[granite1]

so i have been reading and reading the e-mails i sent to my T a few days ago. i can't deal with any of this i have been trying so hard to deny anything went on in T .i need to function and get from day to day. i don't know how to deal or what to do about any of it so i want to just walk away from it get a do over in a way. i have been trying to figure out how to do this .i know if i just go into T and just say that i am sorry for the e-mails and totally take responsibility by telling her that i just didn't like hearing what she was saying so threw a major temper tantrum .i know it was wrong and sorry . most people will be OK with something like that and then i hope my T will accept that i am taking responsibility for it and let it go with a small lecture about e-mailing . i know i wont be able to talk about any of it.it would avoid any more frustration for my T. things were horrible and i don't want to feel that way again

I'm so sorry granite. I wish so much that your T would just open up emailing to you. I wish that things were easier for you.

[unaluna]

How you feel is how you feel. You don't have to apologize for anything. She can handle it. The point is what it's really about and how it affects you.

[CantExplain]

"Just want a do-over."

Interesting idea. What would happen, I wonder, if you told T that?

[wotchermuggle]

Granite, from an outsiders perspective, it really seems like you're over-involved/caught up with therapy. Don't forget that there is a life outside of this relationship. Therapy isn't the be all and end all of life.

[rainbow8]

I think the emails to your T are important and I wish she would accept them and ask you about them instead of making you think you have to have a "do over" for expressing your feelings. Our Ts want to know our feelings. I know therapy is hard for you, but T can't help you if she doesn't know what's going on. I hope that she will be accepting of your emails this time.

[granite1]

hey all it isn't accually about being able to e-mail my T in fact the last few times i have emailed her she has said nothing .in fact once she answered me and the other she called me.she probibly wont respond to this one because it was so angry.

the problem is what i said in it .and what i said in the last session. it has shown her how selfish i really am in not caring if i live or die when i have a husband and kid,how she thinks i made fun of my doc when i didn't it is like she saw into me and how horrible i am.it was awful and to go and sit in that chair and have her see me. i never wanted her to know that part of me.she cant do anything about that part. and it feel horrible that she knws this. i don't want to see this.it is so humiliating.to much to handle

[rainbow8]

Your T, even though she doesn't do IFS like mine, will know that it's only a part of you who feels she is selfish. I talked about my "bad" part with my T the last few weeks, and she made me see that she is NOT bad, just has needs. My T wants me to have compassionate for that part, just as you should have compassionate for your "selfish" part.

Your T doesn't have to do anything about except to have compassion for her and teach you how to have compassion for her. I know how it feels when a T sees us. At least I know how I feel. I want to hide because I feel exposed. But then I realize my T is there to help me and for no other reason. I hope you can trust your T that it is okay for her to see all of your parts.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

hey all it isn't accually about being able to e-mail my T in fact the last few times i have emailed her she has said nothing .in fact once she answered me and the other she called me.she probibly wont respond to this one because it was so angry.

the problem is what i said in it .and what i said in the last session. it has shown her how selfish i really am in not caring if i live or die when i have a husband and kid,how she thinks i made fun of my doc when i didn't it is like she saw into me and how horrible i am.it was awful and to go and sit in that chair and have her see me. i never wanted her to know that part of me.she cant do anything about that part. and it feel horrible that she knws this. i don't want to see this.it is so humiliating.to much to handle

i disagree with the bolded part, granite. that IS something you guys CAN work on and try and change. That is your deep, deep shame and fear coming into play--which was brought about by your awful childhood. Your mother made you feel like you were this horrible/bad/awful person, and children believe it with their heart and soul. Now that you are opening up more, you are convinced that she *sees* you for real. She IS seeing you more open, but I am guessing she sees you like we do. That you are in a lot of pain. That you are not horrible or awful or hateful. I mean, I'm not a therapist and I think this

[~EnlightenMe~]

Granite,
I agree with velcro, it is difficult to let our Ts see who we are, and the fear of rejection is real. Be kind to yourself, my friend.