Control of yourself in Therapy

How is a can exploding not chaos? And if they are as tragic as I anticipate? I don't think I feel unsafe.

I think mine are flexible yet controlled. Unknown can be not necessarily a threat. Therapy I believe is unsafe by definition.
And yes, no worries.

ah, but that's not control. It's very often a self-harm.

wow, how much does yr T charge for that?
And is there a client after you? and if so, how does that work out (the next person having to wait however long you may feel like running over into their appointment time)?

I don't think so. I believe it puts all the control with the client. To play or not. Take the ball and go home. The ball belongs to the client. Without the client, the therapist is nothing.

This question is kinda hard for me to wrap my head around.

When I think of self-control, I automatically think of my tics and adventitious movements. Outside of therapy, in front of other people, I work very hard to keep myself contained and for the most part, I am successful. But when I'm with my therapist, my guard drops and anything can happen. However, this is totally unconscious. I hate ticcing in front of her because I know how "normal" I typically act...so it feels like I'm malingering or something. I'd love to be able to control myself better.

Yet, I do like that I can tic in her presence and not drive her away. If I could not tic in front of her, then she would have no idea what I deal with and it would make communication harder. I suppose that in a round-about way, this has made us closer. But I'd like to think that my tics are not an essential ingredient in my attachment with my therapist.

As far as emotions go, I don't express myself very much in therapy. But I am not consciously holding myself back. I am just not very emotional. When I do cry, it's just a little isolated shower--not a thunder storm. If it happens, it happens. But I don't think I "control" my emotions. I don't think I'm inhibited emotionally...at least consciously.

I control what I say, though. I pride myself on never having said anything that I regretted later.

I haven't voted because I am not sure about the attachment part, but I rarely lose control, and even when I think that I am, I don't think anyone else can notice. I have a pretty good poker face.

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I feel somewhat in control on selecting a topic for discussion and my abiiity to walk out if I choose to. However, once I really get into my feelings the tears flow. I wonder if you, Lolacabana, are having trouble making the "deeper connection" you want with your T because you are keeping them at bay? You are so much in control that you are not letting T in. Have you tried to share a little bit of the hard stuff? Was there a bad reaction? You say the consequences would be horrific. Oh my, how bad could your T reaction be? It sounds like you like her and she must like you. You think she wouldn't accept hearing your pain?

I'm quoting you Lolacabana "On the other hand I think others, give all control away, as they too had a jacked up childhood and never had any control, and still believe that they have no control. These people tend to dump it all on T and have no trouble letting T in."

I take exception to your saying that the "others" (which is me) "dump it all on T". Is that what I'm doing when I go in to T and tell him my deepest feelings? I'm dumping on him? I thought that I was supposed to let him know my innermost feelings. When I do that, I can't help but cry. My T thinks it's good for me to let my feelings out with him. He usually just listens and makes a brief comment or two. He is comforting and accepting. Sometimes I feel worse when I leave and cry for another hour or more. Other times, I feel a little better. Like he cares and listens to me. He has never reacted badly to hearing my woes.

I think after 10 months of therapy, if you haven't dropped out by now, your T must have some qualities that you like. Why not try opening up a little and see how it goes? Believe me, if a few tears are shed, you can pull yourself back together again. If not, your T can help bring you back to a state of control (mine has). All the best to you.

Rubbish. The client has shown lack of control. And the therapist is still a therapist with or without that particular. Client. As I said, control is an illusion.

I have no connection with the T, and I am very in control of myself in the sessions.

When I think of being in control emotionally, I think of the struggle to contain feelings that often feel intolerable for some reason. And perhaps a wish to hide that response from others.

I certainly experienced the former; but I never felt the latter, which I think helped to secure my attachment to my T. I suspect that's why during my most fearful moments--moments when I completely believed that feelings could cause me to shatter-- I experienced the strongest feeling of connection.

What is helpful to me in my therapy is the ability to step back from my emotional reaction so that I can talk about it, explore it, take it apart and understand it.

This doesn't mean that I don't have emotional reactions, but that we use them to my advantage so I can learn more about myself.

It's been important for me to get to this place, so that I am not just reacting, reacting, reacting and nothing else. It took a while to be able to allow the reaction and then go back and take a look at it. My method of dealing with it was to bury it quickly and forget much about it; now I am okay with looking back or looking in the moment, and seeing what more it might be about than what I think.

We feel what we feel

My views are not rubbish just because you disagree. I stand by my statements. Of course the therapist still literally exists as a human and if it has other clients.

Being in control emotionally does not mean, as I am using the word/phrase, the feelings are not there. That is why I also use the word contained.

hm. maybe in some cases; but without therapy, where is the client who needs it? that's why I say 'self harm'.

You see the pattern sometimes here on PC (no criticism intended, anyone); when the material is just too hard to face, sometimes the client flees, and cuts off the r/l that was begun for their healing.
Sometimes the client can find the bravery to come back; sometimes not.

yes I know sometimes the client leaves because it's a wrong match. these are not the situations I am referring to.

Are you meaning something more like acceptable behavior then?

I have recently (outside of therapy!) been having an issue with behavior that is unacceptable to me and that is an due to an emotional reaction to something going on. Really is embarrassing and yet I can't seem to find that spot where I keep it from happening. It's like a water balloon bursting and there's just no way "back"...

