uesday, May 22, 2012

On Being Alone
In psychotherapy literature, much has been written about the unique experience that individuals have about being alone. Donald Winnicott, the British Object Relations psychoanalyst and pediatrician, talked about the experiences of the infant who was able to tolerate times of being alone because she had an internalized sense of being alone and yet feeling the loving presence of the mother in the background.

When things go well for the infant, this "good enough" mother is sensed as an internalized experience of nurturing that remains with the infant even when the mother isn't in sight, so the infant doesn't feel abandoned.

"Wounded Aloneness"
Michael Eigen, Ph.D., American psychoanalyst, talks about "wounded aloneness" in his latest book, "Contact with the Depths." When the infant is unable to internalize a nurturing mother, for whatever reason, the infant experiences moments of being alone as being abandoned, fraught with fear. Of course, the baby has no language to express this fear, which probably is terrifying. We know now that, contrary to former beliefs, we're not born like blank slates. We respond and interact with our environment. We know now about the neuroplasticity of the brain and the importance of these early experiences to the infant's developing mind.

On Being Alone: "Wounded Aloneness"
As adults, how we experience being alone is often based on these early experiences. If the overall early experience was "good enough" in a Winnicottian sense, all things being equal, we can tolerate and even enjoy being alone for periods of time. We can maintain an internal sense of loving friends and family, even though they're not with us physically. This doesn't mean that we never feel lonely. Everyone, no matter what your early experiences have been, experiences loneliness at various times. But, overall, being alone is, at worst, a neutral experience and, at best, a time to regroup, relax, and renew onself.

Feelings of "wounded aloneness" can lead to depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drug addiction, sex addiction, and other forms of addictive and compulsive behavior in an effort to comfort oneself. The drink or the drug becomes the "friend" that is so hard to give up. It's the friend who's always there, "reliable."

When psychotherapy is going well, when there's a good match between the therapist and client, there can be a repair to "wounded aloneness." It doesn't happen over night. A sense of trust must be established first. After a time, the client learns to internalize the therapist.

Even when the therapist isn't around or even after therapy has ended, when therapy is successful, the client maintains a sense of the therapist. There are many times when I still think of my first analyst, who has been dead for more than 20 years, and remember things he said, a look, a gesture, or helpful advice. In many ways, my experience of him is stronger now than at any other time in my life. This is a common experience for many people who've had good experiences in therapy.

We used to think that trauma and experiences of neglect and abuse did irreparable damage to children and that the best one could do is accept one's fate as an adult to remain wounded and feeling emotionally damaged. Fortunately, we now know that it's possible to change, heal, grow and overcome early deficits.

Getting Help
There are many ways to heal emotionally. Psychotherapy is one way. If being alone for you is a hurtful and retraumatizing experience, help is available to you. Working with a therapist you feel comfortable with can be a life changing experience. Often, beginning the process can be the hardest part. But it can also set you on a new journey, opening up a new world for you, if you allow it.

[glok]

Thanks for sharing, _Mouse.

[CantExplain]

What if the patient does not experience the therapist as "good enough" in this sense?

I think the blog says if the 'fit is good',..
My therapist has succeeded in this role.

Thank you for sharing.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

What if the patient does not experience the therapist as "good enough" in this sense?

I think that can come from projection and countertransference. The client felt not good enough from the parent. Then the client feels the t is not good enough, but also feels that other people do not recognize the client as being good enough. Thats how it was for me. Its hard to break that cycle.

[SabinaS]

It's hard to trust and let someone in though, isn't it? I often wonder if I'm drawn to the 'wounded aloneness' because it's what I know, or maybe it's the narcissistic part of me that thinks no one can help, I have to do it all on my own.

I found the piece really poignant because I feel I'm at that stage of wondering whether I'll ever be able to internalise a 'good enough' experience, and whether therapy is actually just rubbing salt into the wound... the let downs, the breaks, loving someone who doesn't love me back... feels like a continuous replay. So, for those who have, how do you break the cycle?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by SabinaS

It's hard to trust and let someone in though, isn't it? I often wonder if I'm drawn to the 'wounded aloneness' because it's what I know, or maybe it's the narcissistic part of me that thinks no one can help, I have to do it all on my own.

