[autotelica]

Today I talked to my mother on the phone. I didn't go to work today because I am sick with a bad cold.

The first thing my mother said to me:

"What did you do to catch a cold?"

I immediately told her that this is a freakin' bizarre question to ask someone! What I didn't say is that this is a perfect example of how she irrationally and annoyingly lays blame where none is deserved. I wish I had the guts to tell her this, but instead I just listened to her explain herself. Apparently my mother, who I consider fairly educated, still subscribes to the school of thought that teaches that one can catch a cold by dressing inappropriately for the weather. So I told her no, I caught my cold just like everyone else does. I simply contracted a virus.

I just wanted my own mother to express a little bit of sympathy, so this whole exchange annoyed me and made me regret making the phone call. I immediately thought of my therapist. My therapist is not a perfect person either, to be fair. She has had her graceless moments as well. But I don't think she would have blamed me for being sick. I think she would have immediately expressed sympathy and asked if I was doing okay. Especially since she would remember that I live alone and have no one else to ask that question.

But now I'm thinking that if I didn't have a therapist, maybe my mother's minor thoughtlessness wouldn't have even registered on my radar? Maybe I would have just come up with a funny one-liner and not have given it a second thought? Before I met my therapist, my mother was the only person I would talk to about "stuff". Sometimes she would make things better; most times she did not, despite her efforts. But her failures at making everything better didn't matter because she was all I had. I made do with what she able to provide and took care of the slack.

But now I have someone whose job is to always know the "right" thing to say. I have a choice of whom to turn to. It is hard for me not to draw comparisons that always put my mother in the inferior position. It is hard for me to pretend to be satisfied with my mother's pleadings for me to just "trust in the Lord" when my therapist actually gives me practical advice. And she doesn't make me feel like I've done something wrong. I know how to accept blame even when it's not my fault. My therapist seems to recognize this. My mother doesn't.

I feel guilty for keeping myself away from my mother when I'm so open and relaxed with my therapist--so that the latter knows me a trillion times better than the former does. And I feel guilty for wishing my mother would measure up to the standards set by someone she doesn't even know, when I know she's only trying her best.

Has anyone else ever experienced having a sense of betrayal by connecting with their therapist so well?

I hear you!i think that having a great therapist has certainly raised my expectations for how other people around me could act/ talk/ interact with me. It makes me wish i had some caring people around that were like my t.

I think if our mothers were as empathetic as our T's then there wouldn't be a problem. The fact they're not is the real issue & not the "good"relationship with another.

[healed84]

I think your T is teaching you how to be treated properly.. So, you notice when you aren't being treated right. That may causes issues with your relationships, but that is their own fault, not yours! T is doing her job, I think!

[Asiablue]

I don't think having a good relationship with your therapist can ever be a bad thing. But i totally get the guilty feelings that come from feeling more supported and comforted by your T than your own mother!

I try not to worry too much about it tho. I am getting what i need from someone because my mother couldn't provide it.

[unaluna]

yeah, auto, somehow you missed the part where you messed up your life cuz you got involved with someone like mom, who you think you're in love with, but who really you're just addicted to the few times he/she doesn't put you down - you feel like you've succeeded in curing mama! you haven't, though. mom has access to T's just like you do - she chooses not to take it. They threw us away, for whatever reason - well, that's my story, maybe not yours. Maybe it was too hard for them. We don't have to live down to their limitations. It IS guilt-inducing, but try looking at the situation as an outsider - it is not how you, looking in, would advise you; ie, to hold yourself back. P.s. my mother's answer would be, you caught a cold by eating at a restaurant, didn't you?! That's why I don't talk to her. Everything I do, or have ever done, is wrong. She was completely hands-off, so it wasn't "her fault". Eff that.

[mixedup_emotions]

One of the things I like best about my T is healthy modeling of behavior. Sure, he's not perfect...but it gives me a different perspective on how I want to be treated. Unfortunately, my family falls very, very short. They are judgmental, accusatory and self-righteous. I always knew that my distance from my family came from how badly I felt about myself around them....cuz they were always putting me down.

But what being in T is teaching me is to not allow those things to happen to me anymore. I stood up to my mom and my niece the other day for this very thing - they were being judgmental and rude to my daughter because of their own opinion, trying to make her feel bad....And I went at them like a spider monkey.....OK, so maybe I should've have been so harsh towards them - but, it was progress for me to defend myself and demand better treatment.

As an aside, I hope you feel better soon! I am miserable with a bad cold as well, and it sux.....(( HUGS ))

[autotelica]

Thanks, everyone.

I think the guilt arises because my mother is a loving, well-intentioned mother. The implicit blaming that she does is very annoying, but that's pretty low on the Bad Mothering Scale.

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by autotelica

Today I talked to my mother on the phone. I didn't go to work today because I am sick with a bad cold.

The first thing my mother said to me:

"What did you do to catch a cold?"

But now I'm thinking that if I didn't have a therapist, maybe my mother's minor thoughtlessness wouldn't have even registered on my radar?
............... But her failures at making everything better didn't matter because she was all I had. I made do with what she able to provide and took care of the slack.

I feel guilty for keeping myself away from my mother when I'm so open and relaxed with my therapist--so that the latter knows me a trillion times better than the former does. And I feel guilty for wishing my mother would measure up to the standards set by someone she doesn't even know, when I know she's only trying her best.

Has anyone else ever experienced having a sense of betrayal by connecting with their therapist so well?

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Ha! I thought all mothers blamed their kids for "catching" a cold. "Did you go out without a coat? Without a hat?" I got that too. I definitely did something wrong. There were plenty of other things I did wrong too. I just presumed this was her way of being a good mom. She was trying to make me "better". After the blame game then it would be "have some soup", "take an aspirin", "have you seen the dr.?" All said with good intentions (my mom passed some yrs ago). I think it is GREAT you found a good T who can help you. Your mom is your mom, I cannot compare the two. I don't see the point in pulling away from your mom. Maybe your T can help you to deal with her more appropriately. I used to try and let my mom have her say then do what I thought was best anyway. NOT that I never spoke up for myself because I did. We had words all the time. My feelings are to see your T for the best advice and let your mom "think" she is there for you. Maybe try to redirect the conversation away from blaming you for things. There must be other topics where you have something in common (like a TV show, news item, what has SHE been up to?, etc.). Find something else to talk about other than your own life.

You ask about feeling betrayed. I felt betrayed way before seeing my T. That was partly the reason I sought therapy, to find someone on my side. I wonder if you did too? All the best and thanks for the interesting post.