[SoupDragon]

T1 is away and I didn't feel things were progressing and I was just constantly finding it so hard in the sessions.

So as I had the extra free time I went to see another T today. We had a 2 hour session and I was blown away at how different it felt.

I got reprimanded by T2 for seeing T2 without finishing it appropriately with T1 first - but actually although I felt guilty for putting T2 in an awkward position (T's words), I still don't believe my actions were inappropriate - surely it is reasonable to check other people out before making a decision re:termination?

Anyway I feel very inspired now - this T is more experienced (and more expensive) but I feel this T really understood the difficulties I have been having with T1 and T2 has a more flexible approach to therapy, not subscribing to any one approach.

However T2 will only see me on condition I have a proper ending with T1 So I have to go to T1 next week and explain.

What happens when you tell T you want to quit? Do you have to go to more than one session? I am not looking forward to it at all

[stopdog]

I would find a therapist who "reprimanded" me untenable, but I have never had one give me a hard time about quitting. Usually the approach I have seen and heard of is that the therapist will wish one luck with the new one and perhaps will want to talk about the things each party thinks went well and then tell the client they may come back if they wish in the future. They cannot make you have more than one appointment (they technically cannot make you even have one).

Good luck with the new one.

[skysblue]

My goodness - is there some kind of law that will force us to continue with a therapist when we don't want to do that? Can T1 really insist that you see her more than once? Boy, what a racket!! I wish I could do that in my business. Nope, you cannot stop buying my product. You need my permission to stop buying my product. Wow! I'll get rich quick.

A question - did T2 explain why it is necessary for you to do that? Will she give you time to try to do it? Will she help you find a way to do it? And what exactly is a 'proper' ending? Did she explain that to you? And why do you have to explain anything to T1? Can't you just call up and tell her you're terminating?

I'm confused.

[Mike_J]

I think you are right, if you are not happy with your therapist I don't see a problem with checking around before you make a decision to terminate with your current therapist. You might end up finding that your current therapist is a lot better than the available options (clearly not your case).

Tell T2 the truth, that while T1 was unavailable you made the decision to check around a bit, with T1 gone not like terminating was an option until he/she got back. And when you make a final decision you will inform T1. Do think letting T1 know you aren't coming back for whatever reason is the polite thing to do but you are under no obligation to do so.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks Stopdog - maybe reprimand was too strong a word, but I had some e-mail contact with T2 about 6 months ago and at that point T2 encouraged me to finish with T1 first.

Skysblue - lol - I assume it is to make sure the termination is not about just running from difficult stuff? And that there is time for reflection of the work that has been done? I think T2's take on it was my failure to give T1 notice of quitting reflects part of my "problem" in being passive and not addressing important things.

But I agree in terms of the money thing - if T1 does want me to go more than once, then who's going to pay for that?

I must admit that I am fairly confused too though. I would feel very able to send an e-mail and just say thanks and have a nice life

In our state, there's an ethics rule for therapists that one therapist is not supposed to see you if you are already seeing another, unless the first therapist agrees after consultation. Like the rule about not poaching other attorneys' clients, stopdog. You are not supposed to step in and talk to a person knowing that they already have another attorney.

So, Soupdragon, assuming you are more comfortable with T2 despite the reprimand, that says a lot. Just give T1 a call and give him or her the heads up that you will be changing therapists and you would like a termination session if he or she thinks it would be helpful.

I discussed this issue with my T once when I was thinking I wanted to return to see former T. My T said he would miss me, but wanted me heal as quickly as possible, so if I thought seeing former T would be better, he was okay with that. Mostly, therapists are professionals, and will handle the termination okay.

[stopdog]

I would do what I was comfortable with - a phone call or email. I would not pay to tell one I was not coming back unless I wanted to spend another appointment explaining it. Totally up to the client.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

In our state, there's an ethics rule for therapists that one therapist is not supposed to see you if you are already seeing another, unless the first therapist agrees after consultation. Like the rule about not poaching other attorneys' clients, stopdog. You are not supposed to step in and talk to a person knowing that they already have another attorney.

So, Soupdragon, assuming you are more comfortable with T2 despite the reprimand, that says a lot. Just give T1 a call and give him or her the heads up that you will be changing therapists and you would like a termination session if he or she thinks it would be helpful.

I discussed this issue with my T once when I was thinking I wanted to return to see former T. My T said he would miss me, but wanted me heal as quickly as possible, so if I thought seeing former T would be better, he was okay with that. Mostly, therapists are professionals, and will handle the termination okay.

We don't have that rule in my state. And I don't think it is their call to make. I see two and it is none of their business that I do so.
Therapists aren't the boss of me.

[skysblue]

OK, so if you're running from difficult stuff, that's your right, isn't it? We have fears, we have emotions, we have confusion. Are you saying T2 won't see you if you resist doing some difficult task right now?