I found the piece really poignant because I feel I'm at that stage of wondering whether I'll ever be able to internalise a 'good enough' experience, and whether therapy is actually just rubbing salt into the wound... the let downs, the breaks, loving someone who doesn't love me back... feels like a continuous replay. So, for those who have, how do you break the cycle?

Hitting bottom helps. Unfortunately. When you have been SO down, and then when you get there again and again and again, what is the one thing available to you to change? For me, it was my relationship with t. The disbelief in the relationship fades to the background instead of being right in front of your face all the time. Like you cant worry about dying all the time so much that you cant enjoy life (maybe not a good example!).

Whilst you ask those questions, the internalisation us happening

Originally Posted by SabinaS

It's hard to trust and let someone in though, isn't it? I often wonder if I'm drawn to the 'wounded aloneness' because it's what I know, or maybe it's the narcissistic part of me that thinks no one can help, I have to do it all on my own.

I found the piece really poignant because I feel I'm at that stage of wondering whether I'll ever be able to internalise a 'good enough' experience, and whether therapy is actually just rubbing salt into the wound... the let downs, the breaks, loving someone who doesn't love me back... feels like a continuous replay. So, for those who have, how do you break the cycle?

I don't know about breaking the cycle, but I do know about taking in all of the goodness. My therapist isn't quite as nurturing with me as my last T was, but when he is, it feels so good I'm just in awe for days afterwards. I still feel like I'm ~melting~ from our session yesterday.

It seems like the most profound effect follows bearing my soul and allowing myself to be vulnerable, even if it is just a few minutes of the session. But my defenses come down really easily now that I feel so safe with him; now I can remain in that state longer and longer....

The relinquishing of defenses, along with regression, seems to be a huge part of the internalization process, which I think is part of limited reparenting. There are many times I feel like I'm just a little baby, and whether it's between sessions or during session, he lets me experience really young things like 'merging' with him, over-excitement, and needing/asking for his soothing, and with acceptance and empathy instead of rejection, fear, and abandonment. I'm getting things from him that I never got as a child.



eta: I just realized that the stuff of therapy that I think is most important is stuff that is hardly ever talked about here. Not sure what to make of that. ?
I know this type of therapy is not for everyone though....

[CalmingOcean]

Originally Posted by skies_

I don't know about breaking the cycle, but I do know about taking in all of the goodness. My therapist isn't quite as nurturing with me as my last T was, but when he is, it feels so good I'm just in awe for days afterwards. I still feel like I'm ~melting~ from our session yesterday.

It seems like the most profound effect follows bearing my soul and allowing myself to be vulnerable, even if it is just a few minutes of the session. But my defenses come down really easily now that I feel so safe with him; now I can remain in that state longer and longer....

The relinquishing of defenses, along with regression, seems to be a huge part of the internalization process, which I think is part of limited reparenting. There are many times I feel like I'm just a little baby, and whether it's between sessions or during session, he lets me experience really young things like 'merging' with him, over-excitement, and needing/asking for his soothing, and with acceptance and empathy instead of rejection, fear, and abandonment. I'm getting things from him that I never got as a child.



eta: I just realized that the stuff of therapy that I think is most important is stuff that is hardly ever talked about here. Not sure what to make of that. ?
I know this type of therapy is not for everyone though....

Show do you ask a T to be more nurturing? I want that.

[SabinaS]

When you talk about dropping defences and regressing, I shudder inside a bit. I realise the idea of being completely regressed/vulnerable makes me want to vomit, I can't bare the idea. And yet, when I have been vulnerable and been at rock bottom, I have felt as though I got more out of it, and he has been very containing and reliable. But the let downs still take me back to square 1. It's a long journey I guess.

Calming - I think what skies meant (correct me if I'm wrong), is that over time, the therapy helps us to open up and allow more nurturing goodness in. The therapist's input usually remains consistent... in fact consistency is quite important. But during the therapy, we slowly learn to trust through good experiences of being cared for and kept in mind - thus allowing ourselves to take more good nurturing in.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by SabinaS

It's hard to trust and let someone in though, isn't it? I often wonder if I'm drawn to the 'wounded aloneness' because it's what I know, or maybe it's the narcissistic part of me that thinks no one can help, I have to do it all on my own.

