surprised if she has guessed already.

Cool. I'm glad I was able to help. If I may offer one last piece of my experience.

You actually do not have to trust that you will be ready to leave at some point. Actually, you can just let it be what it is right now. Enjoy what it is right now. Right now, Dreamy.

Please try to allow yourself some peace, connection, and joy right now. It's that kind of permission that creates a permanent space for these feelings.

No more tears over what might happen okay? Only joy and contentment with what is right now.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by elliemay

That if something good happened, something bad was bound to happen as a result. In my head I thought I never got to have, or keep, anything good. It would be taken from me somehow or something catastrophic would happen.

This is not the case. At all. I get to keep good stuff. The relationship between good and bad is not causal.

Yes, life changes things, the good may morph into something else, but it's still there, still recognizable. Bad doesn't erase good. We get to keep it. Bad is bad, good is good. They exist separate from each other.

Wow. This so very much resonates with me, like blow the back of my head off resonates. Thank you so much for sharing this, in such a beautiful way (tracing the beginning of this sense to how you have come to resolve it/have worked on it).