I can't imagine my T telling me I HAD to do something before she would help me. I mean, isn't that why we're in therapy - to get help with big issues? But T2 wants you to perform, now, a task that you don't feel comfortable with. Are you sure you want to see T2? Is she going to make those kind of demands in the future? Or is she acquainted with T1 and she, herself, doesn't want to step on toes.

And, again, what is a 'proper' ending? Is it possible she just wants you to inform T1 to be sure you're fully in camp with her? Maybe she isn't even asking you to have another session with T1.

[SoupDragon]

MikeJ - thanks for the reassurance that it is OK to look around before deciding on a course of action - if the T today hadn't been good I would have preferred to stay with T1, at the moment I don't think I would manage well without any T at all.

MyKidsAreCool - it was so significant today in that T2 asked me if I wanted a glass of water and I had not problem in saying yes - T1 has never been able to get me to accept one in 2.5 years - I have no idea why. Yes an e-mail saying I want to terminate and asking if T wants me to come to a final session sounds a good idea and will set the scene for that session.

Feels a little unsettling in some ways 2.5 years is a long time, but I felt very confident with this new T and hope this will now help me to move forward from this very stuck "groundhog day" type of existence.

[roads]

It's curtesy, I'd say. A therapist ought to be concerned if a client just vanishes--much better an honest face-to-face explanation of why you're moving on. He didn't send you off in a traumatised state, you decided to change paths & his break seemed a good time ... You found someone you fit with & want to try for now. Thank you for the work we've done.

It clears the air between the therapists as well, so T1 knows T2 didn't steel you away. I know it puts you in an uncomfortable position ... But if you think about it objectively, it settles some business matters for the psychologists.

Awkward for you, but less awkward for them. They get off easy. Sorry, it's their world ...

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Roadie

It's curtesy, I'd say. A therapist ought to be concerned if a client just vanishes--much better an honest face-to-face explanation of why you're moving on. He didn't send you off in a traumatised state, you decided to change paths & his break seemed a good time ... You found someone you fit with & want to try for now. Thank you for the work we've done.

It clears the air between the therapists as well, so T1 knows T2 didn't steel you away. I know it puts you in an uncomfortable position ... But if you think about it objectively, it settles some business matters for the psychologists.

Awkward for you, but less awkward for them. They get off easy. Sorry, it's their world ...

I don't think a client has to do anything for them.

But I do wish SDragon the best with the new one and even with the old one if she chooses to see the first one again. Totally up to the client. NOT the therapist. I have never had a therapist try to make me feel bad for leaving. I did have one who said I could not just quit - I said "yes I can" and left never to talk to that one again. I felt fine.

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by skysblue

OK, so if you're running from difficult stuff, that's your right, isn't it? We have fears, we have emotions, we have confusion. Are you saying T2 won't see you if you resist doing some difficult task right now?

I can't imagine my T telling me I HAD to do something before she would help me. I mean, isn't that why we're in therapy - to get help with big issues? But T2 wants you to perform, now, a task that you don't feel comfortable with. Are you sure you want to see T2? Is she going to make those kind of demands in the future? Or is she acquainted with T1 and she, herself, doesn't want to step on toes.

And, again, what is a 'proper' ending? Is it possible she just wants you to inform T1 to be sure you're fully in camp with her? Maybe she isn't even asking you to have another session with T1.

I guess there are two ways of looking at it - either T2 was saying that for professional colleague reasons (stepping on toes), or because T2 believes I would gain something from challenging myself to do something difficult and actually talking face to face with someone that I worked with for 2.5 years - actually maybe there is a third reason - out of respect. I am very good at just cutting people of (T1 always knew this was a "danger"), so maybe it would be good for me to do "otherwise".

T2 did ask whether I felt is appropriate to share the name of T1 and I said no - it is a small town and it is possible that they may come into contact with one another.

Maybe I am just feeling a little more robust at the moment, but I think boundaries / conditions are good things to explore - I can choose whether to agree with them or not (there is always consequences of course) and maybe that will help me in my passivity - maybe that is why T2 is telling me to go back to T1.

But it seems there is not absolute plan for a final sessions / s and there are a range of ways to choose to end.

[stopdog]

Soup - there is a blogger on psychology today, Ryan Howe - who wrote a four part thing on ending therapy. It may be useful to read. I will link if I can figure out how.

(Disclaimer - I despise Ryan Howe - but many like him and the four part thing on why it could be useful to talk to old therapist could be interesting to you)

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Soup - there is a blogger on psychology today, Ryan Howe - who wrote a two part thing on ending therapy. It may be useful to read. I will link if I can figure out how.

