Couch 26

NO, I'm 39 1/2....lol

my point being that i cant use the defense mechanism that I did back then any more, they don't work as well and barley just sustain my life, I actually wanna drop some of this baggage and live for a change.

you see it as the process that it is and you are very determined to follow it through and that will serve you well...from everything that it says on PC...

I've been 39 for the last couple of years.

RS something has got to give and its my life so Im the only one who can fix it... I'm at that hard part, probably the first of many....but I intend on making it through...you can too, we all can.

yes the opportunity exists for us all...

I feel a little better after I took a nap. But when will this fear let go of me? How long does it last?

I could use a hug. And a memory eraser. That'd be great too.

night yall Ive had enough fun for one day! Sweet dreams all!

Nini lola. Sleep well.

good night.

I kept turning 39 until this year when I decided ah the he!! with it, I'm 50 and I'm proud of it!

I'm 21 and feel like a baby But I love you guys so it's okay!

We love you too Sila!

I'm glad. ♥

Time to go take a bath so I can cry in peace. I'm still so shaken up over what happened w/ my dog. I won't be able to get it out of my mind for days probably. Maybe my T will email me back tomorrow. One can hope?

Edit: Ugh why is it I can only cry in my room but the second I go to the bathroom the tears stop. I don't wanna be crying in here in front of my bf. He'll just tell me to calm down and that she's fine. But I can't just 'calm down', the anxiety has a grip on me and won't let go. It always does.

Fell asleep in a chair at my mom's house, came home, now I am a little awake.

Checked FB and someone I know posted a photo of all the ammo he is stockpiling. WTF?!?!?! Sometimes this friend frustrates me. Also very triggering for me. I had to get off of there so I didn't post something nasty.

Got calls back from the NP today. I can tell it is killing her to deal with all this follow-up and now I feel kinda guilty. She is making lots of extra calls to find out info for me. At least she was able to explain the process to me and give me some info on what they actual found on the ultrasound. Somehow it is less scary that I know things like the size and position of the unknown area. And I guess the radiologist doesn't get the final say in this. The surgeon I meet with on Thursday will actually be the one making the final recommendation and ultimately I guess it is really my decision as to what we do. I am so glad I have t on Tuesday. I usually sit in a chair and she sits across the room on the loveseat. I am wondering if I will be brave enough to ask her to let me sit next to her instead of across from her. I already feel myself numbing to some of what is going on. This may sound dumb, but I hope I haven't numbed so much by Tuesday that I can't be completely open and just fall apart in session.

Sorry...I am late night rambling. And the ad for The Clapper was just on. Has that ad changed at all in the last 20 years? Still the same old lady in bed turning off her tv at the end...

Must try to sleep...Let's hope I don't get plagued by nightmares. :/

edit: and instead of sleep i ended up sobbing and panicking and anxiety attack...i hate this i hate this i hate this. i wish i could talk to my t but it's 2 a.m. i cant breathe easily my face hurts and my breath keeps getting stuck in my chest when i try to take a deep breath.

Hello everyone.

Sila-I hope you were able to sleep.

Granite-Glad to see you popped in yesterday. Hugs

Sconnie-try not to feel guilty about the NP. you would be feeling worse if you didn't speak up. This is about you. Just focus on you. Hugs hugs hugs.

((((Wiki Wiki Wiki)))))

(((((Lola))))

(((((Chopin))))

Hello everyone else.

I'm working this morning for 3 hours from 8:30 to 11:30, well, because they were in a bind and I decided to throw them a bone. Why??? I don't know. Erp. It's only 3 hours.

((( Sila )))

When I am panicking and can't take a deep breath...my T tells me to breath in and out through my nose....and to pay attention to the cold air going in my nose....and the warmer air coming out of my nose when I exhale....It takes a bit of practice, but it does help. Struggling to take deep breaths and being unable to causes more panic for me...so his strategy has helped me.

Morning all.... just relaxing with my dog. I awoke at 6:50, why is it during the week I can't get out of bed even with an alarm ... but on Saturday...BAM up at 6:50 WTH? Had a crazy and disturbing dream , so I laid in bed for an hour unable to fall back asleep.... decided to get up and record the dream...it must mean something. Hope everyone has a great day. Watch the Cowboys game Sunday night, as Ill be there with W and youngest and her BF as his birthday present. .....

I have an extra ticket, should I invite T? lol

My poor dog. Huge thunder here. Huge and long. He's not happy. It's shaking the house.

That was weird. That one burst of thunder kept rolling on for at least 1 full minute. I should be in bed though Have a good day everyone.

Sila, have you discussed grounding techniques with your therapist? Techniques for settling yourself? It sounds almost like you feed into the anxiety and keep working yourself up rather than settling yourself down. That's not a judgment; I used to do it with my depression. It's a hard lesson to learn to interrupt the familiar thoughts and try to re-direct yourself. When you talk about what the anxiety "always" does, you are giving it way too much power.

I have to clean my garage today....so not looking forward to that, as I am a pack rat!

Why do you have to clean it? Do you want to?

It is messy , but because W said so.... Im not doing it now though

My daughter is going to her grandmother's birthday party today with her dad.....and I had plans with a friend. Unfortunately, my friend called this morning to cancel the plans. It's ok, though. It gives me time to get some things done instead of going out.

I have another friend who has been wanting to see me, but I am really not in the mood....*shrug*

I'd feel a lot better if my house was cleaner....so I'm going to make that my focus. So there!