[CantExplain]

Hi guys!

I see now that I was raised with a lot of blame but also with a lot of praise.

Consequences:
1. Almost everything was either praise or blame, so the idea of a "neutral" comment is almost inconceivable to me.
2. The praise was so consistent that I take lack of praise, or faint praise as criticism.
3. It has contributed to me being judgemental
4. It has contributed to my black-and-white thinking.
5. On a more positive note, it means I am generous with praise and very supportive.

You could sum up by saying that my mother was both too hard and too soft. I have spent my adult life looking for a woman who was as soft as my birth mother without being so hard. And I found one and married her! But I still grieve that my T is not soft enough.

[karebear1]

Wow CE! those are some big recognitions! How strange it must feel to have praise and blame.I was pretty much only blamed for things, so the idea of being praised is inconceivable to me. Nuetral would've been nice.

I understand the idea of anything other than glorious , jumping up and down praise as seeming like it was criticism to you. What an extreme for a kid to ahve to read though!

I don't really see a judgemental side of you, but I do see a very supportive side to you. It's one of my favorite things about you here on PC.

My T is wonderfully soft with me and I so appreciate that baout her. How is your T not soft or too hard on you?

[stopdog]

Praise often feels like mockery or like it has too high a price. Blame is bad only when I can't prove I did not do it. I adore neutral.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Wow CE! those are some big recognitions! How strange it must feel to have praise and blame.I was pretty much only blamed for things, so the idea of being praised is inconceivable to me. Nuetral would've been nice.

I understand the idea of anything other than glorious , jumping up and down praise as seeming like it was criticism to you. What an extreme for a kid to ahve to read though!

I don't really see a judgemental side of you, but I do see a very supportive side to you. It's one of my favorite things about you here on PC.

My T is wonderfully soft with me and I so appreciate that baout her. How is your T not soft or too hard on you?

Thanks, Karebear! Thanks for understanding. And special thanks for rescuing my post from page two - I thought it was going to sink without a trace.

I have had softer Ts than this. But T's hardness can be attractive too.

As T points out, I've surrounded myself with soft people (soft wife, soft boss). Maybe I need a hard woman in my life?

I just wish she would be softer when I need it. In times of crisis, she gets harder, or at least it seems that way to me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Praise often feels like mockery or like it has too high a price. Blame is bad only when I can't prove I did not do it. I adore neutral.

Thanks, Stoppy!

[Perna]

What great things you have figured out! I didn't quite get it even when my stepmother said, "That's just an observation, not a criticism". Other people can only tell us what they see from their point of view and that isn't about us, that's just them telling us things from their point of view! So, even when someone else criticizes one, it is up to the criticizee to look at the criticism and see how useful it is in their own life. If someone praises one, the praisee has to do the same thing. Everything said to us is from/about the person saying; how we take it or what meaning it has for us, etc. is about us and our own filters.

Great insight CE... this was very helpful.

[SallyBrown]

These are fantastic insights, CantExplain. Really great. They make an awful lot of sense, and I hope they're helping you.

What do you see the next step as? Or maybe a different way of asking, what kind of applications do you see coming out of these insights?

[mcl6136]

Daily zen:

"Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all. "

Buddha

[Bill3]

On a more positive note, it means I am generous with praise and very supportive.

Given your background, could it be that you yourself give too much praise?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by SallyBrown

These are fantastic insights, CantExplain. Really great. They make an awful lot of sense, and I hope they're helping you.

What do you see the next step as? Or maybe a different way of asking, what kind of applications do you see coming out of these insights?

The next step is, to notice it every time it happens.
Once I can manage that, it will probably go away pretty quick. I don't usually need an explicit strategy. The insight is enough.

[unaluna]

I so get this about the extravagant praise. I wanted (and told) my prev t/pdoc to fall out of his car when he saw me, and was truly disappointed when he didn't. in the years since, I have learned HOW MUCH of the praise from my FOO was lies - on their part, tho actually true and well-deserved, just dishonest! - so I still want to kill them. but I am beginning to deal with my anger.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Given your background, could it be that you yourself give too much praise?

Do you think I am wrong when I say I am generous with praise and very supportive?

[WikidPissah]

good job CE, those are great recognitions.

[Sannah]

Great work! So the praise was excessive? This has been a problem in this country where teachers want to build self worth so they over praise and this causes problems because when the kid doesn't get praise they are let down. This isn't real life. Many experts are saying now that praise should be real for real accomplishments.

[Bill3]

Do you think I am wrong when I say I am generous with praise and very supportive?

Not at all. I completely believe you.

I am just offering an idea for reflection.

Your original post suggested that your were overpraised as a child. Childhood patterns often persist into adulthood, so possibly you overpraise as an adult. Possibly.

Given that possibility, I am suggesting that it might be worth reflecting on whether or not you have carried on that childhood pattern. I have no actual knowledge or opinion one way or the other, and I know that whatever you conclude upon reflection (if indeed you decide to do that) will be correct.