keep going

that's what I tell myself.

That's certainly what I tell you folks.

But right now I feel that even T is not on my side, not really, I'm just too sunk into illusion to know it.

Do you mean you're too lost to know that T is on your side, or that she's not on your side? From a purely distanced place, it wouldn't make any sense for her to not be on your side, to take on an adversarial role. I say that not because I think you don't know it, but because sometimes it's helpful every now and then to have reminders.

Your advice, to keep going, is excellent.

Keep going, but definitely speak up about what is bothering you and exactly what makes you feel like she is not on your side.

What do you mean? What is happening? This feels like you are in pain.

SAWE we are all here for you! One step, day or minute at a time.

Sunk in illusion I may be, on many fronts! but I know better than this. Otherwise she could never have put up with me, all this time. she tries so hard and I am so LAME.


never ever used this icon before, but it seems to fit today.

Sitting, you are not lame, you are an inspiration to keep going one day at a time
This is just a bad day, things will get better but maybe you should tell t why you think she is not on your side because maybe your judgement is clouded because of your mood

(((sawe))) What is happening right now that is making you think this?

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad about yourself and T right now. You're an inspiration to me because you DO keep going and struggling. I don't know what you mean by "lame" in the context you're using it. Of course your T is not going to give up on you!

WHY do you think she's not on your side? That sounds very important for you to discuss with her.

some of what's going on I don't really want to post, hope you will understand.

IRL I am known to be fairly intelligent; when it comes to that little room, I am so slow and stupid.

it's plain that I am not so much driving
as I am spinning my wheels, losing my way, running over glass and nails...
and I have no license, so one of these days the cops are going to pull me over and throw the book at me ( DSM V probably. Ow!)

I asked T, if you insist on me driving, at least if you see me heading over a cliff, stick your leg out and hit the brake, wouldja?
and she said OK (and pointed out that she had recently done just that)

Sitting you are far from stupid. But in therapy we tend to regress & adult intellect is redundant. Just feel your pain right now. It sounds like you are at a core healing point!

thanks EM (and all) but I have been at this point again and again and I never seem to get farther. It's just pain, frustration and shame - then I turn away from it - then later I am here again.

I wish T would reply to my email. But if I were her, I wouldn't. I'd be thinking SAWE should just go away now. All attempts at healing seem to fail.

Maybe you should let healing happen as it will, rather than trying so hard to make it happen?

Perhaps you go deeper?

as a matter of fact yes but I never get farther.

At some point one can expect to move ahead.

or so I thought.

Only you can be sure of change. Perhaps your T hasn't the skill to take this further?? I don't know. Also when we go deeper, it feels as if no movement is occurring. This stage can go on for a while.
I can only suggest you continue sharing this just as you have here with her.

it's not her, EM - if I told you about her, and her work, you would be amazed.
The hangup is me. I know it.

I get it, I think. We take all the responsibility. But sometimes I wonder if our T's shouldn't take some of the responsibility also. They are not all-powerful; they do not own all wisdom; they cannot be perfect.

Let's take a look at children and their teachers. Maybe a teacher is considered a 'good' teacher and everyone looks up to that teacher. But, somehow or another, that teacher cannot seem to connect with your child. Your child is on another wavelength. He needs something a bit different. It's not teacher's fault; it's not child's fault. It just is what it is. No blame. But change would be necessary.

I want to change (at least I think I do; at least, I believe that I think that I do - and yes I have told her that)
and so far, most of what she tries, fails.

if by 'change woud be necessary' you mean her, this I do know: I am not changing Ts again.

the problem is in me not in her. I have confidence in her skills and training; very little, or none, in myself.



don't get me wrong, those 'smilies' were not her at all they are me pointing at me, and laughing at me. There's not much else I can think to do.

wow, you knocked me down with this one.
Remembering all the times in the past when I have heard it from others (in widely various walks of life, too).

But I don't know how to do that, Pachy.
In (very rare) open moments T2 has voiced some chagrin over the number of clients (hers are often court-ordered ones, mind) who go out her door at the end of an hour and never give ONE THOUGHT to what had been talked about, till they pull into her parking lot the next week.
I have never been like that; I reasearch, I read, I bring in articles and books & lists of questions, I journal, I post here, I ponder things; it's just the way I "do" therapy. They say you can't do therapy wrong, but maybe all this is wrong?

I would love to hear about how others just let healing happen as it will.
Seriously.

Hard to break the allegiance to those who told you you were not worth much, eh?

You are doing it. Just have more patience with yourself, maybe?

SAWE, my husband was one of those people who just left therapy, went to work and home and never thought about therapy again until the next time he went. He made little to no progress in therapy. So, I'm thinking there must be a happy medium between letting healing happen, and working at it.

I know in my own therapy, my t has guided me about WHAT I work on in session and what he would like me to concentrate on between sessions. For instance, I had certain behaviors I wanted to change (being too reactive to certain things, emotional eating, etc). My T assured me that if I addressed the underlying thought processes, instead of focusing so hard on the behavior, the behavior would eventually go away on its own. In terms of the things I am reactive to, that has certainly been true. I still tend to eat when sad and not eat when stressed, but I think that is better. I also stopped biting my fingernails for the first time in 45 years, without even trying or thinking about it. I have been able to be more open and honest with my friends, and developed new friendships. I have not "worked" on any of those things. Those things just all improved as I worked on my negative self talk, and the distorted way I looked at myself and my past. I WORKED my a s s off, but just not on those particular things.

Not sure I'm making any sense. Sorry.

You are starting some truly awesome posts. Where is that coming from, if not from you? Okay, I know this one came from pachy. But the difference in you is apparent. Don't discount tiny changes. Those are the ones I mention to my T. Look what a big deal we make over the first robin or flowers in spring.

I have been thinking about this a lot. whoever said therapy was for the weak had no clue, this is hard.
thanks