(trigger for mention of sui)

My. T. Finally. Got. It.

A few weeks ago, T said something in session that TOTALLY UNDID ME. It was absolutely the closest I've ever come to ending it all. I really didn't know I could feel that terrified and defeated and hopeless. T saw me fall apart and he saw the aftermath.

He started checking on me, which he's never done in all of our years of therapy. He called me a few times, and he provided a huge chunk of time one afternoon so I could come in and see him whenever I could find time in the middle of a busy day I was having. And I did manage to go in, and he checked on me a couple more times after that. Which I needed, because I was SO not in a safe place.

And HE FINALLY GETS IT. He said something shifted, and he "woke up" and that he sees everything completely differently now. He said he was a bad therapist this winter and spring, and that the part that makes him sad is that I am the person who really got hurt by it.

He said that he sees how much everything that happened paralleled my childhood in the eeriest way. He said that he gets how scary it's been for me, and how scary it must be for me now to try to learn to trust him again. He's apologized, and owned his part, and admitted that he made some big, serious mistakes.

When I see him in session, I can ask him questions about what happened this winter and spring and he answers totally honestly. He bought something for my little part to replace something in his office that was sort of "taken" from her during all of the mess.

He told me the other day that I had been through a lot this year, that all of the badness of what was happening had been dumped on me, and that he hated that and wishes he could redo it. He said that's the thing that makes him the saddest of all, and the most regretful, and that he wants to do whatever we need to do to "clean up the mess".

I'm shaking typing this because its just so so so huge. Because it feels really real, and true.

I spent all of these months trying to do the right thing and being trapped in a situation that was completely out of my control. I tried to tell T what was going on and he just couldn't hear me. There was no one who I could turn to for help.

And now, all of a sudden, I am BELIEVED. I am seen, and heard. I am cared for. It was like living through the darkness of my childhood all over again, but having it turn out differently this time...which I really never expected to happen. But it's happening.

I'm still wary and we still have a lot of work to do, but I can really feel the difference with T. I can tell that he finally, FINALLY gets it.

Its almost too big to wrap my mind around, and we are moving forward one baby step at a time. But we are moving forward.

He finally believes me.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by nightsky

(trigger for mention of sui)

My. T. Finally. Got. It.

A few weeks ago, T said something in session that TOTALLY UNDID ME. It was absolutely the closest I've ever come to ending it all. I really didn't know I could feel that terrified and defeated and hopeless. T saw me fall apart and he saw the aftermath.

He started checking on me, which he's never done in all of our years of therapy. He called me a few times, and he provided a huge chunk of time one afternoon so I could come in and see him whenever I could find time in the middle of a busy day I was having. And I did manage to go in, and he checked on me a couple more times after that. Which I needed, because I was SO not in a safe place.

And HE FINALLY GETS IT. He said something shifted, and he "woke up" and that he sees everything completely differently now. He said he was a bad therapist this winter and spring, and that the part that makes him sad is that I am the person who really got hurt by it.

He said that he sees how much everything that happened paralleled my childhood in the eeriest way. He said that he gets how scary it's been for me, and how scary it must be for me now to try to learn to trust him again. He's apologized, and owned his part, and admitted that he made some big, serious mistakes.

When I see him in session, I can ask him questions about what happened this winter and spring and he answers totally honestly. He bought something for my little part to replace something in his office that was sort of "taken" from her during all of the mess.

He told me the other day that I had been through a lot this year, that all of the badness of what was happening had been dumped on me, and that he hated that and wishes he could redo it. He said that's the thing that makes him the saddest of all, and the most regretful, and that he wants to do whatever we need to do to "clean up the mess".

I'm shaking typing this because its just so so so huge. Because it feels really real, and true.

I spent all of these months trying to do the right thing and being trapped in a situation that was completely out of my control. I tried to tell T what was going on and he just couldn't hear me. There was no one who I could turn to for help.

And now, all of a sudden, I am BELIEVED. I am seen, and heard. I am cared for. It was like living through the darkness of my childhood all over again, but having it turn out differently this time...which I really never expected to happen. But it's happening.

I'm still wary and we still have a lot of work to do, but I can really feel the difference with T. I can tell that he finally, FINALLY gets it.

Its almost too big to wrap my mind around, and we are moving forward one baby step at a time. But we are moving forward.

He finally believes me.

