[KazzaX]

What is a good, polite way to tell your T "I am not interested in mindfulness" in such a way that the T does not get defensive and start an argument?

I can tell this week when she brings it up again I am going to go off my head. I need a way to say it to her that is short, polite, to the point and definitive so that she knows that the decision has been made and questioning it is not an option. In the past it just lead to arguments (I assume its because I said it in an aggressive way), but she keeps bringing it up and I want that to stop immediately. I think i am not saying it in the correct way.

thanks

[KazzaX]

PS: I used the words "I am not interested in mindfulness" and "it does not work for me, lets have a look at something else" but neither of those seem to cut it, hehe. Maybe it was the tone of my voice when I said it.

[mixedup_emotions]

I'd imagine that talking about how you feel is a good start....Telling her that you feel frustrated, angry, irritated, etc. when she continues to bring it up could lead to some valuable discussion. It'd be worthwhile to be open to exploring the reasons behind your feelings as well.

[Lamplighter]

Sounds like the idea of mindfulness is pushing some of your buttons. I have to say I get very frustrated with it and the whole concept - possibly because I don't understand it and maybe don't know how to do it properly, possibly because it feeds straight into the negative set up I already have and isn't actually helpful to me. Whatever the reason, I'd have thought that if you have been clear to your T that you'd rather not do it at the moment, she ought to be able to respect your feelings about it, regardless of whether she believes it's in your best interests to do it or not.

So yeah, it sounds like there's a whole load of stuff attached to this and like MUE says, it could be really useful to have a discussion about all the feelings being brought up by it, which could be more productive than just shutting down on it all together.

Out of personal interest, why are you set against mindfulness? Is it only in therapy, or is it you don't like the idea of it full stop?

Torn

[Anne2.0]

Why not be reflectively open and consider it, as it has the potential to help you, rather than rejecting it in a knee jerk fashion?

Change happens when you actually change, not when you refuse to do anything different.

[mixedup_emotions]

My T reminds me often that if I have a very strong feeling or reaction to something, to try to be curious about it - as it often leads to some valuable awareness.

If you don't want to do it, you don't have to .... however, you may wanna give T a chance to say why they feel it is beneficial to you. No need for an argument or getting defensive, just a simple debate on the benefits and your reasons for NOT wanting to do it. You both have the same goal, its just a matter of figuring out the path there.

[BlessedRhiannon]

While I kinda agree with others that it might be worth discussing why you are so against mindfulness, and why your T thinks it would help, if you really do not wish to discuss this option, you might try saying something like:

"I understand that you think this would be helpful for me, but it's not a treatment option I wish to pursue. If I change my mind, I will bring it up at a later point, but I'd like to take it off the table for now."

or

"Thank you for the suggestion, but I do not think mindfulness will be helpful for me. I'd appreciate it if you didn't bring it up again."

or

"I understand that mindfulness can be helpful for some people, but I don't think it will be helpful for me. I find it upsetting when you keep bringing it up, and would appreciate it if you'd stop doing so. If I decide I want to explore it, I will bring it up."

or some variant/combination of the above.

I think you will need to at least explicitly state to your T that it's not a treatment option you want to pursue, that you want her to stop bringing it up, and that if you change your mind, you will initiate the conversation on mindfulness.

Oh boy, do I understand what you are talking about!

Mindfulness has been a bone of contention between me and my therapist for about the last 6 months or so. He is all into it and says it is something that will help me. He actually teaches mindfulness/cbt/yoga groups. I have a pretty clear aversion to the whole idea.

He had me read a book about it. It was like reading in a foreign language to me (and I'm a smart woman, but the whole concept just doesn't make sense or seem like it would work for me).

He backed off for awhile when I honestly became pretty hostile about it, but it came up again about a week ago in session, and I agreed to explore my outright aversion to the idea.

What he does understand is that I have very real physical and emotional reactions to relaxation-type exercises. They literally put me into a panic attack and I have flashbacks because of the connection I've made in my mind between vulnerability and relaxation. It's all old, trauma-related stuff that we started working with yesterday.

Whether I ever get to the point where I am even able to consider the mindfulness exercises remains to be seen, but at this point my T realizes we have some work to do before I will even be able to get to that point. He's says this is pretty close to a phobic reaction I am having. So, it will take time and processing.

I guess what I am saying is what many here have already said: perhaps, like me, what you really need to do first is to explore with your therapist where that aversion stems from. Until I get that worked out, actually doing the mindfulness stuff just isn't going to happen, and my T realizes that now.

[Dreamy01]

I can sort of understand this because I find it very hard to tell T I don't want to do or talk about something, usually because I fear hurting her feelings.

