Really? After all these months?

Common theme. Not unusual experience. Recognizable emotion. Maybe a bit too ordinary. Could even label it boring. Cringe, I do. Not wanting to admit it. Embarrassing too. Toss in a bit of anger, mix with a touch of disappointment. No, mix with plenty of disappointment. Sprinkle from the plentiful supply of shame, and dang, recipe yields full meal of abandonment feelings.

Yes, I know - talk to T about it. Yes, I know - easy miscommunication. Yes, I know - unrealistic expectations. Yes, I know - 'therapy' out of session not done (of course, I had no expectations of that). Yes, I know - no obligation on part of T. Yes, I know - agreement she not reply unless requested to reply (BUT, she HAS replied without such request in past so already broke the agreement earlier.)

Still......

See, I had sent T numerous texts on Sunday because I was experiencing a tough tough emotion. All I needed from her is what she's done in the past - just a few words in reply that she heard me. Just last month we had a bit of text interchange in which she DID offer that. Again, no in-depth therapy, just a couple of words to remind me how to handle my emotional upheaval.

But, this time - nothing. NOTHING. nothing. No acknowledgment at all. No inquiry how I'm doing after 2 days. Nothing. nothing.

I don't get it. She's always given me something.

So, really? After all these months and all I've been through and all that she knows about me - really? - I'm abandoned now?

And, I'm reacting extremely. Now, I want to quit therapy. And I think at least I'll cancel next appointment. Over reaction, I know. I do know that. Still....

Well put

It does sound like you're really struggling with this. I hope you find a way to talk to T about it.

Can you contact her and specifically ASK for a reply?

I too was wondering if asking for a response could help alleviate some of the distress.
These therapist guys do need to learn to be consistent.

I suppose I could but... idk...the 'crisis' has passed, more or less, and now the issue is that T wasn't there for me like she has been in the past.

Yeah, consistency would be nice. If she's replied in past - even just 6 words - I would like to know she will always reply.

BUT, we've never had a discussion about what she will or will not do when I don't specify I need a reply.

I am hyper alert to not wanting to cross boundaries - not only in therapy but also in R/L.

I don't know anyone, T or not, who is perfectly consistent. I know as a parent that consistency is really important (I find it is also terribly important to my dog, who adores thinking that she's made a connection, like some kind of behavioral archeologist), but I think that humans are pretty complex for the most part and that makes any of us unlikely to be consistent.

I've tried to become more accepting, and comfortable, with other people's inconsistency. I find it makes me more comfortable with my own.

Do you think maybe your T had a good reason? Maybe she didn't get your texts? Phone or computer broken? Unexpected family emergency?

But I understand your feelings totally. T didn't come through for you. You're angy and want to take it out on her. She failed you so you want to quit or at least skip your next session. That won't hurt HER, you know. Only YOU.

I hated when my T was inconsistent with the way she answered my emails! She always answered, but usually ignored the important parts of them and that got me upset, angry, and majorly disappointed. It works much better knowing she won't answer unless it's about scheduling, or if it's my birthday, or if I'm missing a few sessions.

I think, with emailing or texting, it's best to get it straight how a T is going to handle them. Also expecting and realizing that T is human, and humans aren't perfect. I think we want our Ts to be perfect so when they show us that they aren't, we are shocked or in denial or extremely triggered.

I am sure you and T will work this out if you talk to her and don't skip your next appointment.

This has happened to me lots of times. In fact I sent two texts after my appointment two days ago (one asking about rescheduling) and haven't heard anything back. I think T might be away though and so her phone is off or she just chose not to respond because of being/ rushing to go away. It's a bit hard because we had a discussion in my last session about my reaction to our last series of texts.

We had huge ruptures before Christmas and during the last session before the break I was rushed out the door without so much as a goodbye, after everything it was too much. I did what was okay to do and sent the goodbye in a text (including wishing her a lovely Christmas, said how much she meant to me, how much I'd miss her, and sorry for my part in the mistakes). She replied "that is fine and thanks". Since I was upset about that blunt reply, T's planning on talking to her supervisor and thinks maybe we'll have to have no in between contact. This isn't a boundary I push, and I struggle with feeling like she is still out there, that she is not reachable, that I am filed away. So, I'm right there with you. A reply at this time really would have been quite reassuring.

