[elysia]

I want so badly to have a safe, trusting relationship with my T. I had this with my first T. I could actually go in her office and cry and show my emotions, which was magical for me, as I usually bottle things up. But this T is not so warm like the last one was. She doesn't use any physical contact. She also doesn't answer my emails like first T, or writes one brief sentence which comes across as sounding cold. In sessions she can seem cold to me. She doesn't say much positive about me and her questions are very "therapy focussed"--not much small talk etc. I also don't know the first thing about her, whether she is married or has kids.... it's not that I need to know that, but feeling like she is a robot makes me have a difficult time opening up to her. I have searched so long for a T I feel like I don't have the money time or willpower to keep looking.... is this a breaking point? Do I need to look for another T or do I stick it out with Robot?

[Wren_]

hi, a few questions if that's ok?

how long have you been with this t ... and have you discussed the coldness with her?

some t's really don't seem to realise how cold they can come across; bizarre though that sounds

[missbelle]

If you feel brave enough to discuss it and you don't get a satisfactory answer, you might want to find another "t".

It might be the way "t" is and she can't change her personality! Some clients may like that but it doesn't work for you! You are the important one, and you need to find a "t" that meets your needs!

[elysia]

Thank you both so much for taking the time to answer, really appreciate it! I've discussed her coldness in a roundabout way. I've told her I like to know a bit about my Ts because I don't like them to seem like robots. I've also mentioned that warmth and empathy were qualities that two ppl I've worked with (first T and also body work T) had that made our relationship work. You're right though, maybe I can bring it up again. I should mention that she seems like too much of a blank slate for me to open up to. It would take guts. In the past she's told me that she's felt like I'm tying her hands and she can't do her job. She's also said along the lines you have, that she can't change her personality. I'll wait a bit because she's sick right now and hasn't been able to see me for the past couple of weeks. Usually her answers about the subject end up feeling triggering to me, and like she wants me to leave her. Sigh. I wish she was someone she is not.

[elysia]

Oh and to answer your question tigerigrl.... I've been seeing this T for about 6 months or so.

OH she does indeed sound like a robot or robocop lol. I have seen three ts and two of them have been cold and distant with no small touch and no small talk, these two did not work out for me as I need someone who is human and understands feelings, not a robot, thats what my computer is for... telling all my secrets and getting nothing in return only a blank screen.
DO you know what her speciality is, humanistic, gestalt, cbt?
I know humanistic are very kind and caring. I like this kind the best.

I personally cant deal with a robot and if it isn't working for you , you should try to find a human before more time goes by.

[~EnlightenMe~]

It sounds like you should try another therapist. You can talk to your T and tell her that you are thinking about this because you have difficulty with the blank slate. Best of luck to you!

[adel34]

I'm so sorry you're going through this!
I know exactly what you mean. After I recently moved from another state, I had to leave a t that I had an amazing relationship with. For the first time I truly felt safe opening up, (though sometimes I needed a lot of encouragement from her to do this) and cry, and do all the things I usually don't do because I keep a lot hidden. She did hug a lot, and would hold my hand or even hold me in her lap.
I'm just starting with a new t. I don't know how things will go, we'll see. I know it'll be different, and she might not be as warm as first t.
To me the connection is so so important. I think things like the e-mail thing are controversial and not deal breaking things, but if you in general feel like she's a "robot" and you can't connect with her then how can you ever do the work needed to heal?
Even though it's hard, I would consider looking for someone else if you can. Please keep us updated. If you want PM me and we can talk more on this.

[suzzie]

your t sounds just like mine.

Of course different things work for different people - nothing in your description sounds like your T is a bad T as such, but her methods don't seem to work for you which is the only important thing here. It's perfectly fine to look for a different T if the one you are seeing works in a way that doesn't chime with you.

[elysia]

Thank you so much, all of you. I am really touched by all the responses. It's late right now so I want more time to think and process this, but will get back and let y'all know how it works out. Thanks so much....

One thing that confuses me is she does genuinely try to help. When I bring up an issue like flashbacks or anxiety she gives me tips about what to do (even though they haven't really worked lol)). There are times where she can be warm. But on the other hand, I don't know the first thing about her or her personality and that makes it difficult for me personally to open up or trust her.

How does one find a humanistic therapist? Mine is an EMDR therapist who says her whole approach is from an EMDR perspective. And also eclectic techniques.

Originally Posted by elysia

I want so badly to have a safe, trusting relationship with my T. I had this with my first T. I could actually go in her office and cry and show my emotions, which was magical for me, as I usually bottle things up. But this T is not so warm like the last one was. She doesn't use any physical contact. She also doesn't answer my emails like first T, or writes one brief sentence which comes across as sounding cold. In sessions she can seem cold to me. She doesn't say much positive about me and her questions are very "therapy focussed"--not much small talk etc. I also don't know the first thing about her, whether she is married or has kids.... it's not that I need to know that, but feeling like she is a robot makes me have a difficult time opening up to her. I have searched so long for a T I feel like I don't have the money time or willpower to keep looking.... is this a breaking point? Do I need to look for another T or do I stick it out with Robot?

I too had a therapist like that many years ago - a robot that I could't even find the darn remote to. She was awful compared to my new therapist of seven months. She dumped me, and I was devastated for many years. I hobbled myself together to raise my child, and stayed away from therapy until recently. Went to family therapy, and am now doing individual therapy with her.

She shares her life. She answers all my questions. She holds me and rocks me when I cry, she holds me just because I ask, and now is willing to say, "I love you." I never new there were therapist out there that practice this way. I've only worked with classically trained psychiatrist and psychologist in the past - none that ever provided me with their remote control.

It's worth it to find a therapist that will give you what you believe you need to heal. I know now that I could never go back to a therapist that does not provide unconditional touch. And will answer most all my emails.

I had a couple of (temporary!) robot therapists..i could not stand it and didnt stay with them more than a session or a few. I just cant deal with that whole blank slate thing. My current t is sooooo into feelings that she shares alot with me, shes cried with me and stuff, and she gives lots of hugs and says i love you. She is much more my style, and i am the same way myself. If she were just a robot i would never had made this much progress.
You might could look at different t profiles on psychologytoday.com... I know they often list their style and their beliefs there (under therapist finder) If you need someone less robotic, i hope you can definitely find somebody

[QuietCat]

My T is very closed and blank slate too. He still seems genuinely warm and kind towards me though, so I haven't let it get to me that I don't know much about him. I don't even know if he's married, and I've been seeing him going on two years. He's very much about CBT, and from what I understand, cognitive therapy T's tend to be less about touchy feely emotion and more about thinky thoughts.

Once we were talking about my trust issues and he asked if I trust him and considered him kind. I gave a tentative yes, but that I don't actually KNOW him, so I couldn't say for sure. To which he replied, "No, you don't know me outside my role here, and that's how it has to be. I can't be your friend." So I"m always reluctant to ask him anything personal at all.

Every so often I'll get tidbits of information on his life outside the T role, and I memorize it. I do wonder how different I would feel towards him if I knew more about him.

I think T's should at least be warm and kind feeling, even if they are a blank slate otherwise.