Maybe you could say 'Just don't think mindfulness is for me at this time'.

I agree with the people who said it's worth thinking about why you don't want to do it. Mindfulness has been shown to help a great deal in many cases and even if you don't like the concept per sa some elements of it may prove helpful in your life.

[Perna]

Therapy is a conversation; you get to say what you want and T gets to say what she wants. Just keep it short and to the point as you have been, "not interested" and let her go on about it if she wants; you can't control another person and what they say/want to talk about. How would you like if T said you had to consider it and talk about it? You wouldn't. Polite is listening to other people, not trying to manipulate them to only talk about what is interesting to you; you are in therapy because, presumably, that isn't working very well? (your way).

[Inedible]

Most efforts at meditation do involve slowing down and relaxing. Mindfulness is a core component of meditation. One of the main benefits of the process is seeing that in regular life when something which might normally be triggering no longer gets a reaction. There is a gap which develops, so that you have more time to think and respond instead of reacting automatically. Most of the time you may end up doing exactly the same thing, but it will still feel different. Over time you would find yourself naturally feeling fewer negative emotions and more of the neutral and positive emotions. This isn't forced; it is just part of the process.

Mindfulness only works if you choose to do it. If you aren't motivated to make it work, you can easily find hours and days have gone by without having noticed them. It happens often enough even if you really are trying to make it happen. So you can say you will try it, and maybe even give it a chance - you will probably spend less time and effort on just doing it than you currently spend on being aware of not doing it. Yes, you are being mindful of not wanting to be mindful. And it seems you do want to do it. It just isn't really the best use of your awareness so it may take some time to start seeing the usual benefits. One of the nice things about mindfulness is that it doesn't require anything special; it just uses your regular daily activities for another purpose.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Perna

Therapy is a conversation; you get to say what you want and T gets to say what she wants. Just keep it short and to the point as you have been, "not interested" and let her go on about it if she wants; you can't control another person and what they say/want to talk about. How would you like if T said you had to consider it and talk about it? You wouldn't. Polite is listening to other people, not trying to manipulate them to only talk about what is interesting to you; you are in therapy because, presumably, that isn't working very well? (your way).

In real life perhaps, but I don't agree about this in therapy. In therapy one pays them and one gets to choose what to talk about if one wants.

[autotelica]

Is she trying to get you to meditate? Is that what mindfulness is?

I think everything (therapeutic) is worth a try. Or two. And then, if you decide it's not your thing, you should be able to do something else.

Maybe it would help if you could offer something as an alternative? Like, something else that you want to talk about or some other kind of exercise?

[KazzaX]

Yeah for some reason, mindfulness triggers me. Even hearing the word... argh! I get very aggressive. I have no idea why - I can't even think about it or else I get all revved up. Like I told her, I would do it in the future if there was some way to sort out this being triggered thing, but she keeps bringing it up.

The reason she keeps bringing it up is because I am supposed to "get in touch with my feelings" or something like that, and mindfulness is the only way (T says). She says there is no other way in the therapy she does. Argh!

I like your ideas BlessedRhiannon. I might use one of those lines. Thanks everyone

[sunrise]

I would have a hard time being forced to talk about something during the time I am paying for, especially when I have considered it, given it the old college try, and devoted some of our therapy time to it or to its discussion. The therapy minutes are just too precious and my wallet is not bottomless. If it were me, I might say, "I have considered mindfulness and may consider it further in the future. If I decide to practice mindfulness, I will not use you as a coach or mentor in this process, though, so we need to direct our time to using other skills and services you have to offer me." And perhaps give her an example to get her mind thinking in a forward direction and out of the mindfulness rut, such as "we did EMDR for trauma a few months ago and I really found that useful. I would like to do more EMDR on some remaining trauma.?"

Originally Posted by KazzaX

The reason she keeps bringing it up is because I am supposed to "get in touch with my feelings" or something like that, and mindfulness is the only way (T says).

This is not true. There are a number of ways to do this. "Getting in touch with my feelings" has been a huge benefit of therapy for me and we did not use mindfulness. I have done some mindfulness, though (I took a class in it), and getting in touch with feelings was not a benefit of this practice for me. (I got other benefits from it though, but not the feeling thing.)

Good luck. Hope you can put this issue to rest.

[learning1]

I remember you said you almost always get angry during your sessions. If the t doesn't have very many options of things to talk about that don't get you angry, then she's probably kind of stuck having to go back to talk about something that you don't want to talk about that made you angry. In addition to telling her you don't want to talk about mindfulness, you could tell her something that is helpful to talk about. You would have to be willing to consider at least SOMETHING to be helpful.