[Lexicon78]

I'm supposed to be going to partial twice a week. I rarely ever go. I hate it because it's not beneficial at all.

Anymore I forget all about my T appointments, I'm not remembering what day it is or anything. I even forget to call in to set up transportation for my appointments, so it never really gets done.

I missed my pdoc appointment last...week??? I dunno when it was. Anyways, I was lucky enough that I still had an extra refill on my meds. I don't even remember to take them all the time. No wonder I still had an extra refill for another 2 week supply of meds.

I've tried everything to try to remember my appointments. I post my appointment cards on the fridge, have calendars up with all my appointments on them, make lists of what I need to do...I just bypass, put off, or completely forget about these things. I even look at them almost daily and it still doesn't do anything for me.

Like I'll say oh it's morning...I can call for transportation or whatever in the afternoon. I'll get online and the next time I look at the clock it's 5 pm! Too late to call! I lose track of time so easily. This isn't the first time this has happened. It has been worse before like this.

Anyways, back to the original topic. Partial.

For some reason I can't bring myself to go at all. If I don't feel like doing something, I don't do it. And I know that it isn't helping me at all...I mean we learn more about the counselors lives than we work on our issues. It's really bad there. I don't like the people there, I don't get supported there at all, and I'd rather go where I could get that. I dunno.

Maybe I'll go next Tuesday or sometime and tell them that I'm quitting because it's doing me no good at all. It's just a place to socialize and I don't like socializing with those people to begin with.

[(JD)]

While I certainly understand the inability to track days and time, if I were you I would look further into why you really wish to avoid doing these things. Avoidance, resistance.. it's there for a reason. I hope you can do what you need to do, for good self care! TC

[ErinBear]

Hi Lexicon,

Have you talked with your therapists and doctors at all about why you are feeling this way - not wanting to go to your appointments? It sounds like it is not just one place, but across the board. Even though your experience with partial sounds like the most difficult one, it also sounds like you don't want to keep your other appointments either right now.

Is it possible to reschedule your pdoc appointment and try to talk about some of these issues, if that is a person with whom you can talk? If not, is there a counselor at partial with whom you can talk before you quit the program altogether? Or, is there another partial program to which you can be transferred, if this one isn't meeting your needs?

My situation is totally different, but I know for me, sometimes when I wanted to skip appointments with my counselor, I was really having trouble in our working relationship, and I was really upset with him. I needed to bring up some problems we were having, and get them worked out. I also needed to talk about some frustrated feelings I was having. I don't know if this could be an experience other folks have when they feel like skipping appointments, but at least for me, once I bought up the problems we were having in therapy and we worked on them, it really helped and I found myself wanting to keep my appointments again. We were able to work things out.

Anyway, I'm thinking of you, and I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Please take good care of you.

Take care,
ErinBear

[Lexicon78]

Well, I few months back I started being unable to leave my apartment. It got harder and harder to leave until one day it just became impossible, really. I think it all started a little before Easter or somewhere around there.

One day I did attempt to go to partial. I didn't cancel or anything. Well, when the transportation van got here I boarded and all. Well, the van is usually jam packed. I had a small panic attack. After the long ride, I got to partial. I was ok in the main room where everyone sits at the tables. The first group was really unbearable. I had a major panic attack. I mean all those people...in a small space...too close together...all in a circle. I tried everything to keep my calm...but ended up having to sit backwards to prevent myself from completely flipping out and screaming, crying, etc. It was that bad for me. I was shaking, couldn't stay still, couldn't even breathe. My chest felt like it was exploding. I got tears in my eyes and everything.

Nobody is supportive there. They don't talk about anything important at all. It's just bad. I need so much more intensity than they can give.

I had previously talked to the pdoc and she said I needed to stay and just come more often. She won't let me leave it seems. I got more out of individual therapy, actually.

Actually, I don't leave the apartment anymore unless my bf or my dad is with me. Otherwise I refuse to leave at all. I don't see the point in it. Can't go...just can't.

[Rapunzel]

Lex, what are you afraid would happen if you went out by yourself? This concerns me because it sounds like you could be developing a new disorder such as agoraphobia. Although it's scary and uncomfortable to deal with not wanting to go out, it would be a lot easier now, before you end up feeling trapped in your home all the time. Have you talked to your pdoc specifically about not being able to leave the apartment alone?

[ErinBear]

Hi Lexicon,

I, too, hope you can talk with somebody about the feelings you are having of wanting to stay in your apartment so much, and not wanting to leave. Whether you talk to your PDoc or somebody else, it sounds like that is very important to me to discuss, so I hope you will. I'm not sure from your description if you just aren't interested in leaving your home, or if it feels scary to leave your home. But one way or another, it sounds like that's something that's really important to discuss with a trusted person.

Please take gentle care of yourself at this hard time......

Take care,
ErinBear

[Hopefull]

I hope you find a way to get help. Panic attack can be with agoraphobia. I suspect if I had panic attacks, I would be afraid of social/work situations mostly. You mentioned panic attacks in partial due to lots of people. Can you find a smaller partial group that focuses more on people with panic attacks in social situations. I know that too many people makes me uncomfortable. I have a preference for few people or plenty of room for my personal space due to my odd inability to do face recognition. I would try to talk to someone. Is there a number for you to call and talk to someone at your counselor's office? Can they find a way to call you on the day of appointments? I can understand forgetting appointments. I sometimes lose my sense of hope and lose the ability to plan ahead. I have a friend that has been known to miss appointments because he has trouble keeping track of the days of the week. I have almost zoned myself into being late to work. So, I would ask if you are zoning your days a way? Are you avoiding something? Are you afraid when you leave home? Lack of motivation? Or is it a simple lack of planning ahead ability? Are you really just losing track of time and the days?

[Lexicon78]

Well, mostly I'm afraid to go out because I think someone's gonna kill, rape, or hurt me in other ways. I used to feel that way a lot but then I was in this intensive partial program and that helped a lot. Most of the time now I have no desire to go out because I just don't feel like it mostly. I actually do like being cooped up in the house all the time and I never have the desire to go out unless it's to my dad's house.

Unfortunately we don't have any other types of programs available in my area. At least not unless I drove myself...and I don't have a car, license, etc. So that would be impossible. Actually, I started looking for other counseling services in my county last night because I'm not getting any help at all.

Both me and my bf go to this partial program but on different days. To give you an idea of how lame it is...on Wednesday group therapy was about what everyone did over the weekend. Somebody please tell me how that's supposed to be therapeutic???