Perceptions are reality

T was in a jolly good mood when I arrived, which was bizarre to me considering last session. So I just went with it. She asked how I was and I said, "Busy, busy, busy." We talked about work and the changes at length. I dropped serious hints throughout the conversation about being honest regarding feelings with my clients and how we use them as teaching moments. I gave an example of how I've felt negative emotions toward a client and communicated them in an appropriate way.

None of that worked, so I finally segued into my last session, asking how she perceived it. I admit I was a bit miffed when she didn't remember IT!!! I was more than happy to remind her, but since I've already moved past it, I wasn't overemotional about it. She asked me how I perceived it. I said I perceived her as angry, scolding, and exactly like my mother. She denied being angry (once again), until I told her the physical evidence of anger...vein bulging in her forehead, eyes on fire, raised voice, and blotchy skin. She admitted she may have exhibited those things, but the blotchy skin is because her oncologist changed one of her cancer-inhibiting meds. She said the side effects are red skin to the point of looking sunburned (she was wearing a lot of foundation and still red). After a few minutes of discussion, I finally got her to acknowledge that she might have been a teensy bit angry at me.

Her side of the story (her perspective only):
Session before last (reminder: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=257060), T tried her damnedest to keep me from spiraling out from all the stressors looming before me. She wasn't talking about the end of therapy because she wants me gone, but because it is an eventuality. She wanted me to see that She was attempting to encourage me and point out my strength. She seemed to think I heard and understood what she was saying rationally, so she was blindsided when she received the email the same night. She perceived the email as accusatory and "borderline" (i.e. particularly in the way of black and white thinking...everything is "perfect" or everything is "disastrous").

I told her I was not in a place to hear what she had to say that session. I was already spiraling and her "encouragement" backfired. I told her that my email wasn't reactionary. I gave it a couple of hours and reread it several times before I sent it because I didn't want to appear accusatory or "borderline". I was reaching out for help.

She went on to say that was the reason she really hated email. You cannot always read the nuance or tone in an email. She said what she went through after the email is something she hates; having to consider that she, in fact, may not be helping me. If she found it to be true, ethically, she would have to refer me out and she doesn't want to do that.

T told me that the job change I'm experiencing may be one of the absolute best confidence boosters for me. She said when I was talking about it earlier, I exuded confidence. That made me feel pretty darn good.

We scheduled a month out then I gave her a gift and a handmade card. She said she didn't want to open the card because she would probably cry. I told her I didn't think she would; it wasn't overly emotional. She did and thanked me. I asked her to go ahead and open the gift which was a necklace and earrings I'd made. I told her I had been paying attention to what she'd been wearing because I'd not seen her wear anything else I've made for her. She said, "Hmmm, notice I wear a lot of black, huh?" I said yes. She said she wears the breast cancer awareness bracelets to related events and she wears the green one to church or when she dresses up. She said she loved that one, but she doesn't wear a lot of bright color during the week (she doesn't). She put on the necklace, but not the earrings. She really liked the earrings, though.

We hugged (and she didn't let go until I did). I asked her if I could pay her because I owed her for three sessions and the receptionist was gone. She said okay and asked what my copay was. I told her and she said, "$180?? I feel bad taking that much money from you!" I said, "It's what I owe you." She said, "Yes, but..." I said, "Run the card. It's a flex health spending card. Really." So she did. We wished each other a Merry Christmas and happy New Year. She said she hoped 2013 would be better for the both of us. I said I hoped so too.

I'm glad you were able to talk about it and shared your perceptions with her. Sounds like a productive discussion.

I am glad it went well.

Gah! I hate it when T and I had completely different sessions. I would not have let her off so easily.

I still have unresolved anger and sadness about this.

Hi Chopin,
So glad you posted on your session. I've been thinking of you and wondering how that would play out! You were brave to say your perception and really talk about it with her. Hopefully things continue to work out.

Rorschach test.

Have you considered the possibility that this interaction between you and your therapist resembles Rorschach test?

Therapist holds up email (ink blot) and asks, "What do you see?"
You respond unemotionally at first and then setting aside your indifference about the email become emotionally interactive.
It's kind of like seeing the ink blot and saying with unemotional indifference and aloofness that all you see isink on piece of paper that has been folded in half and then after consideration you see a butterfly.

I wonder if your therapist wanted your emotional reaction to be your first reaction.
Maybe she wanted your default reaction to be emotional because she sees that as your authentic emotional self.
I wonder if that something she saw all 12 months ago. Hence, a comment about your progress.
I I wonder if she views the indifference and aloofness as a harm to yourself in terms of caring for your own emotional well being.

This idea is really great IMO, but you don't know my T. T is not really interested in my authentic emotional self. She is actually a disciple of the "fake it until you make it" theorem. What she tells me the most is: "feelings aren't facts". She says I've always lived by my emotions and that is not healthy because "feelings aren't facts". She is a very practical sort and she has not been very interested in my feelings much, particularly towards her. Unless they are negative. Then she blows up and calls my actions "borderline". Even though she doesn't think I have BPD.

I recognize this T relationship is probably not the healthiest; however, the pros have outweighed the cons so far. I've done quite a bit of changing and healing in the past 20 months. Who I am this Christmas is a stronger and more authentic (not hiding who I am) version of me who recognizes she is a person of worth and value. If not for T, I wouldn't be in this place.

This bothers me more than anything else you've ever said about her.

PS:

I'm not criticising your T when I say:
Some students (like you!) are so smart they can learn even from a bad teacher.

I parse out the good from the bad, even though the bad hurts me at times.

And I'm used to bad teachers from my childhood. I still learned, though.

I agree with CE. This seems such a fundamental part of therapy. I'd run for the hills if I felt my T didn't care about my tue emotional experience. But I'm glad that you're able to glean what you can from the process.

Over the years, I've found that therapy really has to be a balance of authenticity and picking up the skills to "fake it until you make it". Sometimes my therapy is all about faking it.
I have a good job, I have good relationships, I have a lot to live in and for. I want to keep that - regardless of what is going on in my head. Therapy helps me to do that.

This, this I would not appreciate at all.

Yep. Sounds like any relationship. I think Nightsky called it "tolerating each other's crazy".