My birthmother was Irish. My adoptive mother, a raging narcissist, often told me my adoption story in a way that left me feeling more rejected and abandoned then adoption already leaves you feeling.

I was told my birth mother was a drunk, she had another son whom was taken from her due to abuse. This I later found out was true when I traced my older brother, his since died from abuse suffered as a child.

i was told my birth mother laughed when she handed me over to the 'go between' who arranged this adoption. This was back in the 60s when private deals were allowed as my adoptive parents had both been turned down by social services back then as unsuitable to be adoptive parents, this knowledge helped validate my experience growing up with them.

so back to my birth mother, I have spent my life battling my self hatred, battling the image of her laughing and saying 'thank god thats over' as she handed me over.

I was told a lot worse about her and have walked a tight-rope of hating her and loving her, wishing she would have come back for me.

I was told that she disappeared for 2yrs after letting me go and was finally traced after being arrested for drunk and disorderly and came back to finalise the adoption papers My adoptive mother always said she was unable to bond with me during that time as she was unsure if she would be able to keep me. Then she said my birth mother asked to see a photo of my other brother who was adopted with me, she said my birth mother never asked to see one of me.

so cut to when I begun therapy, T saw the film 'The magdalene sisters' and suggested my birth mother could have grown up in one of those homes. I immediately attacked T for having symphaphy for HER!!!! I could not tolerate even contemplating my birth mothers life, and of course why should I, and T wasn't even meaning in that way. But there was no room for my birthmothers suffering within my suffering at that point. That was about 8yrs ago, I have never stopped looking for my birth mother, but never had success. I have her photo and her name, (know she worked in an hospital laundry when first coming over to the mainland uk) but her christian name had been changed, on her wedding cert it said Edna formally known as Ellen and that has been a big puzzle, wondering why she had changed her name. when you have little info on someone, the little you have becomes so important, and those 2 names were important.
Another something I do not know about her.

This wkend someone on another forum posted an article from the Irish Times about the Magdalene Institute, this is the bit that hit me between the eyes...

......."So much of the story about the Magdalen laundries centres on names; on identities lost, abandoned or forgotten. Thousands of girls and young women went through their doors during two centuries. Each had her Christian name changed by the nuns, her surname unused......"

Dam! that was it, suddenly another bit of the puzzle fell into place, I suspect she had been involved in the magdalene institutes, that explains how messed up she was, her life, the abuse she would have experienced growing up herself, suddenly I could think about her, the thought of her lauging at getting rid of me stopped being about me, it became about her, her pain, yes she gave up 3 kids but underneath all the bravado, was pain! I felt my inner child suddenly grow up!, I didnt feel like any of this story was about me, my adoptive mother try her hardest to knock any self respect i may have out of me, never giving me any moral support in my adoption story, always using it as a weapon to take from me and not give to me, Plus her judgements of my birth mother were critical constantly, she had no idea what my birth mother had gone through in her life, wasnt' able too understand it much like I when I begun therapy.

I felt yesterday that I released both myself and my birth mother, I mean given her history, how could it have been any other way. I hope if shes still alive she found peace within herself, I have it now.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

My birthmother was Irish. My adoptive mother, a raging narcissist, often told me my adoption story in a way that left me feeling more rejected and abandoned then adoption already leaves you feeling.

I was told my birth mother was a drunk, she had another son whom was taken from her due to abuse. This I later found out was true when I traced my older brother, his since died from abuse suffered as a child.

i was told my birth mother laughed when she handed me over to the 'go between' who arranged this adoption. This was back in the 60s when private deals were allowed as my adoptive parents had both been turned down by social services back then as unsuitable to be adoptive parents, this knowledge helped validate my experience growing up with them.

so back to my birth mother, I have spent my life battling my self hatred, battling the image of her laughing and saying 'thank god thats over' as she handed me over.

I was told a lot worse about her and have walked a tight-rope of hating her and loving her, wishing she would have come back for me.

I was told that she disappeared for 2yrs after letting me go and was finally traced after being arrested for drunk and disorderly and came back to finalise the adoption papers My adoptive mother always said she was unable to bond with me during that time as she was unsure if she would be able to keep me. Then she said my birth mother asked to see a photo of my other brother who was adopted with me, she said my birth mother never asked to see one of me.

so cut to when I begun therapy, T saw the film 'The magdalene sisters' and suggested my birth mother could have grown up in one of those homes. I immediately attacked T for having symphaphy for HER!!!! I could not tolerate even contemplating my birth mothers life, and of course why should I, and T wasn't even meaning in that way. But there was no room for my birthmothers suffering within my suffering at that point. That was about 8yrs ago, I have never stopped looking for my birth mother, but never had success. I have her photo and her name, (know she worked in an hospital laundry when first coming over to the mainland uk) but her christian name had been changed, on her wedding cert it said Edna formally known as Ellen and that has been a big puzzle, wondering why she had changed her name. when you have little info on someone, the little you have becomes so important, and those 2 names were important.
Another something I do not know about her.

