Worried about restarting therapy (student)

rolan86 · Dec 10, 2012, 04:13 PM

I had therapy last school year at my university through the school health center, and am worried about starting it up again this coming semester. I needed counseling last year out of fear of losing my mind after a drug experience. Therapy somewhat helped me. While not really tackling any specific issues or solving any problems, it made me feel better that someone could listen and not think I have a messed up mind. However, therapy left me feeling horrible after, and still does, after termination which was about 8 months ago. I developed intense transference for my female therapist, which led to nonstop sexual fantasies about her, and compulsively trying to look her up online (which yielded no results). It all left me devastated when she told me we could not keep in contact.

I have a long list of things I need to have examined. Sometimes I feel like I don't need it and I'll be fine, but other moments, when I'll have an episode, I will feel desperate for help. Not to be too specific, but some of the issues I need to talk to someone about are:
-depression
-loneliness
-fear of having psychosis
-panic attacks
-insecurity regarding appearance
-insecurity regarding my status as a virgin
-insecurity regarding my aspirations
-social anxiety
-exploding head syndrome
-laughing disorder (cannot help but laugh in the most inappropriate of moments. In serious moments my mind will be flooded with perverse and vulgar humor, which causes me to laugh uncontrollably, thus leaving me humiliated. Trying to suppress it only makes it worse.
-OCD
-intense self-pressure to use psychedelic drugs
etc...

I have requested a male therapist, and I just wonder if this will be respected. It is not because I do not want a female therapist, it is because I don't want to risk transference again. With my past therapist, the sessions for me became more about impressing her and getting her to like me, than me actually seeking help. I want to focus on my issues. I have some pretty big doubts though. My last therapist was a post-doc student, and I know counseling me was part of her work experience, and that just made me feel like I was being used. It felt like I was just her homework project, and that she was only helping me so she could get her degree and move up in her career. It just feels weird as a student, to open up emotionally to another student, who is just seeing me as part of their school curriculum. Like "Oh! He is exhibiting *this psychology term!* I can write about this in my cover letter to my doctoral adviser!" For this reason I feel uneasy about getting help at my school, because I know many of the counselors there are just graduate students who need experience.
Also, I have an intense fear of making my counselor feel uncomfortable or disturbed by some thoughts of mine that really need to be addressed. I suppressed a lot of my issues with my past therapist for fear of weirding her out. Another big thing that happened with therapy last year was that I started to absolutely DREAD going to it. It wasn't that I hated it, it was just that it would make me really nervous. Like in class, having my session when I got out, just not being able to concentrate on my work, just thinking about what I'm going to say in therapy, or what I might open up about. I hated the anxiety that captivated me prior to therapy...

So that's all for now. Just my concerns with getting a therapist for next semester.

Miswimmy1 · Dec 10, 2012, 04:19 PM

it sounds like you have anxiety issues. You don't need to worry about making your counselor feel uncomfortable. That is their job... and believe me, they have heard it all. I think it is a good thing that you asked for a male therapist. As for your anxiety about going, that is normal. Eventually, you will get to the point where you trust your t enough to not worry about what you are going to say, etc. It takes time. But I realy think that you are making the right decision to go back to therapy. I will be thinking about you and I hoping things go well. Let us know how it goes!

Sannah · Dec 10, 2012, 04:59 PM

Hi rolan, welcome to PC. Psychology students want to listen to/help people. You are not just a school project. Maybe you could make your appt. well after your classes? I think that it would also be great if you could work on these issues. Keep us posted on how you are doing?

~EnlightenMe~ · Dec 10, 2012, 05:12 PM

[QUOTE=rolan86;2759335]I had therapy last school year at my university through the school health center, and am worried about starting it up again this coming semester. I needed counseling last year out of fear of losing my mind after a drug experience. Therapy somewhat helped me. While not really tackling any specific issues or solving any problems, it made me feel better that someone could listen and not think I have a messed up mind. However, therapy left me feeling horrible after, and still does, after termination which was about 8 months ago. I developed intense transference for my female therapist, which led to nonstop sexual fantasies about her, and compulsively trying to look her up online (which yielded no results). It all left me devastated when she told me we could not keep in contact.

I have a long list of things I need to have examined. Sometimes I feel like I don't need it and I'll be fine, but other moments, when I'll have an episode, I will feel desperate for help. Not to be too specific, but some of the issues I need to talk to someone about are:
-depression
-loneliness
-fear of having psychosis
-panic attacks
-insecurity regarding appearance
-insecurity regarding my status as a virgin
-insecurity regarding my aspirations
-social anxiety
-exploding head syndrome
-laughing disorder (cannot help but laugh in the most inappropriate of moments. In serious moments my mind will be flooded with perverse and vulgar humor, which causes me to laugh uncontrollably, thus leaving me humiliated. Trying to suppress it only makes it worse.
-OCD
-intense self-pressure to use psychedelic drugs
etc...

I hope you are able to find a good therapist! Hopefully you will get a male T as requested, although different types of transference can happen with any gender (parental, ie.) I wish you the bezt. Keep us posted:-)

rolan86 · Dec 15, 2012, 12:02 AM

Met my therapist today. Awesome guy. real understanding. I even told him about my transference with my past T! He was really understanding about that and even asked me if I was sexually attracted to her, which made it much easier to open up. He even said how it's understandable since she was young and it's totally natural. I feel good about this.