motivation

praise does not motivate me. I am not sure what does, but it isn't praise, I think it's knowing I did the best I could or that I did the right thing. I do not want, like or appreciate a therapist's praise...that's not what I am paying for.

I'm not totally sure what my reaction is to praise. Mine will try to get me to stop and look at an accomplishment. He'll say something like "You work very hard at blah. You've accomplished a lot in the past 6 weeks and have done amazing things like blah and blah." I kind of ... blank out. Or just agree. I have to remind myself to say thank you. Usually I find it annoying.

I'm not even sure what emotion it makes me feel. It's confusing.

I am sometimes confused by other posters' responses to threads regarding "transferance". My understanding is that "transferance" is very very personel. It isn't something that everyone experiences in the same way.

For example, I talked about feeling angry and pissed off when my therapist makes a comment that I interprete as encouraging or praise-worthy regarding my behavior.

Why? It took me a long time to examine my response to her comments. It wasn't about me SEEING or VIEWING my therapist as my parent (mother or father--my therapist is only six year's older than me and she is 7 inches shorter than me--she is NOT my parent by any stretch of the imagination). All of this is what I feel on very gut level. It is the twist or thrust of what my therapist has said as affecting me on a parental level. How do I describe my response? I'm not sure. I know that when I'm feeling something on a parental level it is more visceral. . . more primal. . . more downright gutteral!

If I don't like someone or I don't like what they say or I don't agree with what they say or do, my response is calm, calculated and understandable. I'm able to back up my response. I'm able to slay that person with reason and intellect. BUT when when the response is gutteral and primal, my reaction is unreasonable, undescribable and definitely not calm, cool or collected. It is gut level, undescribable and raw! My response at this level is on a parental level.

JB - I deleted my response. I was not trying to criticize you. I was trying to work out my reaction for me.

[quote=stopdog;2863751]JB - I did not intend to criticize you. quote]

Wow, stopdog, I wasn't referring to you or anyone else when I talked about how other's confuse what "I" view as transferance!to their own views. I apologize for making you think that y ou might have "intentionally" critisized me. I have never felt that was the case.

I was simply talking about how I view my OWN reaction to my therapist's response to my own personal therapeutic topics. I truly feel my own therapist's responses to my personal and basic topics is a real. They are real and palpable. Often, my therapist's response is (while caring and responsive) is actually a terrible twist and pain in my gut--My therapist isn't opposed to calling me on my immature and unproductive in my responses. . . It is about being open and receptive to the changing world.

It has taken me a LOOOOONG time to even recognize the pain my therapist's realistic responses force from me. I'm proud to admit to recognizing the discomfor her responses bring about. For the longest time, I ignored that discomfort.. . . I blamed my discomfort, distrust and anger on others. . .. I wasn't willing to see that I had a part in all of this. All of us need to recognize that the world as we know has changed. Jeeseh I wish it would go back to what it was!

My therapist doesn't really praise me and say stuff like "good job." We usually have a different sort of conversation. If told me "good job", though, I don't think it would enrage me. It would probably just be a small moment and then we would move on. Sometimes I share with him when I am pleased about something I have accomplished, and he is usually very willing to share in my joy.

This kind of thing is not really part of my therapy at all. I have so many things to work on in my life that I haven't stopped to consider that I must also try to work on things that T finds positive. I am still trying to work on things that I would find positive. I guess once those are done (probably never), I could move on to what other people consider positive, but for now, I am overwhelmed with what I need to do for me! What I like to think is that my T and I are attuned enough that what I consider important he would too. So if I do well at something and think that, he would naturally think that too, because we are aligned on certain basic values. So I like that he can share my feelings of accomplishment when I have achieved something. If he didn't get why I was happy about something, I would try to explain it to him, but usually he just gets it.

I did not receive praise as a child from my parents so I guess I got used to that and don't expect it (or need it) from T.

I don't need it or want it either. The woman just tries to inflict it upon me. To be honest, if she tried to inflict disappointment upon me I would also think that was manipulation.
I think all they do is manipulate. Perhaps that is why when my friend told me about her situation I was rather taken aback that the therapist's praise would be taken so seriously.

My xT's praise did not motivate me. It always made me feel uncomfortable. And it made me afraid he thought I was doing well when I thought I wasn't. Or that if he thought I was doing well, then he would care less about me. I was afraid of his disappointment, but it did not motivate me to do well. I don't motivate easily and I don't know what motivates me when I DO do something.

Interesting question.

I suppose the question is also what leads one to develop a sense of internal praise? And whether for someone who doesn't seek praise from others, or to respond to it, is it a part of personality or a defense?

You know what? Praise always came at a price for me growing up. It was a set up somehow almost every time. The person wanted something even MORE from me. Oh, that was great, now how about THIS? Do this now, since you proved you can do that. Or ... it was a situation where they would praise one thing I did well as proof I deliberately screwed up something else. They would say nice things ABOUT me to other people -- offering things I did well as proof of what great people or parents they were. Praise was never a good thing, or really about me.

