[stopdog]

I have been thinking about motivation and how I am personally motivated (internally rather by externals).
A very close friend of mine goes to a therapist mostly to be told "good job" (her description of why she goes) about whatever she is working on in therapy and when she hears that from the therapist, it makes her both feel good and want to do more/better so the therapist will say it again. And then how bad she feels and wants to do more if the therapist does not praise her - and how it motivates her to try to do something to get that praise.
For me, it is at best neutral for that therapist to say "good job"(or the reasonable equivalent) to me. It usually angers me - who the hell is she to tell me good (or bad) job. It does not make me want to do X again or better or anything positive. With others, it does not usually enrage me, but it does not make me all yea either. Growing up my mother used to berate me for how hard I was for her to motivate. She even would go on about it when I was grown. Pretty much if I could not figure out how something was useful either as an ideal/value I believe in or as a practical thing for me, I am not really motivated to do it. It is usually that I have to decide and praise or pressure from the outside is not going to move me.
I was just wondering if the idea (or reality) of the therapist's praise or lack thereof is a motivating factor for others.

["Tilly may"]

I would have to admit that praise from anyone is motivating.

With my xT, I found myself trying to figure out how he wanted me to think, feel, react... and yes I would find myself choosing ways that would result in him giving me praise... and that is why he is my xT. It was not his issues with how he did therapy, but my issues that had to do with me and my interaction with him.

with my current T, i do not have a sense of concern over what she thinks about most of what we discuss.... the focus for me is about me and getting what I need out of therapy ...

so now my T's praise is not a motivating factor... she is like a resource and a sounding board to help me get to where I want to be...

[ScrewedUpMe]

I love it when my therapist praises me, it makes me feel so good as I was hardly ever praised as a child. I wouldn't say I necessarily try to get her to say it, as I wouldn't know how to, she just does now and then and it feels amazing

[Hope-Full]

I have mixed feelings about being praised by T. On the one hand, I love making T proud. It is highly motivating and warming to hear T tell me that something I've done was well done. On the other hand, being told "good job" is a bit annoying, because it doesn't feel personal or connecting or motivating. I like when T says specifically "you did a good job when you _____" because that is specific. I like when T says "you should be proud of yourself for _____" because I need to hear that. I don't know what I do that is worth celebrating, so when T stops to celebrate, I listen.

[stopdog]

I did not mean the therapist was generic in the praise. I reduced it down to "good job" but I did not intend that to be the only way the therapist indicated praise. To me it does not make a difference.

I feel disconcerted when he praises me. I really like him as a person, but I do not take any action for the purpose of pleasing him or getting his praise. I work on things in an effort to feel better, or improve myself, or because whatever it is is just the right thing to do. My T's praise feels vaguely uncomfortable and embarrassing. I am left kind of going, "um, thanks?"

[elliemay]

It really depends. If my therapist told me i was doing well at my job, i might not laugh out loud but it wouldn't carry much weight. Unless it were an interpersonal issue at work.
With Most things in the social/emotional arena, i welcome my therapist feedback.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by elliemay

It really depends. If my therapist told me i was doing well at my job, i might not laugh out loud but it wouldn't carry much weight. Unless it were an interpersonal issue at work.
With Most things in the social/emotional arena, i welcome my therapist feedback.

Does the therapist's positive or negative feedback spur you on? Do you desire the positive and work to avoid the negative?

[skysblue]

I guess I might be able to accept T's positive feedback if I, myself, feel that I have done something that deserves that. Her praise, in itself, does nothing for me. As a matter of fact, I am a bit allergic to praise. It seems so one dimensional and superficial. And a bit dishonest AND too easy for someone to offer without any real knowledge of what's really going on.

So, no, my motivation does not depend on T's praise or anyone else's. My motivation is to learn to be a better person and only *I* know how well I am progressing on that front.

[Perna]

I'm good with the inside praise thing now but was not always and needed the outside. I don't think I would like to be just one or just the other; that sounds like only getting half of what is available? Whether I enjoy praise from any particular person though is probably a dynamic of me, my insides and how well I interact with that outside person. Those I love/like/respect I appreciate hearing from more than those I do not.

I really appreciate when my t tells me "you did good work today" or things like that. Because she doesn't say it every session, I tend to feel like it's true rather than just a platitude. (Still, who knows. She's a t after all. Nothing derogatory meant by that, it just is what it is.)

However - on the other hand - as I realized last week AFTER our session, I'm dealing with some lovely transference again. I realized that I'm getting something from our t relationship that I didn't get from my mother when growing up and little Artemis is responding to that. And I'm feeling angry also, as in <insert stomping feet here> "I don't WANT to need you! I needed HER too and look what happened with that!" We shall be talking about this during tomorrow's session. I am not looking forward to it in the least. Transference is hard.

