[WePow]

Trig only for brief mention of end of life thought.....

It is kinda strange. I have now been in therapy almost 3 years. I have had a lot of work and progress. Tons of ups and downs.
Lately I have had some great days and some very rough days. Unlike in the past when my T would respond to emails and support me, lately he has been letting me go. I see what he is doing and I understand it. But it has been difficult for me.

When I was an infant, my mom was told by an idiot neighbor lady to let me cry it out. That was all the rage of the day. My mom told me how much it hurt her to hear me but not go comfort me. Eventually I would stop crying. Of course they now know that the reason a baby stops crying is because they give up hope that they will be heard.

That has now happened in therapy for me. But I am not a baby this time, so I understand why T wants me to take care of myself. I have no clue if it was hard for him to read my emails without responding when he knew I was in pain. But the odd thing is that I honestly no longer care how he felt about them or even about me.

I don't know if it is healthy to come to this point or not, but it sure does hurt a lot less. And I know I have made it most of my life without having that type of a person in my life that did see and understand. I never had many friends anyway and never will. I am different and I know that. Thanks for the autistic genetics folks - lol.

But maybe now I can spend energy on trying to figure out my own path once again. It was odd but I even totally forgot to check my email yesterday to see if T responded to the last one where I flat out told him I would be glad when this life is finally over. Of couse I checked it today and no response. But I didn't expect it anyway, so there was finally no disappointment.

I will keep seeing him. But only because I have to see him in order to get him to document things that directly impact my job. I sure do hope the book I am working on (fiction) will sell once I finish it. Wishful thinking maybe, but that would allow me to never have to worry about how the PTSD and autism issues prevent me from doing certain work things that change my routines. Then I will be able to not have to see him at all.

I am glad I did go through all this though. And it did help me out. But the biggest thing it has done is teach me that I was doing it right my entire life already by just taking care of my own self.

Thank you for listening :-)

WePow, I hope your book sells too. We would never be who we are without going where we have been. (((((WePow))))).

How cool that you're writing a book.

Do you feel like you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt by saying and thinking it doesn't matter and you don't care that your t doesn't respond to your emails anymore?

[ECHOES]

I see what he is doing and I understand it. But it has been difficult for me.

((((WePow))))

[WePow]

I have no doubt that it is in protection of the self. But that is the way it has always been. My mom could not protect me from my father. The school system did not protect me from the older boys who harmed me.
I have always had to fight my own battles. Now I see there is nothing wrong with that. It is ok for me to have support in the rough times, but I have learned that the only person who will ALWAYS be there for me is Me.

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

How cool that you're writing a book.

Do you feel like you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt by saying and thinking it doesn't matter and you don't care that your t doesn't respond to your emails anymore?

but I have learned that the only person who will ALWAYS be there for me is Me.

i have learned this as well. sad and scary being so alone sometimes.

[Willowleaf]

I don't know you or your history, but your post made me feel sad. Probably because it mirrors my own beliefs that no one can ever be there for me. Because of this I could have interpreted it wrong, but I wondered if you have perhaps given up. It doesn't sound to me like you feel there will ever be anyone to really support you on your path. That things are going back to what they always were. I just wanted to say I am sorry you are feeling this way. I too hope your book sells, it sounds an amazing accomplishment, but I also hope that one day you won't feel like you have to do it all on your own

but I have learned that the only person who will ALWAYS be there for me is Me.

This has been my journey too. But I think when you fully come to that realization is when you can truly start to value yourself. To take care of yourself. To show compassion to yourself. And once you can do that for yourself, you can do it for others.
And so the journey continues ......
Blessings to you. It's tough.

[WePow]

Thank you for your reply and insight. I have given up on some of those wishes I think. But now I am seeing that maybe my wishes were immature anyway. I just didn't realize it at the time.

I think that I thought maybe one other person could know what it was like to be me... to walk in my shoes... to fully understand. Now I realize the only one who can ever (and should ever) walk in my shoes is me.

It does let me appriciate the fact though that others can walk alongside me for a while. Sometimes they will help me keep on walking by offering me a shoulder or an arm. And that is a blessing to have people like that in my life when they are needed. And I hope I can be that person for others in my life.

Originally Posted by Willowleaf

I don't know you or your history, but your post made me feel sad. Probably because it mirrors my own beliefs that no one can ever be there for me. Because of this I could have interpreted it wrong, but I wondered if you have perhaps given up. It doesn't sound to me like you feel there will ever be anyone to really support you on your path. That things are going back to what they always were. I just wanted to say I am sorry you are feeling this way. I too hope your book sells, it sounds an amazing accomplishment, but I also hope that one day you won't feel like you have to do it all on your own

[Nightlight]

I think I'm often moving in and out of a similar stage in my own therapy right now. It happened for me after T made many mistakes, then changed boundaries, ignored me when I needed to be heard, forgot me, and then told me many things I wasn't ready to hear. T made it clear about the ways that she doesn't and can't care for me. I wish things could be made better but I don't think there is a fix, not for me anyway. At least, it suddenly feels very unsafe to try to rely on a T, after previously missing out on so much, when a T can only do so much and only care so much. I too learned a lot from therapy. However, I used to tough it out alone and it worked for me. I'm trying to learn to stand on my own again now.

I do hope your T comes through for you as much as he can. It sounds like he's trying to step back because he thinks you're ready to work through more yourself, rather than from a lack of caring. Changes can trigger the really REALLY big feelings. I hope you're still able to get some support from him and I hope you have more and more of the good days and less of the bad ones.

Good luck with your book too!

[Chopin99]

Hey WePow. It is good to see you!

I am in a similar place in therapy. My T's philosophy stated in my words:

People must learn to meet their own needs. We can never guarantee that someone will be around to help us. It is perfectly okay to ask someone to help meet a need, but the other individual has the right to say no. We should be able to be okay even if the person asked says no.

It's not easy. Even the healthiest people need people sometimes. Most of the time, if you have good friends, family, significant others, etc., someone can help you. That's why it helps to have a solid circle. However, everyone finds themselves alone sometimes, and while it is painful, we can be okay on our own.

Good luck on your book!!!!

[WePow]

Thank you very much for saying this. It is what I needed to hear.
Tonight I did my art while thinking all this over. This picture is the result. I titled it "A Brand New ... "

http://g.omnisketch.com/displayimage...315&fullsize=1

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Hey WePow. It is good to see you!

I am in a similar place in therapy. My T's philosophy stated in my words:

People must learn to meet their own needs. We can never guarantee that someone will be around to help us. It is perfectly okay to ask someone to help meet a need, but the other individual has the right to say no. We should be able to be okay even if the person asked says no.

It's not easy. Even the healthiest people need people sometimes. Most of the time, if you have good friends, family, significant others, etc., someone can help you. That's why it helps to have a solid circle. However, everyone finds themselves alone sometimes, and while it is painful, we can be okay on our own.

Good luck on your book!!!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WePow

Unlike in the past when my T would respond to emails and support me, lately he has been letting me go. I see what he is doing and I understand it.

WePow, you talked to your T about this?