This was my experience, too. Praise always came with strings attached. And it wasn't for my benefit, but a reflection of my parents' esteem. Somehow, it always felt demeaning, as though it were given not as a gift, but used as a way to humiliate.

My T rarely praised me. I definitely never sought his praise. The only instance I can think of was once when he said something about my doing good work in a session. And I felt peeved because what I heard was him saying that I hadn't done good work in other sessions. And disappointed because it made me feel disconnected from him since he hadn't perceived how hard I'd worked in every session. Pure transference, of course, but very powerful. So for me, not looking for praise, and feeling uncomfortable with it, was definitely a defense against past pain.

I think the one I see does it to try and bond or so I will see her as good and "on my side" or "not the enemy".
(phrases she has used). Grades, prizes, rewards, and even avoidance of most punishment did not motivate me either. Money doesn't, desire to fit in doesn't, the sole objective of making others happy doesn't. Winning doesn't. Losing doesn't. Disapproval doesn't. Need for certain types of knowledge does. Proving I have that knowledge can but not always. Not if there is pressure from outside to prove I have it. Wanting to be competent does.
Perhaps my mother was right. I am difficult to motivate if not naturally inclined.

I think I would feel angry in your shoes, too. Maybe not as angry, but certainly peeved and disappointed.

Rightly or wrongly, I wonder that your T doesn't see that saying such things--which you seem to have made clear don't impress or reassure you--simply makes her appear more disingenuous or clueless (and so less worthy of respect) in your eyes. Sort of the opposite effect she wants.

Manipulate you into doing what? I just do not understand this.

Look at this. I.e. what you have written. All that matters to you, all that motivates you, is being right. I can certainly relate to that, but isn't it a win-lose proposition? If one person is right, the other person is wrong? How pleasant does that make us to be around? My mother always wants to win. I can switch sides in an argument, and she will too, just to win the argument. So maybe all your T is doing is trying to get you develop other parts of your personality. So you're more like a strawberry pot with multiple openings, and less like a mint bush taking over the container.

Perhaps. I don't agree that I am only motivated by being right, but perhaps. I rarely insist others see things the way I do. That is not how I interpret what I wrote. I certainly feel safer when I have knowledge and competence. But I also do not think there usually just one right answer. I do believe autonomy is the best thing one can have. I look upon knowledge and competence as assuring I have that autonomy. I don't often try to win arguments. I rarely try to win anything. Usually I just like the lobbing back and forth. Winning is not the goal for me nor does it motivate me. I usually will lose or quit if the focus from anyone becomes on winning. I do believe my views have validity and I won't back away from that. But I do not expect everyone or even anyone else to agree with the contents.
I am also not trying to be pleasant for the therapist. If she finds me unpleasant, then she can quit being the therapist I go to if she chooses.

But the bigger thing is the therapist does not get to try to muck about/fix/get me to change things unless I agree. I did not go to the therapist in order to allow the therapist to decide what she thought needed to be fixed. I went for a specific purpose and the therapist may not impose other things upon me. And she cannot motivate me to do anything unless or until I see the value in it or how it connects with my goals. So the praise or whatever is not only a waste, it means she has not been listening to me at all.

My father's phrase was, " How can you be so smart about some things and so gd dumb about others!?" I know that I spent a great deal of my life deeply concerned with making others think I was unconcerned with what they thought. That was a prime motivator for me. Of course, I didn't see it that way at the time because I didn't have enough insight into my behavior. I believed that I genuinely didn't care.

But now I recognize I was engaged in that pursuit out of self-protective fear. I also recognize that in seeking to make others believe I didn't care what they thought, I was just as controlled by outside perceptions as a naked approval seeker-- the very personality which had filled me with the greatest contempt.

I am motivated by a desire to learn how to be more detached.
I do know the best solution and yet the stupid strands of attachment I have within me that I have as of yet been unable to sever are still keeping me bound. When I find the strength to sever them, it will be well.

I saw a man pursuing the horizon;
Round and round they sped.
I was disturbed at this;
I accosted the man.
“It is futile,” I said,
“You can never —”

“You lie,” he cried,
And ran on.

or even

Many workmen
Built a huge ball of masonry
Upon a mountain-top.
Then they went to the valley below,
And turned to behold their work.
"It is grand," they said;
They loved the thing.

Of a sudden, it moved:
It came upon them swiftly;
It crushed them all to blood.
But some had opportunity to squeal.

Stephen Crane
Stephen Crane.

I think that's imprisoned not motivated.

Most assuredly what is freedom or desirable to one person may be prison or untenable to another.

SD are you motivated by the urge to become more self sufficient?
With my male T praise seems forced and insincere. With the female T I had, it would have worked great as I have mommy issues, but she was also very negative. Growing up I was not praised unless it was in front of my moms friends, to prove she was a great parent, much like MKAC. My mother actually tried to de-motivate me to do well. i think she always felt I was trying to better myself or be more then what she was and she resented that always. My siblings who received poor grades, had babies in high school and didn't play sports or work were the ones that my mom preferred.