(Disclaimer - I despise Ryan Howe - but many like him and the two part thing on why it could be useful to talk to old therapist could be interesting to you)

Thanks Stopdog that would be useful if you can find it - Soup

[stopdog]

I was wrong - it is in 4 parts.
Here is the first link:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...i-what-why-how

Never mind, stopdog already posted it.

[stopdog]

MKAC - thanks - I need all the computer help I can get.
I think you can to all the rest of the parts from the first link.

[SoupDragon]

Thanks Stopdog - yes could access all the parts from that link. Wow that was an interesting read, it says that for some T's the endings represent 25% of the work - But I guess there is a difference between quitting because you want to try a new approach and quitting because you are fixed enough.....don't think I am fixed enough yet, so hope 1 session will wrap things up.

[Eliza Jane]

I actually think it speaks well of T2 to require you to end with T1 1st because he thinks it might be helpful to you. It shows that he is not just about filling his client roster and making a buck. It would actually be better for him if he just jumped right in with you and you started paying him instead of T1.

It also shows that he is not desperate for clients and therefore can make his own rules and set his own boundaries. I ran into this with a former pdoc. He was known to be one of the best in town, so he became really picky. He wouldn't work with complicated cases and wouldn't accept insurance. He couldn't have gotten away with that for long if he didn't have the skills to back it up. Maybe it is the same here.

Best of luck with T2.

EJ

[iGottaBme]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

T1 is away and I didn't feel things were progressing and I was just constantly finding it so hard in the sessions.

So as I had the extra free time I went to see another T today. We had a 2 hour session and I was blown away at how different it felt.

I got reprimanded by T2 for seeing T2 without finishing it appropriately with T1 first - but actually although I felt guilty for putting T2 in an awkward position (T's words), I still don't believe my actions were inappropriate - surely it is reasonable to check other people out before making a decision re:termination?

Anyway I feel very inspired now - this T is more experienced (and more expensive) but I feel this T really understood the difficulties I have been having with T1 and T2 has a more flexible approach to therapy, not subscribing to any one approach.

However T2 will only see me on condition I have a proper ending with T1 So I have to go to T1 next week and explain.

What happens when you tell T you want to quit? Do you have to go to more than one session? I am not looking forward to it at all

Most likely your therapist knows that therapy isn't working on some level and may not be surprised by your desire to move on. I had to move on to a new T after seeing my former T for 10 years. It a huge step for me. My former T was surprised but agreed that he had taken me as far as I could go with him. I needed someone else to go to the next step. It wasn't a reflection at all on his effectiveness as a T. He did CBT. I needed a trauma T. Because of my growth with him, I now needed something else. He did feel a bit slighted and it was ackward. I talked a bit in session with him about wanting to try a different form of therapy and even asked for referrals. I did not have a goodbye session. I agree with your T2. You really need to end with your current T but I don't think it needs to take more than a session or two. I wish that I had an official goodbye session with my former T.

[Wren_]

((((Soup)))) right now it may not feel like you want to go back to see and finish things with t1 ... and I can understand that; but I think t2 asking is a lot more to do with you - wanting this for your own healing, wanting this for your own growth, wanting this so you don't keep feeling guilty or playing the blame game when you don't need to. It's wonderful the new T seems so much better suited for you; but after 2.5 years I hope you do that one final session (pre-warn T by email that it's a final if that helps?) but from reading others experiences about closures after long term therapy it seems to be better than going stone cold

[WikidPissah]

Soup...do what's best for soup...not what's best for t1.

I dumped XT via email, and he responded "ok".

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

Soup...do what's best for soup...not what's best for t1.

I dumped XT via email, and he responded "ok".

That's very tempting

I think I am going to e-mail T1 with the details of why I want to move on and then ask him if he wants me to come for a final session to talk to him face to face.

I am feeling a little wobbly about it today, 2.5 years is a long time and what if this is a mistake? I have carried T1 around with me in my head all that time and it is going to be strange not seeing him again. Part of me does not want to close that door completely, would be nice if it was slightly ajar just in case.

Thanks to everyone, it has been so useful hearing your views (and getting your support )

Soup

[Dreamy01]

I've encountered the same thing - twice. Most therapists seem to be reluctant to see a client before the client had ended properly with their current therapist. In a way I can understand this - termination is an essential aspect of the therapy and any good t probably knows that it needs to be dealt with properly so that the client is reasonably able to find closure. If this isn't found, it can seriously mess up the next therapy- or indeed any - relationship.

That said, i do think there should be freedom of choice to explore when a current therapist isn't working out. We don't always know if/when we want to leave one T before looking around to see who else is out there. Perhaps being honest with any potential ts at the session is key.

I hope T1 responds to your email and that the final session is what you want/need. Do you have the option to return if you change your mind? I hope so as that might help.