Wow! Oh, nightsky, I am so glad you and T (particularly T) have been able to get to this place from where you can continue. Being able to talk about it and him getting finally is so good! I can hear your relief.

It makes perfect sense that you are wary. He has to earn your trust again, and in the meantime you will be wary and cautious because that is the way you will protect yourself from the possibility of being hurt so badly again.

He did screw up royally, but he was also dedicated to you and that shows in the work he did on this, his analysis of his own stuff, and his checking on you and providing the time you needed. That might be one good thing upon which to rebuild the base of trust again.

What a huge relief for you!

Nightsky,

I am so happy for you. I can understand the wary feelings but you are moving forward and baby steps are great steps...

Maybe the horribleness of last year will somehow lead to something great!

Thinking and praying for you.

RTS

Oh, nightsky! I cannot tell you how happy for you I am. What an amazing feeling that must be.

[velcro003]

that is FANTASTIC to hear!!! i am SO PROUD of you for sticking through it. Seriously. And yay for T for finally getting it.

[unaluna]

I am so glad to hear this. somebody else here said. hearing their T take responsibility wa so healing.

[0w6c379]

[quote=nightsky;2639931](trigger for mention of sui)

My. T. Finally. Got. It.

And HE FINALLY GETS IT. He said something shifted, and he "woke up" and that he sees everything completely differently now. He said he was a bad therapist this winter and spring, and that the part that makes him sad is that I am the person who really got hurt by it.

He's apologized, and owned his part, and admitted that he made some big, serious mistakes.

He told me the other day that I had been through a lot this year, that all of the badness of what was happening had been dumped on me, and that he hated that and wishes he could redo it. He said that's the thing that makes him the saddest of all, and the most regretful, and that he wants to do whatever we need to do to "clean up the mess".
--------------------------------------------------------------------

This is the BEST news I have heard in a long, long time. I am so glad that your T has admitted he made some serious mistakes with you. This is HUGE and I mean HUGE. Professionals (and I'm referring to dr.'s, teachers, etc.) today are so worried about lawsuits (and rightfully so) that they cannot admit to any mistakes. How can any of us learn right from wrong, if there is no one to set an example for us? Clearly, many of us seeking therapy have made mistakes with others (including ourselves). We need to forgive our T's for their mistakes (I can't believe I just said that since I was blaming mine for something trivial...you have caught me with your post). I am so happy for you. Now you will really be able to get his insights on what is really going on with you.

Congratulations to your T for standing up and doing the right thing! AND Congratulations to YOU Nightsky for hanging in there and NOT giving up on a great T!!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Wow, and mean Wow! How healing that must have been. I used to tell my xT that it's not being triggered that matters, it is how the therapist handles things after the patient is triggered/hurt. I am so glad that your T realized what had been happening and it sounds like he corrected it beautifully. I'm so glad things changed for the good

[SallyBrown]

I am SO glad to read this Nightsky! SO glad! Ah that is so great!! I'm sure the hard work is far from over, but this must be such a relief to have this moment right now. Really happy for you

[googley]

(((((((((((((nightsky)))))))))))))

[rainbow8]

Your post made me VERY happy, nightsky. I know how horrible it has been for you, and I'm extremely glad that your T finally understands and has owned his mistakes. I hope the road is all uphill from now on!!!!

[roads]

Finally FINALLY!! How good you are one persevering soul, nightsky ... most in therapy wouldn't have survived. You are both lucky * hugs galore *
I'm so relieved and grateful for you.
Roadie

[elliemay]

I am glad things appeared to have resolved a bit with your therapist.

I don't necessarily want to stir the pot here, but aren't you a little angry? I know I would be. Perhaps even quite angry?

I think you are entitled to that for sure. It's not been easy for you *at all*.

Maybe we are just different, for me, there would be a strong conflict between gratitude and anger.

A certain amount of ambivalence.

Peace

Originally Posted by elliemay

I don't necessarily want to stir the pot here, but aren't you a little angry? I know I would be. Perhaps even quite angry?

I think you are entitled to that for sure. It's not been easy for you *at all*.

THis is actually something I've been thinking about. I think because of my history, I'm used to being treated a certain way and when it stops, there is just RELIEF. Not anger. And I do wonder if "anger" is sort of the normal response to this kind of thing.

I'm scared of being angry. I'm scared it will make the bad stuff start again.

I definitely WAS angry. My anger is part of what finally made T see what was going on.

I don't know. I'm glad you brought it up, though.