[gelfling]

my last T threw me into a program and then ran from me when I came back. Guess I'm just a gem to work with, this is the third T that has behaved like this. So, I've been on my own for a while. Been ok, but this time of year is especially hard. I hadn't had a panic attack in months and now the racing thoughts are back and the panic has come with them. I know that the only way to possibly find some one who might actually help me is to try, but I am so afraid to start again because it is so hard when it isn't working. Hard on sense of self, hard on emotions, hard on pocketbook.

Fear sucks....I don't remember being afraid like this when I was younger. Am I the only one that finds the fear harder to deal with as time goes on?

[shlump]

Yes, fear is harder to deal with as time goes on for me. I'm awful sometimes with this because I often leave it up to chance that something outside may somehow influence my state of mind. Not consciously waiting for a hero type of thing, but just a break and well, not waiting...they just kind of happen.

I can see your fear growing because of thre T's failing you. No one wants to try again, butyou must. You know this. You can do it. You dserve the same healing that so manyothers get.

I hope you find the right T this time

Much Love

[gelfling]

Its frustrating because I was doing really well, then BOOM outta no where all the crap crashes in.....but I suppose if I really looked at it it isn't out of no where. I had a random call from a former T which kinda started some of the stuff.....I wish it was just 3 T's that I have been pitched from, but it has been more.

It just hit me tonight that the fear really is a big stumbling block in it all. But, I'm afraid that I'm too big of a coward to let these fears out with anyone, and barely myself.

[shlump]

When you have let anything out, not just fears do you somehow feel that they are smaller. Like you are sharng the burden? Giving them away?

I do, but it took me a long time to share enough to realize that it did help and it wasn't just some crap a Pseudo-T threw at me.

[gelfling]

I know that my anxiety got way more manageable talking with the last T even tho we really didn't spend much time in my issues because she was more interested in what my hubby and step kids where doing than what I was doing. I also have never felt I wouldn't be judged for my life. And, I have a job where I am expected to be the one in charge and it is hard to relinquish that mantle.

Oh, yeah, realizing I'm full of excuses now. Letting anyone in really is scary.