In the past my T hasn't replied because she's missed receiving multiple texts, had her phone off, and been out of range. Mine also tells me at times that she's not a mind reader. I wonder if yours didn't realise that you would only be reaching out if you really needed contact? I think it's important to discuss this and how it's made you feel abandoned. I really do understand why you're feeling that way.

(((((Sky))))) it hurts, i know

Well, I disagree. Of course nobody or nothing can be PERFECTLY consistent. But, look around at businesses. They need to provide a pretty reasonably consistent product or service or they won't be in business long.

Our T's provide a service and I think we can expect a certain amount of consistency just like we would from our doctors, our dentists, our accountants.

Now, granted, I realize that my communication with T was not spelled out precisely beforehand what would be considered 'normal' or not so she does have a good excuse, I guess.

But, we deal in emotional issues with our T's and they must know how acutely their behavior influences their clients. So attentiveness on their part to consistency is not an unreasonable expectation, I believe.

Yeah, my T has protested my calling her perfect and has tried to convince me she's human and prone to as many mistakes as any of us. We were both joking but I guess I really do hold her to higher standards.

It hurts and nothing can change that.

I do think that consistency should be expected, but not perfection. It seems like a lot of the failures of consistency I hear about here relate to boundaries that are not clearly specified and adhered to.

I think it's tough for Ts to be consistent, yet not to play into the fantasy of the perfect all-giving caretaker. Many of us have injuries in that area and so are hyper sensitive to slights, yet that is the issue to be grappled with. Yes, I understand all too well that it touches unmet attachment needs, but part of the coming to terms with them, growing stronger by developing beyond them, is to learn to tolerate disappointment.

Some Ts don't seem to handle this transition very well. Others handle it ok, but make errors of timing, expecting too much progress too fast, or not seeing a regression. We feel what we feel, but how we respond to that feeling is up to us, not the T.

Texts? Emails? Really? This is out of boundaries for my T. He used to call back, but now he's taken a hard line and there is no contact between sessions. I recently interviewed another T and she was the same way. She said that she expected her clients to work through crises themselves. This doesn't work for me, but I don't think I'll find another T who will return phone calls, let alone allow emails or texts.

I leave a voicemail for my T and she gets back to me within a couple of hours...depending on how badly I need her.

Many times that I call her she is in session, but still answers the phone.

Some might be bothered by getting a call in their session, But I appreciate knowing that she IS there and she WILL call me back.

If I sent her a text, I don;t know how she'd feel about it.

I just have to be very clear with her that I need her.

She may not understand or see how deep the need is. Then it is up to ME to make sure she does get it.

maybe be BOLD with your writing

I'd quit a T for doing that- in my eyes there's no excuse (except for some emergency) to regularly take phones in sessions. Different folks, different strokes...

But back to the OP. It's great that you're able to recognize and name the sources of your behaviour, next step- dealing with it openly. Skipping a session/quitting therapy is NOT a healthy option (as you already know).
I would wait for a next session (granted it's not longer than a week or so) to talk it over with a T. Take care.

I think you have two issues wrapped up in here. I think a "certain amount of consistency" is exactly what you've gotten from T. Has she shown up to all of your appointments? Tried to get you in for extra sessions if she could? Been there on time, and had you quit on time? Approached working with you in a gentle, thoughtful, flexible manner? In the months that you have been working with her, have you ever complained about her lack of consistency before? It doesn't seem to me that your T has been inattentive to consistency.

The second issue is the "mindreader" perspective and the presumption that your T must know that not replying to your text would cause you some kind of over the top emotional reaction. Because she must have known this would happen, then . . . . whatever you think she would have done, or what you think it means about her intent in not replying, etc. But it's your job as the client, I think, to let her know how this has affected you, not to assume that she knows. So, you could approach it from the perspective of, hey, T, you didn't reply to one of my texts this week, and I was surprised by my emotional reaction to it. I felt abandoned, it was such a strong feeling that I not only noticed it (yeah for me) but I wanted to quit therapy in reaction.

On the issue of consistency per se, is it possible that it is not T's inconsistency that is the deepest issue? I mean that how I feel in response to something my T says or does usually flags an issue from me either in my past or my present. So I'll play armchair analyst and ask, is there something going on right now with a person or people in your life where you feel like they are being inconsistent in how they respond to you? And that their behavior makes you afraid that they will abandon you? For me, there are times when I can notice and deal with something as it relates to T but it is too scary to try to deal with the deeper feelings that come with the same issue with someone else.

