[black or white]

Hi there, I don't post very often, but the threads on dreams has me thinking that maybe some of you could help me with some of my dreams.

First, I've had three different Ts tell me that they believe there's a strong possibility that I was a victim of CSA but I have no memories of this.

I've been seeing the same T for over 4 yrs now, and in the past year or so I've had a few very upsetting dreams of an infant being abused. These dreams happen when I'm feeling very good and strong, and they're "out of the blue".

1st dream I had, I was a toddler trying to crawl away from someone as they were grabbing at my legs, and when they caught me they pushed me down and held me there by pressing on my back. In the dream I could have turned around to see who it was, but I wouldn't do it because I didn't want to know.

2nd dream I could see an infant lying on her stomach on a change table. I was standing behind a man who was holding her down as he started to abuse her. I couldn't tell who the man was, but I was screaming "stop it! It's me! Can't you see that it's me?"

3rd dream I walked into a room and again, there was an infant lying on her stomach on a change table. This time the man had a camera set up. I asked what he was doing and he said he was doing a documentary on CSA. I told him to stop, that he didn't need to abuse a child on film to do this documentary. He said that it would be a more powerful way to get the message across. This time the man didn't have to hold her down...she just lay there with tears streaming down her face. Again, the man never turned around so I didn't see his face.

So, when I think about these dreams, part of me feels like the infant is me, and another part of me feels like I witnessed something happening to a child and didn't protect her.

The dreams aren't wild and crazy imagery - they seem so realistic. My T says that our subconcious can let things come to light as we get stronger.

I would love to hear what others think of these dreams?

[anilam]

I'd be very cautious of a T telling a client he/she's been sexually abused as a child if the client has no recollection of the act. The T can't know it for sure and the fake memories can be nearly as damaging as the real ones.
I think that nobody here can give you a clear answer. All I can say is that these dreams are too clear (i.e. self-explanatory, logical...)- most of my dreams and memories about the early childhood experiences are really weird- mostly just few smells and images and tons of feelings repeated over and over again. Honestly, if it hadn't continued till I was old enough to understand I probably didn't know it myself. That's just how a child's mind work.
Not knowing must suck- sorry, you're feeling this way. Take care.

[SallyBrown]

Agree with Anilam -- be very wary of deciding for sure whether you were a CSA survivor based on what your Ts said. It's quite possible to show many of the signs of having experienced abuse without actually experiencing it.

What is interesting, though, is that (1) all three times, the child is in the same position, and (2) twice, the child is on a changing table. That's pretty specific. That does NOT mean you are accessing a real memory, but it means that these images are really significant. Does someone being held down in that way bring up ANY memories for you? What about infants having their diapers changed? Sometimes it's better to break down the significant imagery first and see if you can get at something in that way, rather than assuming that a dream really happened. If I had a dollar for every time I had a vivid dream that was a real memory... I'd be broke. I'm not saying it's impossible. But dreams are so way out there, even when the imagery used is very concrete.

It's also hard for people who have been through any kind of trauma to go through periods of feeling ok and strong, because the default is often to be hypervigilant... kind of like, the longer you wait for a bus, the more you think it must be coming any second. So the longer you go without a bad episode... sometimes your defenses will start going up proactively. Which can turn up in dreams as situations where you are in danger.

When I was going through a really rough time in therapy, I had lots of dreams about abandoned babies and kittens. In one of them, a relative of mine, who I recently found out is an abuser, had a baby daughter. I was holding her, as family members are wont to do, and when no one was looking I sneaked out of the house we were all in and tried to run away to save the little baby. As far as I know, this relative never abused me, although I was allowed to be around him as a child. But rescuing a completely vulnerable individual was very representative of how I was feeling at the time. I felt helpless and in danger and was desperately trying to save myself. I knew the babies/kittens were me, although not so explicitly as occurred in your dream, but the adult me was still the one taking care of them.

Still... I'm very very intrigued by the strong similarities between these dreams. Can you free associate about them a bit? The changing table? Did the man look like someone you know? Being pushed down on your back? Maybe it's a memory, and maybe it isn't, but it's obviously very important.

I've had some dreams, and woke up absolutely certain they were memories and not dreams. I knew somehow that the dream was real. One was an episode that I had just blocked out, but when I woke from the dream, I remembered the incident and more details about it. I double checked with my sister and it did happen. I also dream very often that I'm very small and I'm lying there while my dad changes my diaper, and a GIANT spider drops down from the ceiling and lands on his back. I mentioned this recurring dream to my mother, and she was like, "oh that actually happened! But you were one. How could you possibly remember that?" I didn't remember it at all. I have no memory of anyone changing my diaper ever. But I dreamed about it a lot.

I also have nightmares I am not sure about. My aunt mentioned one time something that confirmed that my dreams about guns really happened. Some, I have no way of telling if they are real or not. Is it possible to ask someone in a position to know? I have been grateful to have my aunt and my sister confirm things.

I too would be hesitant to believe a t that told me that, let alone three of them. Sally gave you some very good advice Black or White. I do not know much about dream therapy yet, I have done some in my own therapy and like someone else said dreams are not always that clear. They have hidden meanings from your subconcious.
I know that to dream of being abused means you are feeling victimised or taken advantage of. You said it was a man but you didn't want to turn around and see him. Do you know who this man is in your real life? Those he pose any threat to you?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by black or white

My T says that our subconcious can let things come to light as we get stronger.

Wise words.......

I'm on the fence with this one, I would want more proof to make sure my sub conscience wasn't lying to me. Perhaps you could talk to other family members and see if anyone can confirm?

I don't think a toddler would have the vocalobary to remember things as cameras and documentarys.
Csa really doesn't reveal itself in such precise ways. I too wouldn't trust a T that plants the idea you were sexually abused. It sounds like your dreams are to do with that rather than reality.

[black or white]

Hi everyone

Thank you so much for your comments. Just to be clear, the first two T2's were quacks and I never went back after they told me they'd thought I'd been abused. The T I'm seeing now knows about what the first two T's said, but he's never come out and said "it's obvious that you've been abused". There was definitely slapping, spanking, yelling, ignoring, etc...in my childhood, but I don't remember anything related to CSA.

The other thing to note is that each time I have one of these dreams (there are others that I didn't describe) I've usually just had some kind of breakthrough in a recent session and I'm feeling strong and grounded, and there was never any talk about the possibility of CSA in the sessions leading up to the dreams. They're completely out of the blue (or at least they seem to be - maybe something's triggering me and I'm not aware of it).

The feeling I get from the dreams is that the man believes he's helping the infant. I don't believe there was actually any filming in my childhood, but what I remember is the man believing he's helping children by making that movie.

DREAMS! I much prefer when they're completely wacky and you know there's no way they're true. I do agree that there has to be something about the position of the child and the change table...

Just want to thank everyone again for sharing their thoughts

[black or white]

Hi My Kids are Cool - unfortunately I don't have anyone to ask. My father passed away 18 years ago, and there are two uncles that I was always afraid of but they've both passed as well. I've asked my mom and she doesn't have any knowledge of something like this happening to me.

I don't think I'll ever REALLY know because I don't know that I could trust a memory that would come to me 40 years later. Especially after the first T's put that stuff in my head.