I am in control, no connection as of yet. Therapy is only 1/168 of my week. I can't have it controlling the other 99.95% of it.

I feel I am in control, as in I am an active participant in my therapy, I am able to work through whatever thoughts and feelings and issues come up in session. That doesn't mean I don't cry or get upset; heck, I hyperventilated once, but generally I certainly don't feel out of control. I have a good connection with my therapist. Doesn't mean he doesn't piss me off from time to time, but even then it never turns into some kind of disconnect between us.

That is exactly what I am saying, I am in control and this causes me to not get emotional and hinders me from making the deeper connection. Yes we have talked about the hard stuff and I am able to do it , in depth and detail and no emotions. With XT , I trusted her then I dumped in on her and it was too much to fast and then we terminated, Once bitten twice shy.

First off, there is no need to take offense , as I was merely pointing out the polar opposite ends of a spectrum. My point is a certain amount of "dumping" needs to occur over the course of therapy, with time to process and repeat. But one must be willing to let their emotional guard down...otherwise to me it feels like going through the motions. I can talk about everything with him and still I manage to leave the emotion out of it.... like it wasn't me.

For me... I think that "control" "showing emotions" "attachment" are all dependent on who is talking. I personally have an issue with being vulnerable with other people or even with letting myself feel vulnerable when I'm alone. I don't drink or do drugs or even take pain killers (unless absolute horrible pain)..don't like anestesia...nothing...dont swim...don't do heights..don't like to be places I feel like i can't control leaving...

To me "losing control"... would mean showing emotions like tearing up...having t know I'm sad...it doesn't even have to progress to crying so yeah.. when I read these posts to this thread... I can tell that everyone has a personal definition of control, showing emotions and connection and attachment...so its hard to compare...

For me when I first started therapy, I had very high thick walls (defense mechanisms) around myself.. I had a personal definition of connected, attached... If I remove a small brick from my wall and look out at you. That is connection....

By the time I quit therapy with xT, (just shy of 2 years) I had windows....

I don't like the analogy of water... but I jumped in a few times with my xT... he was good about throwing me the life line to get back out but not good about taking about why I was floundering around in the water in a panic... anyway...thats off topic...

I know I hurt myself when I compare my connections/attachments to other peoples her on PC... mine may be just as connected or attached but my personality...past history, etc...not liking to concentrate on being vulnerable doesn't allow me to think, write about it as nice and sweet and appealing as some of the threads I read on here.

So I do feel like the times I've found the 20 sec of courage to jump in the water (felt like letting go of control) I did feel more connected to T.... but that usually led to fear and pulling back and the whole push pull of trusting people...

It is just complicated...

O yes it is.

I have told the therapist I was sad once. She said I did not show her. I have no idea what she meant. I am not going to cry and don't know what else would be "showing" sadness. Plus with her criticism of it, I have not had the urge to tell it again to her.

SD, my xT told me it was "creepy" that I could tell the most (to me) horrific hurtful thing that happened to me in the same facial expression and voice i would say I had scrambled eggs for breakfast.

He went on to explain that most people have their external facial expressions, voice inflections, etc that match their internal feelings...in other words they "express" their emotions... I told my T that he should just be happy that I would say the words...

That I was told my whole life to stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about... it was dangerous to let other people "see" how you felt... that I learned to shut down a long time ago... and it might take years or never to get that back.

She does not take insurance. She charges none of her clients when she goes over time, individuals, couples or families. For couples, and family she does 90 minutes and leaves 1/2 hour to 1 hour in between. If you are early she takes you right away and you gain extra time. I no longer feel a need for the extra time like in the beginning. For me she usually has a 3-4 hour time slot till her next client. Twice she has watched the clock when we were coming up on 90 minutes, and said we should save an important topic for the next session, because she wasn't sure if she could put me back together again before her next client. I did tell her I was affected by this. She explained that one client has a rotating schedule and it may need to happen on occasion. I'm sure she'll worn me at the beginning of the session next time and I will share my feelings with her when it happens. I'm hoping for a more mature feeling.

Her clients never seem to run into each other, and she does therapy till the hour or half hour. She is also willing to work weekends to accommodate her clients. I had a noon appt today, called her yesterday to push it back, and her response was well you tell me. I'm open any time after noon or anytime on Sunday. Yes, she does have a life, a full life. She just doesn't feel a need to pack her schedule with 8 -14 clients a day. She is far from rich. My scheduled session are never less than 2-4 hours, and extra sessions average about 1 1/2- 2 hours. I just left a session that lasted 2:38:00. As I get better, my needs and wants from her have lessened - I had a lot of break throughs this week - Still way to much contact for many on PC. I have moved through many years of therapy in 8 months. I use to send over a hundred emails a month. This week I sent 11, she responded to eight. Free emails and telephone contact are open to all her clients. She says not every client has the the same needs or wants, and it is very workable for her.

I usually leave 10-15 minutes before time is up and sometimes sooner, sometimes later. T will NEVER know when. I can be mid-sentence and get up and leave.

One day I'll let her tell me time is up

I assumed my face and voice did indicate it sufficiently.

The therapist very rarely tells me time is up. I watch the clock and at the time limit I stand up, put money on the table and walk out.