Couch 28

Well, it's the history of "my" country - I am no patriot but I do want to get the facts right.

Good morning.... One more day closer to Friday, and Christmas break(1more week)....

Good morning Couch. Off to work I go. Its almost Friday which would be nice but they asked me to come Saturday night and I said yes. What was I thinking...

Morning all-
Extra time on the couch since I am not allowed to shower today. YUCK, YUCK, YUCK! I hate not showering everyday.

Maybe I will run to the grocery store and get our receptionist some chocolate. She's had to put up with all my anxiety for the last three and been so nice about it all.

morning peeps... off to the city to see the wizard. He's going to give me a new pancreas...well, actually an insulin infusion pump.

See ya later...
Hey Apt, if you see t today, you are getting a do-over.

(((granite)))

Morning Wiki!

Hey I only have 179 posts to 2000! Do you think I will make it by December 31?

[quote=WikidPissah;2764612] an insulin infusion pump.
quote]

hey Wki, one of my inlaws has one of those, it has made a huuuuge difference to his health. Wishing you the best with it!!

Not to be overly dramatic, but I feel like a pariah right now. I know it's just a feeling and feelings arent facts, but it's a bad one. I'm debating on calling T's office (God forbid I email) to see if she has any appointments tomorrow.

The Apteryx approves of this wizard.

That's true, in a sense I did bring up one of the things that upset me yesterday and it led to a good discussion. I'm starting to learn that a lot of things can lead to good discussions in T, if I can just get past my sense of fear and shame and bring them up! Also, T recommended that I read up on affect theory, so I've been looking into that today. Interesting stuff that feels relevant.

I'm almost at 2000 posts! Good heavens.

Help me. Please help me. I'm having a really hard time now that I fully processed my session.

Thank you.

Thanks for the hugs, GTGT, Ike, and MKAC. I called T's office to see about an appointment for tomorrow. Office manager said she was at a conference. I asked about today and OM said she actually left last night for the conference. I said I'd just keep my appointment for next Thursday and thanked her.

At first I panicked and assumed the worst...that T told OM not to give me an appointment. Then I remembered T said last week when we were scheduling for this week that she had Tuesday, but not Wednesday, at 4, and she would be out Thursday. I said Tuesday was fine, so she said nothing about Friday.

I looked up CEU's for LPC's in NC and sure enough, there was one for motivational interviewing about 100 miles away from here starting early this morning and ending late tomorrow.

Not that I'm making excuses for her, because I uphold that her treatment of me was unacceptable, but the cost and timing of the training is poor, she apparently didn't feel well, she's menopausal, and I discovered that a therapist she considers a friend at the practice is no longer at the practice. Suddenly. Plus her song's being deployed to Afghanistan in 2-3 weeks. She may have issues round holidays. I do and my behaviors are increasing...so are my coworkers and clients.

I need to get ready for work. This is a long day for me. If you pray, just say a little prayer (for me and T). If not, hugs and good vibes are always welcome. Thank you.

(((((chopin)))))

You are amazing.

Chopin... I say this with Love....maybe you should wait and just sit with this. I hate sitting with crap but it does serve a purpose. Stop obsessing and let your mind work on it in the background, you said T has a bunch going on right now. Maybe get an early appointment next week, like Tuesday. I only say this because I have begun sitting with it and it brings a sense of independence, we are here as are you IRL support system. You can do this.

Morning Apt..did I mention I missed you?
Wiki , I am so happy for you... glad your back too!

I'm off to see the Hobbit! The short little Hobbit of Bree!

(Yes, I know Bilbo Baggins did not live in Bree. "The Shire", "Hobbiton", and "Underhill" do not scan.)

Soooooo jealous........ I am going tomorrow, I could go at midnight, but im not up to it!

(((( Chopin ))))

Hey there, couch peeps....

Just kinda lurking lately.....feeling a bit shut down....*sigh*

I see T in 3 hours....Not looking forward to it. I'm afraid that if I'm open with what I've been thinking and feeling, that he'll have me hospitalized....

I don't want to feel down right now. I really don't. But it's hard. The holidays are hard this year. It's a reminder of my dad - our santa claus - not being here. It's a reminder of how I can't afford to give my daughter the things I'd like to. It's a reminder that my unemployment is coming to an end (Dec 29th) and I still have no full time job. The migraines have been really bad. It's a reminder that I don't have a spouse anymore to spend the holidays with - or to bring in the new year with. All of the major reasons why people sink into a deep depression - loss of loved one, divorce, job loss, disability/illness....are prevalent in my situation. And it's getting me down.

I can choose to feel differently, I suppose. To look at the good things. But it all just seems like a facade.

I had a nice night with my daughter last night. I'm holding onto that. She watched the first half of The Three Fugitives before going out with her dad, and when she got back - we decorated the tree - and then I put the movie back on. She said she wasn't really digging the movie - and I told her to trust me....then, she really got into it - laughed out loud quite a few times - and said, at the end, that she loved the movie. I knew she would. LOL.

I'm going to try to live in the moment....not the present....the moment. Because the moments can be good. My present situation is not.

So annoyed by the smallest things because I am totally overwhelmed. I ordered these cute shoes for my daughter off Etsy, and the person promised to send them immediately on Monday. However, I got a message today saying that if she sent them today, and changed the shipping to now cost $20.00, they would be here in three to five days. WTF? I said okay, I thought you already sent them, but she really wants them and I'll pay extra to be sure to have them for Christmas. So then she said she was cancelling my order and I have to go back in and re-order them with the extra shipping, but she promises not to charge me twice. I do not ****ing want to re-order them. I already ****ing ordered them once. If she has to cancel my order, she already has all of the information so she could just put in the re-order. I'm going to skip it and just buy my kid something else.

GRRR. That would really tick me off....

Oh, I'd let you have my ticket in a heartbeat.

Vent:

Now I remember part of why I stopped dropping by here. I keep trying to write supportive messages today - I genuinely feel for everyone here - but something seems off. They're supportive, but it's clear I'm not 100% there, thus it all just seems contrived and futile, so I delete them.

I'm realising I lose part of myself in my (chronic physical) pain. I don't feel like me, and I don't like it. I don't like how the physical and mental are linked and impact upon one another. I should be thankful I finally have my hospital appointment on the 3rd of January (it's been a long time coming). I hope it brings a solid diagnosis and solutions, but I'm scared. What if I never feel right? What if this is my (permanent) reality from now on? I'd do or give anything to be and feel normal and healthy (mentally and physically). Anything at all. The fact that that likely won't happen doesn't bear thinking about. I want me back.

I have T tomorrow too. I want to see her, but I have a feeling we won't be able to connect and it's going to be a crappy session... I don't want to come away feeling worse. *sigh*

Me, me, me, I, I, I, whinge, whinge, whinge, blah, blah, blah. I'll shut up now, promise.