I found the piece really poignant because I feel I'm at that stage of wondering whether I'll ever be able to internalise a 'good enough' experience, and whether therapy is actually just rubbing salt into the wound... the let downs, the breaks, loving someone who doesn't love me back... feels like a continuous replay. So, for those who have, how do you break the cycle?

I hear ya on this, I feel quite similar at present.

Originally Posted by _Mouse

Whilst you ask those questions, the internalisation us happening

This is a cheering thought.

Originally Posted by skies_

I don't know about breaking the cycle, but I do know about taking in all of the goodness. My therapist isn't quite as nurturing with me as my last T was, but when he is, it feels so good I'm just in awe for days afterwards. I still feel like I'm ~melting~ from our session yesterday.

It seems like the most profound effect follows bearing my soul and allowing myself to be vulnerable, even if it is just a few minutes of the session. But my defenses come down really easily now that I feel so safe with him; now I can remain in that state longer and longer....

The relinquishing of defenses, along with regression, seems to be a huge part of the internalization process, which I think is part of limited reparenting. There are many times I feel like I'm just a little baby, and whether it's between sessions or during session, he lets me experience really young things like 'merging' with him, over-excitement, and needing/asking for his soothing, and with acceptance and empathy instead of rejection, fear, and abandonment. I'm getting things from him that I never got as a child.



eta: I just realized that the stuff of therapy that I think is most important is stuff that is hardly ever talked about here. Not sure what to make of that. ?
I know this type of therapy is not for everyone though....

This is a really interesting post to read, and I think I agree with you on the bit I've bolded, but at the same time feel a bit dim because I'm not entirely sure what is meant by regressing/internalizing as such. And what exactly does letting down defenses entail?

This is a great thread Mouse, thank you for starting it.

Originally Posted by CalmingOcean

Show do you ask a T to be more nurturing? I want that.

Heck if i know...beg? IDK... You have to ask your therapist, or it least talk to him/her about your needs. I've told my T that i want him to be more nurturing. Last T said I elicit those responses in him; he said i brought out the 'mother' in him. Come to think of it, I've elicited that behavior in others as well. hmmm

Nurturing is intoxicating to me. Does it feel good to you, or is it threatening in some way?

Sabina.

Wondering if it is related to the power imbalance? I've thought about this recently. I'm so regressed, vulnerable, and needy....Meanwhile, T doesn't need anything from me. I've told him before-you don't expose yourself to any vulnerability; meanwhile, i'm totally under his spell.

Nevertheless, i trust him enough to be that regressed. I really think it makes all the difference. Because it takes you back to the time when you were a child--innocent, spontaneous, and free; that's the time when you were internalizing your parents; developing your sense of self....

I do really think this is key....but i have to think about this some more...i do think that the more your defense are down, the more you can take in. It can be a beautiful experience.

Originally Posted by SabinaS

When you talk about dropping defences and regressing, I shudder inside a bit. I realise the idea of being completely regressed/vulnerable makes me want to vomit, I can't bare the idea. And yet, when I have been vulnerable and been at rock bottom, I have felt as though I got more out of it, and he has been very containing and reliable. But the let downs still take me back to square 1. It's a long journey I guess.

Calming - I think what skies meant (correct me if I'm wrong), is that over time, the therapy helps us to open up and allow more nurturing goodness in. The therapist's input usually remains consistent... in fact consistency is quite important. But during the therapy, we slowly learn to trust through good experiences of being cared for and kept in mind - thus allowing ourselves to take more good nurturing in.

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I hear ya on this, I feel quite similar at present.

This is a cheering thought.

This is a really interesting post to read, and I think I agree with you on the bit I've bolded, but at the same time feel a bit dim because I'm not entirely sure what is meant by regressing/internalizing as such. And what exactly does letting down defenses entail?

This is a great thread Mouse, thank you for starting it.

Letting down your defenses is about becoming vulnerable, open, and receptive. But it's not something that is totally conscious. YOu have to feel safe to do it! Sometimes that means someone stronger, protective. Does your T have those qualities??

Sorry, i just don't think your T is the type to do this level of work. I mean in depth...You have the capacity; but does she? It's as if she is playing out your pattern, when meanwhile, she's supposed to stop it..

ps sometimes people refer to 'the inner child' as something similar, i believe....