Sometimes it can also be about the past and that X behavior means this is an issue with history dogging you. For me, I've always been hyper alert to changes in people's nonverbal actions, tonal changes, word choices, and more overt behaviors. Comes from growing up in a home where I thought I could predict when bad stuff was going to happen, and that made me feel more safe. So I like consistency, a lot. And I married the world's most consistent person, which has felt like one of the safest choices I have ever made.

Anyway, I don't know if any of this junk is useful to you or not, I just thought I would put it out there because that is what this discussion is pinging for me.

I think that my T is very consistent and reliable. However, unless I am VERY clear that I need a call back quickly, it sometimes takes him several days to respond. Twice, when I had to speak to the receptionist instead of his answering service, I was clear I would like to talk to him soon, but she failed to give him the messages. They are human. She could have misunderstood that you needed something from her. She may not have gotten the messages. One of my friends called me on Monday, but my phone didn't indicate that I had any voice mails until yesterday late afternoon. Technology is not perfect.

I guess that is my very long way of saying that I do not think this is something worth throwing away a working therapeutic relationship over.

Rushed for time now and cannot as yet reply to some of your thoughtful responses but I do want to clarify a bit.

In the past I had never expected T to reply to my texts. Previously, if I had something I needed to say to T I would leave a voicemail - not expecting a call back, usually not wanting a call back, unless I made a request.

Then about a year or more ago, I asked T if she could receive texts. There was something going on between us and I didn't feel free to call her anymore (my issue). She had never used text feature on her phone before but agreed to give it a try.

As it turns out, she mentioned a few weeks later how texting is actually an easier and a simpler way for her to receive messages. I know for a fact that for many months and possibly even now I am the only client who texts her.

Now, I don't text often. I can go weeks without sending her any messages. They only occur when there is some kind of emotional upheaval going on.

Earlier when I initiated texts, I did not expect any kind of response, just like with voicemails.

But, SHE did respond. At first, it shocked me beyond belief. I kinda didn't like that. I kinda felt like my freedom to send texts with the fantasy I held that I wasn't bothering her was being inhibited.

I felt, "how can I text her now? She might respond and I won't like that"

But, then another upheaval occurred and I'd text and she'd respond. Now, she never texted much - just a few words that meant she heard me or reminded me of something we covered in session.

So, because SHE began replying, *I* began to expect it. I am pretty good at honoring boundaries and she knows that.

This latest round of texting was specifically associated with touchy issue we have discussed in the past.

No response. She changed, not me. I had earlier never expected anything - she changed the 'rules'. And now I've been afflicted with expectations. And now I've been let down. And now I've lost trust.

Would you feel the same way if you found out your T was ill, dealing with a personal crisis, a family emergency, or just didn't receive the texts? I have gone through the same thing multiple times. I still haven't heard anything back from my T after I sent two text (one clearly asking about rescheduling) from three days ago. I've discussed the issue with my T before. How her forgetting made me feel, how it made me feel even when it's very reasonable that she forgot, or even if she just didn't receive my texts. She's told me she will get back to me if she can, if it's intrusive (ouch, but at least she is taking care of her own needs) then she won't reply. She says's she'll do her best to reply if she can (but I think she dosen't want to get my hopes up too high that she always be able to reply). I too can go a long time without texting. I didn't ever initiate a text, phone call, email or anything else for more than three years in the beginning. I don't often ask for things outside of appointment times. It does hurt so much to feel like the rules have changed. I do understand that. My T has recently changed a boundary that I never pushed, because she (and her supervisor) decided what she was doing might be too "friend like". What she was doing before was beginning to help more than anything else. So I do understand the feeling of abandonment and the confusion. With the texts though, being very sensitive about those sorts of things myself and still managing to survive, I do think it needs to be talked about. Because so many things could have gone wrong and it's important to at least fully understand what happened and why you weren't contacted back this time.

Yes, of course. Me - wanting to run and hide. Or, at the very minimum, pretend it never happened. Or convince myself it's no big deal.

See, I don't want to believe my need is deep so of course, I will not admit it nor express it.

Yes, I can admit that abandonment issues in RL relationships are present. AND, that same issue has played out with T in the past.

Yes, historical influences are present - no doubt.

But, I want to default to old patterned responses which is to put up the emotional barricade and be as aloof as I can. Ah, it feels good to protect myself that way. So much easier than to face the unpleasant emotions. Being dead emotionally is safe but I also realize it inhibits the full experience of living a vibrant life.

But if you DO express your need, it may lead to some productive therapy work.