This wkend someone on another forum posted an article from the Irish Times about the Magdalene Institute, this is the bit that hit me between the eyes...

......."So much of the story about the Magdalen laundries centres on names; on identities lost, abandoned or forgotten. Thousands of girls and young women went through their doors during two centuries. Each had her Christian name changed by the nuns, her surname unused......"

Dam! that was it, suddenly another bit of the puzzle fell into place, I suspect she had been involved in the magdalene institutes, that explains how messed up she was, her life, the abuse she would have experienced growing up herself, suddenly I could think about her, the thought of her lauging at getting rid of me stopped being about me, it became about her, her pain, yes she gave up 3 kids but underneath all the bravado, was pain! I felt my inner child suddenly grow up!, I didnt feel like any of this story was about me, my adoptive mother try her hardest to knock any self respect i may have out of me, never giving me any moral support in my adoption story, always using it as a weapon to take from me and not give to me, Plus her judgements of my birth mother were critical constantly, she had no idea what my birth mother had gone through in her life, wasnt' able too understand it much like I when I begun therapy.

I felt yesterday that I released both myself and my birth mother, I mean given her history, how could it have been any other way. I hope if shes still alive she found peace within herself, I have it now.

thank you so much for sharing that beautiful moment where you found clarity and peace for yourself and birth mother.

I am so happy you have found a way to release you and your birth mother from such a awful journey you have both endured albeit separately. xx

[Eliza Jane]

Thank you for sharing your story. I had never heard of a Magdalean laundry before (just googled it). So sad for all involved. I'm glad you have reached a new peace.

Best,
EJ

[Syra]

I feel warmth from your story.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

I felt my inner child suddenly grow up!, I didnt feel like any of this story was about me

This so resonates with me, and it was a very memorable moment in T when something shifted in me and I saw this. My version of this was that it wasn't about me that the people who were supposed to protect me didn't during my childhood; it wasn't that I was unworthy of protection or that they knew or didn't know or that I did or didn't disclose enough, etc. etc.

For me it was disorienting in an almost physical way, like when you're sitting in a train at a station and the train next to you starts to move, and you think that your train is moving but then you realize you are standing still and it's the next train on the track moving.

I sometimes think of these times where the puzzle pieces break up and then reconvene in a totally different picture as a kaleidoscope moment. It also feels disorienting for a bit, like the train next to you moving, at least to me. In that split second when the pieces fragment and before they become something else, I feel myself shift too. And the sense of wonderment when the new picture forms, it's stunning.

["Tilly may"]

I am glad that you have found an inner peace with your birth mother. I did see the movie about the magdelene sisters. I imagine that their struggle was enormous, many of them were trapped and abused in their situations.
hugs
Cyn

[Perna]

I cannot imagine what it must have been like for you. I had a dream 10 or so years ago that my mother had not died, she'd been in an institution all these years and I'd just not known/been told; I woke so very angry. I think a part of us look for our mothers for always, but that particular inner child becomes the shape of the others at some point when we understand better; they all even/balance out instead of one or another being so big/important.

Thanks all for reading. It's a rather long post, I'm not normally a long post type of gal ;-)

[ECHOES]

People laugh when they are nervous and when they are trying to hold back something deeper too, I think.

It is wonderful to arrive at this place where you are.

To me, this is something therapy can do... it can free us, relieve us of anger and hatred and hurt enough to see beyond where we have been able to see. The hurt and anger and hatred are real, and of course justified, but they also color our perspectives, and we deserve to see the panorama.

Eartmamma,

Your story is so touching and sad but I am glad you can finally find some peace with your birth mother. Its easy to blame someone or hate someone but when we don't know what really happened who do we blame then?

Being Irish myself, I know all the pain and suffereing our mothers and our mothers mothers went through just for giving birth. I am glad times have changed over here. Those nuns put women through hell and people are still suffering because of it.

Saw T today. Talked about this with her. It was a quite session. I think the dream I had last week about T telling me she's retiring was actually my own unconscious realisations that things are changing for me now and perhaps 'ending' is gradually creeping into my consciousness. It's safer to feel T is ending it rather than it be my decision. I still am not talking about ending within the next few months, BUT I think talking about it might be about to begin and as ready as we are it's always going to be a scary first few steps hence me not initiating but dreaming of T doing so.