Last Session of the Year

I'm OK with not seeing my T for five weeks. What bugs me is not being allowed to see her.

I've lived in many homes over the years. Some I have left voluntarily. But others (my Home of Origin; the building when the Good Group met) I left involuntarily, and I still bear the scars.

I didn't really want to leave school, either.

I talked about Penny Lane. Paul McCartney was born in Liverpool and this song speaks of his love of that city and its people. But even more than that, he can go back to Penny Lane any time he wants and he will be welcome there. I don't have anywhere like that. It hurts that the house no longer belongs to the family.

Of course, my idea of home is highly idealised and unrealistic. But this stems from my Prime Delusion, which is that than things can last for ever.

We talked about my "compass".
I said it was broken.
She said, "Nonsense!"
Well then, I can't read it.
"Try"
I said it doesn't point towards anything. It points away.
T thought that was a good insight.
But what do we do with it, T?
That will have to wait until next year.

The thing is, if you knew you *could* see her, you likely wouldn't. It's the fact that you can't.

This time will pass. All things will be well.

The holidays do suck, but try to enjoy your family and friends. The decorations are pretty. I wish they could stay up year round.

CE I know exactly what you mean when you talk about not being ‘allowed’.

As Elliemay points out, I gather this is quite common, that for instance when clients have wanted out of session contact and the T refuses or restricts it, they feel needy and frustrated and seem to want it even more and can end up overusing it. The moment a T ‘allows’ out of session contact, suddenly it’s not so urgent and client doesn’t feel the need to constantly contact T. The truism of, if you can be sure of getting it, have the security of it, then the desperate need for it dissipates. You’d think Ts would have wised up to that by now . Not saying that’s what’s happening with you, just that the whole ‘not being allowed’ thing can create a lot of problems.

Don’t know about you, but if someone in authority (like a T) refuses me something or turns it into a permission/allowing thing, I immediately become resentful and oppositional. Shades of punishing/arbitrarily overruling parents maybe, or just growing up in the era before children were considered human beings.

I’m also with you on the feeling of homelessness, of not being able to go back, of not having been welcome in the first place. That’s very sad

Interesting comment about the compass, what do you think it means? I like how it sounds but thinking about it, I don’t really understand it myself.

I’m sorry you don’t have another session for five weeks, that’s a very long time in therapy terms. Hope you enjoy Christmas and New Year and are distracted enough by the holidays not to miss T too much.

Torn

I was just wondering...do you know how rare it is for a childhood home to remain in the family when we are adults? My children are in their early 20's and their childhood home is on the market. H's childhood home was sold many years ago. My childhood home was sold recently, and I was glad to be rid of the burden of it.

I am not trying to belittle the pain you feel, honest. I get that you can't go back there, and it is painful for you. But you have a home with your child, and that is huge. Is there some way you can replace the longing for yours with the caring for your child's?

(I know how much you adore your daughter and wife. That has come across loud and clear in your posts)

I'm actually coping quite well. I'm not desperate, but I am sad.

There was a time, or might have been a time, or should have been a time () when houses stayed in the family for generation after generation.

For example, Downton Abbey. I envy their sense of knowing who they are.

Ah. But we're planning to move. And ironically, it is part of how my wife wants to care for my daughter.

Thanks. I'm touched.

Thanks!

My feelings towards home are very complicated. I'm still working on that.

I never felt the connection to my childhood home that I think you're talking about. It wasn't a safe place. But I do feel a strong connection to my own home now, even though I'm away from it.

Holidays were a dangerous time in childhood. It took me a long time to reinvent holidays for myself. But I did, and now I rarely feel any sadness around holidays.

I do think that what Wikid said can be done. Who I am doesn't exist in a house from my past; who I am is who I nourish myself to be each day.

Love this!!!!

I felt "home" when I drove down the parkway here, returning after being gone for 3 years. I almost started crying. That's when I knew this town was my home. That, and one day walking downtown at lunchtime. I felt so happy. There was something in the air.