How do you let your T be there for you?

How do you let your T be there for you? To help you? My T told me last night that I am in so much pain, and I wont let her help me feel better even though she's sitting there in front of me willing to help.

And she doesn't understand why- if its because I don't think she can help, if I don't think it will work (mindfulness activity that I dislike), or if its because I don't want help.

I think maybe because I don't deserve her help. And I don't know how to accept it.

I told her to terminate me and she said she can't because I am depressed and suicidal.

For me it was trusting that T knew what he was doing and to stop trying to figure out HOW the magic tricks are being performed and just sit back and watch the show. Speak from the heart and not from the head.

I wish I knew. Or what good it would do if one did.

I have absolutely no idea what this means.

It means NOT to cautiously talk or THINK about what your going to say or how you will say it...just speak with your brain turned off.

Without the brain there is chaos.

It's a hard thing to do TC, and if you can't let her be there for you, at least just keep turning up, eventually bit by bit you'll let her in, in my experience when all the hurt inside makes a little space for T that's when the healing can begin. xx

I think just by showing up is one way.

Tentative please let your T help you...She wants to be there for you, I know its hard to believe or to trust her but let her in and at least give her the chance to show you she cares (((((((HUGS)))))))

I feel like I don't deserve to be there. I don't deserve her.

And I think I am about to lose my ssi and my insurance because I can't really supply ant documentation that I am still disabled. My t doesnt keep notes and i havent seen a pdoc in 5 months.

And with the chaos comes the truth.

That's it....

No.
No. No.

Yes...my dear

In vino veritas and also in chaos. When you stop filtering what you say and think they pick out the relevant stuff and start piecing it all together, kinda cool if you think about it.

I am glad that idea works for some of you.

You do deserve to be there Tentative, you deserve to be cared for. Maybe you could express you worries over your disability with T and see of she can do something for you.

for me, so true...I had to give it time and the more I fussed n cussed, the more I got in my own way.

My best T and I worked together for a solid year before I felt enough trust to allow help to happen.

Give it time, if you think this T is the one!

I do show up. But I do not always talk. Or if I do it is in sign language and she cannot understand. And in my silence I even refuse to do the mindfulness exercises because they are so repetitive and boring.

...I told her I didnt want anything from her because if I lose my insurance I cant see her anymore, and that I wanted it to be out of my hands the decision not to see her anymore.

(copied from other thread, don't want to hijack)

And in answer: yea I guess there is shame in crying. It indicates lack on control. When I first broke my ankle I did lay on the couch uncovered, but for whatever reason now...I feel unprotected and I can't do that anymore. I feel like I have rolled backwards away from her, further even than day 1 when I first met her.

When my therapist started doing things for me that I really really did not want to do, that's when I began to "let her in".

When you are all on your own and you don't like other people, you become to accustomed to doing every single thing by and for yourself. You end up walking five miles in the driving rain in the middle of the night because your car broke down and you have no friends to rescue you. You almost break your back trying to move furniture because you don't have anyone to do it for you. You run all your errands and make all your phone calls and pay all your bills by yourself. Once you've grown accustomed to it, it becomes inconceivable to let someone share the burden. Because what if they screw it up? And what if they expect something in return that you can't or don't want to provide? It's just easier to do it by yourself, no matter how hard it is.

But as independent as I am, I was finding that I had low diligence when it came to finding a pdoc early on in my therapy. I lucked out with my therapist; her door was the first and only I had to knock on. But it was turning into a giant mess on the psychiatry front. I was tired of calling offices and having to tell secretaries my personal business...only for them to tell me the doctor wouldn't see me anyway. The stress was making my depression worse. I just wanted to give up.

So my therapist became my case worker and volunteered to handle all the phone calls. Five years later, she still does this, with all of my doctors. I didn't have to put her to any test. She picked up the ball that I didn't want to touch and took care of it for me. And that was enough for me to say, "Hey, maybe I will let her take care of me I am so very tired of doing it all by myself."

I am still my ultra-analytical, independent self. I am always conscientious about falling into any fantasy traps regarding our relationship. Just because I trust her doesn't mean that I've become dependent on her and that we no longer have boundaries. It just means that through the therapeutic relationship, I have realized that I can't do everything by myself. I do need someone to help me.

That sounds like a message you need to hear too, TC.

I know I need help. I just don't want T's help. But its because I've been pushing her away. I am messed up.

Do you think it's her personally? Or do you think you'd feel this way regardless of the therapist?

When you picture the ideal therapist for you, what image do you conjure up?

I like that Lola "Speak from the heart and not from the head."

And SD - "Without the brain there is chaos." from chaos can come creation if you let it!

i dont. and that is my issue. she says she is there for me. but it takes all my effort to not shut her out. i have serious trust issues, and she knows that. but i am working on it. i would love to hear what others have to say