[keepingalice]

Early on my therapist said I needed help. I refused to believe. I felt fine. My husband wanted me to go get help. So I did. The therapist kept telling me to come back to talk, which I did, but I wouldn't talk. He said I was playing hide and go seek. Then one day the dam burst and I couldn't stop talking...It is now starting five years with the same therapist. There have been stints in day hospitals, which flopped because I started an argument and the group counselor sided with the other girl and I never went back. I always go back to see this therapist even though I hate going to talk to him. Actually, I never talk when I am in the room so he calls me. I can talk freely if no one is looking at me. I know I had a bout of depression which Cymbalta lifted me out. Then there was anxiety which lorazapam halted. Now I feel I am back in high school dealing with issues that plagued me then but never got help for and it deals with schizo like thoughts and feelings and paranoia. I do like to hide socially but then when I am alone I freak out at the thoughts that run through my head. I am afraid I will end up going down that rabbit hole if I lose touch...so I email my therapist constantly. I am wearing him out and so he told me to find outside support which I did by coming here. Still last night I emailed him three times because I couldn't sleep, couldn't get out of bed to get on my computer, so I grabbed my Iphone and started typing everything that was in my head. When I go back to reread it I will be embarrassed I shared some of that with him. Therapists are saints and mine deserves every penny he's paid. Maybe they should lock me up and take away my phone! Oh yes, I cannot open my front door, even to neighbors...am I shizo?

NO you are not Schizo Keepingalice!
Your therapist is doing his job and very well by the sound of it. Did it help to write out everything that is in your head? Maybe you could do this instead of writing to T all the time. But if you were bothering him he would have stopped all email privilages after a while- not five years later.
If you were wearing him out it is his job to keep the proper boundaries in place so he won't burn out.
Sometimes our feelings just seem to much and we need to reach out to someone just to be heard or for clarification- there is nothing wrong with this or you.

[CantExplain]

What makes you think you are "schizo"? It sounds to me like you are just scared.

(By the way, we're not supposed to diagnose each other. House rules.)

[Wren_]

hi ... that's a lot going on for you right now in the time with your T have they ever given you a diagnosis or have you asked them about your fears of schizophrenia?
like cantexplain said we can't diagnose; and just as well or there could be a lot of scary incorrect diagnoses flying around the place; but your T should hopefully be able to help you with this

[retro_chic]

If you want to know what your diagnoses is, ask your T. He may or may not tell you but it is always worth a go. I asked my T and I am glad I did but it didn't really solve anything. I have also found that most people don't neatly fall into one category or another - mental illnesses overlap and it common to have traits from a number of them but not meet the criteria for a full diagnoses. From what you have said in your post, it doesn't seem like you are "schizo" to me just really anxious/scared. I am obviously not an expert though so best to have a chat with T about it Take care!

[keepingalice]

(By the way, we're not supposed to diagnose each other. House rules.)[/quote]

must have missed that...i only hear what I want to hear, only see what I want to see, only believe what I want to believe! but thanks for letting me know.

[keepingalice]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

If you want to know what your diagnoses is, ask your T. He may or may not tell you but it is always worth a go. I asked my T and I am glad I did but it didn't really solve anything. I have also found that most people don't neatly fall into one category or another - mental illnesses overlap and it common to have traits from a number of them but not meet the criteria for a full diagnoses. From what you have said in your post, it doesn't seem like you are "schizo" to me just really anxious/scared. I am obviously not an expert though so best to have a chat with T about it Take care!

He was going to let me see what he was writing down, after I noticed that he was writing something, but I didnt want to see what he was writing. I do not feel sick but I do feel anxious all the time about everything. I do not think I would believe him even if he gave me a diagnosis so maybe that is why he refuses to say anything. At one point he said GAD, and I told him I could be BPD, but he said nothing about that after. I get to the point where I am so done with this, and I quit, and he allows that, but then I feel pulled back into talking because something else is bothering me and he graciously listens to my ramblings. It all just makes me want to scream and I am screaming inside...the sound just never makes it out.

[keepingalice]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

hi ... that's a lot going on for you right now in the time with your T have they ever given you a diagnosis or have you asked them about your fears of schizophrenia?
like cantexplain said we can't diagnose; and just as well or there could be a lot of scary incorrect diagnoses flying around the place; but your T should hopefully be able to help you with this

I never mentioned the schizophrenia. i did suggest BPD to him and he never answered. He says I have alot to talk about...but when he brings any of it up I retreat and say I am fine. I am definately scared, anxious, fearful, paranoid, on high alert, confused, etc... Sometimes I just want to give up. I did say I like the feelings I get sometimes even though they trouble me. It can be a natural high that gives me fodder for my writings. I guess I can be my own muse....its like taking a trip without the drugs.

[keepingalice]

Originally Posted by button30

NO you are not Schizo Keepingalice!
Your therapist is doing his job and very well by the sound of it. Did it help to write out everything that is in your head? Maybe you could do this instead of writing to T all the time. But if you were bothering him he would have stopped all email privilages after a while- not five years later.
If you were wearing him out it is his job to keep the proper boundaries in place so he won't burn out.
Sometimes our feelings just seem to much and we need to reach out to someone just to be heard or for clarification- there is nothing wrong with this or you.

I want to think there is nothing wrong but if that was the case what am I doing here? Thanks for making me feel better though. He does do a good job of keeping boundaries. I hate that he wants to listen to me. No one has ever cared about me as much as he has. I always wonder just how far I can push him, but I am afraid to lose him so I always play fair with him. I did push him once, well it wasn't me, but rachael, and he liked talking to her, what guy wouldn't, but when I called him on it, he said he couldn't talk to me anymore and I was furious. After a few months, somehow I was able to interact with him again and lately he keeps asking to talk to rachael and I flat out say no. I am the one who needs help, not her. Okay, so maybe I am going off the deep end, but who wouldn't after what I have been through. Just trying to make sense of the tangled mess in my head.

[keepingalice]

Thank you everyone for replying. This gives me plenty to think about. I just worry about everything and I needed to release some of the thoughts from my head and see what others thought. As far as why I am afraid of going down the rabbit hole again stems from my high school years. I got to the point where I acted like I was Marie Antoinette and cared nothing about no one to keep me safe. Its weird how when it happened I had no clue what was going on, but now 20 some years later it is as plain as day. Long story and eventually maybe I will share...just not sure if I should. That is certainly new for me, to not be so impulsive with complete strangers.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by keepingalice

I want to think there is nothing wrong but if that was the case what am I doing here?

Most therapy patients are neurotic, which I interpret to mean they are troubled and have damaging habits of thought but do not require medication, They may over-react, under-react, have emotional blind spots or obsessions, but they don't hallucinate and generally want to be good people.

That's just my personal view, however.