HMM, WONDERING WHAT TO THINK

I have been in therapy several times now in the last 6 years..My first T dx me with DIDNOS/PTSD...did art therapy which revealed some childhood things, but then my insurance co. said I could no longer see him bc he was a LSW and not LCSW...I couldn't afford the sliding fee...went to a psych.to get some meds and she said that I had avoidant personality dis. and gave me meds that totally freaked me out...saw another T who said that I was a co-dependent and that I needed to get over the past...she demanded that I go on meds because I had SI'd after 20 years of not doing that...she said that I was suic...she refused to see me again unless i went on meds...so found another T who said that I had "borderline" tendancies and saw him for almost 10 months...I was also seeing a nurse practioner and was on lamictal.. My T cursed at me, and made me feel horrible...my sessions with him were only 15 to 20 minutes long,(which my insurance co, says was totally wrong) but I did not want to quit... in my last session with him, he told me to leave because I was not talking..he told me to come back when I had something real to say..so I disengaged from therapy with him and the nurse practioner disengaged from me bc I was no longer in treatment..went off the meds, and have waited over a year to try again...but I am so scared to try again..how do I know whom to trust, and when is it right?...I need help but am so very afraid...I know that I have failed in my previous attempts at therapy and take responsibility for that..my head is so messed up, whom do you trust? how do you know? I have been abused my whole life, first by parents, then husband, and then pastor..will I ever know what is healthy for me? how do you know who is safe? I had an initial consultation with a psychologist 2 weeks ago, but am too afraid and confused to go back again...it feels wrong, but not sure why..should I just quit and do this on my own? know there are no real answers out there...having a really sad night tonight...and trying to sort it all out...

(((hugs))) It isn't your responsibility -- all that--- you know?

If I were you, I'd go with what worked... your first T dx'd you with PTSD and DID NOS. Try and take the reins this time when selecting your next T. Interview him/her... ask what they think of a diagnosis, do they "believe in" DID, can they "do" the type of therapy your first T did/does? (Why not try it again, it seemed to work.)

What did that session with the new psychologist give you a sense of -- fear, hope, anger, frustration???? Your doctor is a consultant that YOU hire to help YOU figure things out. Get some rest, I know for a fact that trying to sort things out without sleep doesn't keep the "whites from the colors."

Kit, I think that Sky gave you some good advice there. Next time interview your therapist and remember that they are working for you. It can take several tries to find the right one and get the help that you need.

I'm not sure that diagnosis matters a huge amount as long as you and your therapist set goals that are appropriate for you. A lot of those diagnoses you mentioned have some similar symptoms. In particular, dissociation and difficulty with relationships are common themes. Does that feel right to you?

It's hard to tell who you can really trust when you have a history of abuse. I've been slowly working through a book by Charles L. Whitfield, titled "A Gift to Myself." He has another one that is also good, "Healing the Child Within." This book has a chart showing characteristics of safe and unsafe people:

Safe:
listen to you
hear you
make eye contact
accept the real you
validate the real you
nonjudgmental
are real with you
clear
boundaries appropriate and clear
direct
no triangles
supportive
loyal
relationship authentic

Unsafe:
don't listen
don't hear
no eye contact
reject the real you
invalidate the real you
judgmental
false with you
unclear
boundaries unclear, messages mixed
indirect
triangle - in others
competitive
betray
relationship feels contrived

You are not at fault for the mixed diagnosises -

Sounds like the diagnosing was not done by having a comprehensive Psychological evaluation done.

Part of the conflicting diagnosing comes from how the mental health field changes their diagnostic criteria. Then sometimes agencies have different things according to the county and state laws for example here this state does not recognize certain disorders depending on the persons age, and some insurances wont pay for therapy for some disorders for example here for people under the age of 18 the term Schizophrenia is not recognized. Those that have the diagnostic criteria for it recieve about 5 different labels so as to cover all that is needed to maintain and treat that person with the correct treatment plan for Schizophrenia without calling it Schizophrenia.

Confusing I know but that the life of living on HMO's and so on.

To start with whatever psychologist or psychiatrist you have request a comprehensive psychological Evaluation with suplimental tests for DID. When those results come back you will know what your exact diagnosis is on the diagnostic axis I, II, III, IV and GAF.

Then no matter what therapy professional you have you will recieve the correct treatment plan

As for the actual completing therapyand having a great therapy experience well all I can say to that is a person gets out of therapy what they put into it.

Before starting therapy sit down and decide what you your problems are and some ideas of how to accomplish solving those problems and what you are willing to do and not do for therapy. This will come in handy for your first month or so of appointments. those appointments are for getting to know each other and work on setting down your therapy goals to be completed during therapy. after that its a matter of you completing those goals.

Good luck.

Thank you so very much for all of your wisdom...I tend to feel inferior here(because of me I know) and your responses really help me...I even printed them off, to guide me...sending sincere and heartfelt thanks to you...my initial feeling with him is that he is soft-spoken and gentle...and I don't like that...do not trust it...seems so fake to me, and not real...weak and scary..intellectually, I understand why I feel this way, but emotionally it still affects me...thank you for caring and responding...it truly helps.. if safe and ok...

Thanks for the and you're welcome. Im glad I could help. I used to feel inferior on the subject too but then 20 plus years of bouncing in and out of therapy and taking psych courses in college I somehow picked up and retained all this info that at times I spout off about. I can't spell worth beans some days but yet I can rattle off psych info by the book fulls that has at times amazed, confused and rattled many a therapy professionals in my long line of 19 therpay professional. Sometimes knowing all I do gets me into trouble like try taking a comprehensive psychological evaluation after taking a psych course that included the ins and outs and between the lines of the tests, what each type of question was looking for and which ones are valitiy scales and and and... LOL or your therapist is trying to stear the conversation and you see where the conversation is leading and can effectively block by saying alot but saying nothing at all at the same time. Sometimes I actually wish I wasn't so knowledgeable about some things.

Hang in there.

I don't think that quitting all together is a good idea though i do believe that it is very important to find a good fit... maybe you could try looking for a therapist or a counselor that specializes in abuse.... Try talking to your primary care doc to see if they can recomend any one good...

Hope this helps some,
Jason