[CantExplain]

I love praise. I'll take praise from anyone.

You know what? Praise always came at a price for me growing up. It was a set up somehow almost every time. The person wanted something even MORE from me. Oh, that was great, now how about THIS? Do this now, since you proved you can do that. Or ... it was a situation where they would praise one thing I did well as proof I deliberately screwed up something else. They would say nice things ABOUT me to other people -- offering things I did well as proof of what great people or parents they were. Praise was never a good thing, or really about me.

[stopdog]

It was often manipulation at my house. Then they could be all like we tried being nice but that failed so now we are going to do x to you.
Or like "you are too smart to be or to have done x," or "you do x so well, how can you screw up y so badly?". Then there was the insincere praise.
Mostly it got down to manipulation.

I don't remember praise being used period in my house growing up. It was always "why can't you be like so-and-so" or "you'll never amount to anything" or "you could have done better". Bah. I spent as many weekends with my grandparents as I could during the school years, and most of each summer. My grandma was more of a mother to me that the real one. I still miss her 30+ years later - oh my it's actually been 35 years since she passed away, 35 years exactly next week.

Those are 5 words, by the way, that I am very very proud to have NEVER spoken to my son in his 14 years of life - and I never will either - the "you'll never amount to anything".

[unaluna]

Well sd & mkac - that's why it's so hard to hear positive messages from anybody now, isn't it? We're like dogs who have been betrayed - we never forget, we will never trust again. Or can we get over it?

[QuietCat]

I don't actively seek praise from T. I do actively seek NOT to disappoint him though. If he gives me some homework assignment I can't complete for one reason or another I will become very upset and depressed because I know he may be disappointed on some level, even though he never ever shows it.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Praise from T doesn't particularly motivate me. In general, my motivation has to come from within.

I do have trouble acknowledging my achievements, so I appreciate it when T does so, and it feels good, but it doesn't motivate me to keep earning praise from her. I don't want to disappoint T, but I also don't want to disappoint anyone. My entire life has been about making other people happy.

So, I don't do things so that T will give me praise. If I've accomplished something I've been working for, it feels good to have that acknowledged and I appreciate the encouragement.

Growing up, praise was always a strange thing for me. I was rewarded for things I didn't really care about or didn't have to work for. The things I cared about and really had to work for always went unnoticed, even when it was super important to me. So, I learned to be my own cheerleader.

Originally Posted by stopdog

I was just wondering if the idea (or reality) of the therapist's praise or lack thereof is a motivating factor for others.

My t praising me in any way shape or form tends to send me into a place of resentment and oppositional behavior It's taken me a while to realize that this is because I feel controlled or manipulated when given praise or encouragement from a person I perceive as parental in nature. I don't like it and I don't trust it. . . . That said, I know that I need to work on changing my radical and off kilter reaction to her simple acknowledgement of me succeeding. I KNOW intellectually that my therapist is NOT trying to manipulate or control me. My reaction to her comments are pure transferance.

The same reaction is not present when I receive praise or recognition from co-workers, friends, and/or my boss(s). In those situations I tend to feel encouraged and motivated to continue to perform these feats of excellence! In work situations, I'm good at evaluating my own skills and performance. I know when I've done a good job and when others give me praise or accolades, I consider that icing on the cake. It's taken me a while to recognize and grow curious about my different reactions to praise and encouragement.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Does the therapist's positive or negative feedback spur you on? Do you desire the positive and work to avoid the negative?

No. I'm not motivated by "what will me therapist think of this" but "what would my therapist advise in this situation" has crossed my mind.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Yes - this is what I can do on bad days, except I don't think of the therapist as a parent and I do believe therapists are trying to manipulate and control clients. I think the therapist may see herself as in a sort of role where she has the familiarity or position or audacity to presume she has the right to bestow praise and that pisses me off because to me she does not.
When others (lovers, coworkers, friends, even my dad) give praise, it is not horrible like with that therapist, but it is not really motivating either. With the others it is just sort of neutral. I don't really need it or feel great if I get it, but I am not enraged at the presumptiveness of it like I am with the therapist.

I can understand being nonplussed by your therapist praise. I just don't understand the rage. Of course i get outraged by odd(ish) things too. Like people (men) looking at me. I don't understand that about myself.

[stopdog]

[QUOTE=elliemay;2863581]I can understand being nonplussed by your therapist praise. I just don't understand the rage. Of course i get outraged by odd(ish) things too..."

I don't get the rage either other than the being controlled, manipulation, setting me up sort of thing, but it is there nonetheless. I am not so much nonplussed, although whether that would be any better is up for grabs.

[Asiablue]

Her praise doesn't motivate me to do something. I don't think " oh i'm going to do this and T will be so pleased". But i've got to admit wanting her to be proud of my achievements, things i am proud of in the past.

right now, i couldn't care less what she thinks.