[alone in the world]

called my T over the weekend and left a check in like she wants me to do, but I felt the content of the check in should have made her want to contact me. Boy was I wrong. I finally got the nerve to call and request a call back and when she did I was still upset and didnot want to talk, so we had a 2 minute conversation. Felt so guilty about my behavior that I left her a V/M apologizing for being rude and disrespectful. But truthfully I still feel I was right to be upset,figured she knew me well enough to hear the hurting in my voice and know I needed that call back. Then the mature part of me says you don't get if you do not ask. so confused . called today and asked for a call back but then turned around and cancelled it. Thursday's are my T day but she will not be in tomorrow so I have to not see her for another week, Do I gonext week or do I hang on to this anger that she knows nothing of? After 2.5 years of working together I should be able to verbalize all these emotions going through me, but I can't so afraid I will upset her and I have this need to protect her. I am going no where very fast. really would like to hear her voice but to embarrassed to call back.

Never ever hold on to anger no matter how unfounded it may or may not be. It will build up inside you until it detonates out of nowhere and will destroy your relationship. Tell her how you feel so you can let it go.

T's prefer you express your anger than to bottle it up.

Its ok to reach out, I notice lots of people do it around a missed session especially. Be kind to yourself, if you need to talk to T , then ask and don't un-ask.

[Miswimmy1]

dont hang on to it. you sound like you need to talk to her. a lot of times, the t waits for you to make the first move. she may have been waiting to see if you could figure it out alone, and then if not, then you would call back. i dont think it has anything to do with her not understanding you, or caring about you.

I would definatley give her a call. let her know how you are feeling. and go from there. she may not even realize how hurt you are. if you continute to reach out and then pull back, she is going to tread carefully, and go at youe own pace. i think she is waiting for you to set the tone

[alone in the world]

Originally Posted by TentativeConnection

Never ever hold on to anger no matter how unfounded it may or may not be. It will build and destroy your relationship. Tell her how you feel so you can let it go.

TC really want to call her back but I feel so stupid for cancelling the call back. Plus I struggle with sharing my anger and frustration towards her, know it is my own transference but I just can not get past it. Probally will call tonight since I know she wont be available tomorrow to call back. The chicken way out.

[stopdog]

I think telling a therapist you are mad at them is a great thing to do. They don't really get hurt or anything. It could be useful in her helping you ask for what you need rather than waiting for her to read into or act on her own to call you back and check on you.

[Anne2.0]

I think that one of the biggest mistakes we can make in any relationship is not telling someone what we need, and assuming that if they really love us, or if they care enough, or if they know us well, they will magically give us what we need without us asking.

Sometimes that does happen-- my H sometimes surprises me with what he gives me. And sometimes he surprises me with how little he does what I think I've asked him to do. In most cases, sometimes he gets lucky, but usually the fault is my own and my inability to clearly articulate what I want from him.

Really, the only time in our lives that we get taken care of is when we are tiny. Then, our needs were really small in number and if we had good enough parents, they gave us what we needed without "asking."

But therapy is a good place to unlearn the habit of waiting for people to give you what you need. You have to ask. And I've found with my T, he is really good at giving me what I ask for. That continues on into my other relationships. I get better at asking for what I want and I end up getting it a lot of the time.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

I think that one of the biggest mistakes we can make in any relationship is not telling someone what we need, and assuming that if they really love us, or if they care enough, or if they know us well, they will magically give us what we need without us asking.

Sometimes that does happen-- my H sometimes surprises me with what he gives me. And sometimes he surprises me with how little he does what I think I've asked him to do. In most cases, sometimes he gets lucky, but usually the fault is my own and my inability to clearly articulate what I want from him.

Really, the only time in our lives that we get taken care of is when we are tiny. Then, our needs were really small in number and if we had good enough parents, they gave us what we needed without "asking."

But therapy is a good place to unlearn the habit of waiting for people to give you what you need. You have to ask. And I've found with my T, he is really good at giving me what I ask for. That continues on into my other relationships. I get better at asking for what I want and I end up getting it a lot of the time.

... especially the words that I bolded. This is a major problem for me and I'm really working on it in therapy. It's extremely difficult for me to ask for what I want, and when I finally do say something, a lot of the time I don't say it well. And that leads to me thinking "See? What good does it do to ask when I don't get what I asked for, so what's the point, and really, if you loved me you'd know what I want, bla blah blah." Arrgh! Such a steep learning curve!

There's a lot of wisdom in your post, and it makes me believe if I just keep working on this, maybe I can get to the point you're at. Maybe ......

Alone if and when you call, just explain to T you know why you did it, thats a great step.

Originally Posted by alone in the world

TC really want to call her back but I feel so stupid for cancelling the call back. Plus I struggle with sharing my anger and frustration towards her, know it is my own transference but I just can not get past it. Probally will call tonight since I know she wont be available tomorrow to call back. The chicken way out.

i do it a lot. text t and say please call asap. 5 minutes later text/email "do not call me i dont need you anymore."

I think she doesn't care. well, except for the part where im blowing up her phone with "call don't call" text messages.

but she gets it.

your t will too.

just go ahead and call. she will be glad you did.

[alone in the world]

Thanks all for the great advice and support. I did call her back and sort of requested a call back, I'm trying. Now I wait to see if she responds. she is ususally very good about getting back with me if she interprets my message correctly. If I do not hear from her by tomorrow evening as she will be in a training tomorrow, I will call back and be more specific. This unresolved stuff is tearing me up inside and creating alot of anxiety.